How can I develop a "spine"?

Question

I'm not talking a literal spine like the one on my body, but metaphorically. I seem to have absolutely no backbone when it comes to dealing with people. I'm very "flighty" so to say, I don't like getting into direct (and especially heated) confrontations and I don't like to yell or use my voice because I feel its never heard no matter what I say or do.

Thing is, I know my challenge in life is just that. I deal with bullies at work (a few name co-workers and a supervisor in particular) and I just want to be able to stand up for myself without looking like a fool. I don't believe in the whole "alpha male" hypo-masculine attitude nonsense, just enough to be assertive and let people know they cannot step on me and treat me like dirt.

How can I develop a "backbone" and stand up to alpha males and higher authorities without stooping to their level but still make them hear me and get me?

Answer 1

Just come right out and tell them to stop treating you like dirt and have some respect, because like it or not, you're just as good (if not better) a person as you.

"I'm sorry Mr. Bialystock, but it seems you've mistaken me for someone with a spine!"

Or you could do what Leo did in "The Producers" and meet a nice gal and go to Rio. ;-)

Answer 2

I'm kinda soft too. You just gotta grow some, then you'll be alright.

Answer 3

You didn't say what profession it is you are in and what kind of bullying so I can't offer you the exact answers (opinions) you need.

Personally when I work...I go to work. I don't pay attention to my surroundings too much because I don't have to. Not saying  I never have to, but I always keep my boss informed which in turn makes work not so bad.

If they are bullying you on your work ethic you do have to keep in mind that you can always do better no matter how right you think you are. You said supervisor so that's why I stated that. Fellow employess opinions really shouldn't matter unless they are higher up on the food chain.

If they are bullying you on a personal level and harrassing you, you can definately address the issue to a supervisor. I would make accurate documentation of dates and incidents before addressing the head honcho so they can be well informed and so that I don't look like a whiny idiot. Every supervisor has their own supervisor, so keep that in mind. Going higher up will get the job done.

With your personal life. Well I see myself in your post! What I do that works is never let people see they are getting to me. You do come off as the better person if you remain calm and respond with an intellectual answer instead of a snarky remarck. Always maintain composure and express what it is you feel to others in a calm manner. Open communication will get the tense feeling out of the air and allow you to do your job more effectivly as well as build a stronger relationship with your mother. She may not realize how domineering she is because you have never opened up to her about the way you feel about her stance.

It might be a good idea in your head to stick up for yourself at work, but just keep in mind that a paycheck pays bills, food, gas ect. It's a good thing to not trouble the waters to maintain a secure job.

Well good luck. Just talk more and don't keep it all bottled up inside.

Answer 4

It's sounds like you were lacking some of (if not all) the following things growing up:

1. A father figure

2. social interaction

3. Playing a contact sport

4. Anybody who stood up for you

You need to start being a jerk to random people to see what it feels like. Look at how certain peoeple interact. Look at a person that you think has a spine and do what they do.

Answer 5

well...get tough skin first. you know...don't let things "cut" you so easily. that'll help a load. I have built up a nice & big layer of tough skin over my 16 years of life..i know that's not a lot of years but with my dad being my dad, you get tough skin fast. as for being able to stand up to them well, what i do, like to my dad, what i do is look him in the eyes, stand up straight like if he tries something I won't back down no matter what, and usually say something like "You know, I'm getting very sick of your c**p you give me, and if you don't stop, you won't see me for a LONG time, i'm not putting up with it anymore, deal with it. Now. Leave me alone." then i walk away not giving him a chance to respond. you can't exactly say that at work i know but you can say something to your coworkers like (giving them eye contact and standing up straight) something like "Do you realize JUST how stupid you sound? Stop bothering me and actually do what you're supposed to, if you have a problem with that, know that i DON'T give a d@mn so you can leave me alone now." then walk away once again not giving them a chance to respond. and if they DO yell something at you while you walk away DON'T turn around. ignore them, they should realize that you don't care and you won't give in  to their tormenting. and this isn't stooping to their level. you have a right to defend yourself. and like i said, tough skin gets you to have a backbone. They aren't acting like adults, YOU be the adult and do what you have to do to get the job done and not let them influence you. that's what my mom told me to do because of my dad and his wife and how they treat us. and she's right. I have to be the adult because OBVIOUSLY they aren't able to do that. same goes for you. my mom says to people that don't really know me "you know, she's a great kid, but if you get in the way of her she'll tell you where to go, so, don't mess with her." lol. and she's right. i don't. i tell you where to go if you're in my way..that's a part of tough skin and backbone. if you do what i said, you'll be ok and don't worry about the consequences just do what you have to do.

hopefully i helped and i wish you luck. :) *hands you a cookie* (you deserve one.)  

Answer 6

In your second paragraph, you've basically answered your own question. You want to let people know that they cannot step on you and treat you like dirt.

Tell them that! (your Mom included!) When someone tries to run over you, stand up for yourself. You don't have to yell or get heated.

Start small. Let's say you have a coworker who is always asking for "favors" (can you do this? can you do that?) start saying no. When they ask why not, tell them that you have prior committments, too much to do already or just plain and simple that you don't want to. It's not your responsibility to pick up the slack for them, so just say no.

Work your way up from there. When someone is picking on you, tell them that you don't appreciate it and that you won't be tolerating it. Then, stick to your word. It's like little kids...you can't threaten to spank them if they jump on the couch one more time and then not do it. They'll know your threats are empty. It's the same thing with other people too. If you let them know that there will be repercussions for their actions, and you follow through, eventually you'll be seen as assertive and that you don't take any c**p...without being hyper-male and an ******.

Good luck!