How can I deal with the fact that my son wrote us off his life

Question

When he was about 14 he became a troubled boy, gave us a hard time. He used to do wrong things behind our back and lie. In virtue of my principles I agree I was somewhat hard on him, thoug he said he regretted his mistakes and asked for our trust. But I didn't give it immediately and actually he had a hard time and got depressed and devastated. He finally changed, really realized he had behaved in an unacceptbale way, but got extremy resentful, said though he agreed he had made mistakes we went to farr and showed no love for him, didn'y act as parents. He never messed up again, but avoided us, didn't talk, was always sad. We tried family therepy but didn't work, he used to see the therapist as an enemy. Once I got mad at this situation and told him what he was doing was unfair, he had just suffered the consenquences of his actions, he himself forced us to be harsh and lose trust in him, he had to accept this, he had to prove us he had changed and stop that resentful behavior. Thse words devasted him, he took them as cruelty and things got even worse. He enxed up making us proud, but the relationship was destroyed. Today he's 26, a great young engineer, respected, but wrote us off, says he casn't get over his teen years and we only bring about sads memories, the worst moments of his life. Now e have a great son, about to get married, we could have a wonderful family life, but he wrote us off. I may hve been harsh, but do I deserve this? Can this relationship been saved, since he's an adult and still hold a gudge? Things only get worse.

Answer 1

TO be honest, I think you're horrible parents. No matter how bad your kids are, you still need to show them love and affection and telling them that is wrong. Judging by the way you treat your son, I would probably do the same thing.

1) Did you neglect him when he was growing up?

2) When a child goes out of control, he or she is trying to tell you something. They can't explain it well in words, but the child is trying to get your attention and your affection toward him.

3) The worst part is that when your son fixed up his mistakes in the past, you guys didn't even help nor do anything with him. Instead you guys wait until he accomplish his life and be a better person, than you go and talk to him like it was nothing.

Overall, you are a horrible parent. I don't know how to help you. The best way is to write him a letter and mail it to him. Do not bother talking on the phone or leave him a voice mail, he is probably going to delete it. Just write your son a letter, showing your concern and want to fix the relationship you guys used to have. Writing a letter shows allot, than just calling him.

Also go and make a scrapbook, with all of his baby pictures up until now. Make sure the pictures include you and everyone in the family. Then ship the scrapbook to his apartment, along with the letter. It will make him cry, but it shows that you want to makeup for all the lost time in his life.

What I meant was when you're writing a letter, or making a scrapbook. Don't even put any harsh words in it, or anything about his past. Just tell him how you miss him and how you miss out your grandson's life and how you love him. Try to be sincere as possible.

For example:

Dear Son,

The days went by so fast, when you decided to move out of my house. We haven’t talk in years, and I miss you terribly. I know that what I did to you in the past was wrong, and I’m sorry for all the mean and harsh ways I did to you. You were my sweet little boy, and I will always love you. I want to fix our relationship, because I can’t wait for another day without talking to you or not knowing how you are doing. I can’t forgive myself knowing the fact that I destroyed your childhood experience. I’m sorry for what I done to you.

And then blah blah…that how a sincere letter should be.

Answer 2

The problem is so obvious! How many times have you said "you were harsh BECAUSE he was messed up".  

Why should he forgive you when you are still blaming him?  You know what, your blame is hurting him ten times more than the physical/whatever abuse you inflicted on him when he was young.

Answer 3

Sounds like you're still hard on him and you're refusing to come to him - you're expecting him to come to you, to apologize, etc. It's very clear in the way you're describing the problem: he "wrote you off". It's very clear that you're placing all the blame on his shoulders, and I doubt it belongs there.

You need to accept that he just isn't happy with the way you raised him, "fair" or not.

I suggest professional counseling (for you, not him).

Answer 4

be proud of him.

sounds like you guys really, really need a heart to heart. horrible childhood memories are the absolute worst to get over. he may never get over it, or he eventually will. let him be. let him know that you love him and will always be there for him and leave it at that. maybe when he becomes a father he will realize how difficult it is to be a parent, but he needs to come to that realization. don't pressure him. when he is ready he may open his life to you. until then just be patient.