How can I explain to both of our families that they won't be invited to our wedding?

Question

I'm getting married December 20th and I wil only have my Dad and Stepmum as witnesses. We will get married in a registry office (like a courthouse) and just have the legal MINIMUM of 2 witnesses there. We plan to tell my family and the grooms family afterwards.I am not inviting the family for a number of reasons:

1. My partner is very shy, hates speaking in front of crowds (i.e vows) and I have a big family as does he, and he would feel uncomfortable with a lot of people there. I feel I should make him as at ease as poss on our wedding day. He just doesn't want it to be a big deal, and he's entitled to feel that way and I have to respect that.

2. My Mum and Dad divorced when I was 2, and throughout my whole life my Mum and her family and told me horrible, malicious things about my Dad that no daughter should ever know. For example: "your Dad's a cheater, he once slept with a prostitute and came home with crabs! Your Dad said he hates you, why do you even like him? One day I'm going to hospitalise your Dad then you won't be able to see him." They have also done things like smashed his windows and his and his new wifes house and slashed the tyres on his car. She even told the POLICE that he abused me as a child - which he never ever did or would do! It was just to hurt him.

I know that my mum's family are just very angry but they had no right to tell me the things they did from suh a young age, and I would therefore not feel comfortable having my mum's family and my dad's family in the same room. I would be too tense and too anxious that they would start a fight, and no girl should feel like that on their wedding day,. They have pretty much brought it upon themselves, and there is NO WAY they would put it aside just for a day - even if it was my wedding. Don't tell me to LET THIS GO as it's unforgiveable how much they hurt me and my Dad.

My other worry is the groom's family. They are nothing but sweet and kind but we will not be inviting them. My partner feels that if we invite them it will harder for my family to take the news that they weren't invited as opposed to not being invited with just 2 witnesses there. His family are not very traditional and I don't think it would bother them much I am just wondering how to explain this to them. My family are not the only reason we want a small wedding. We just want it to not be a big deal, we want it to be small and intimate and my partner does not want a lot of people there. We will be taking out my family and his family for a meal a week after the wedding and paying for them (I hope that this will ease the wound a little).

How do I explain this to both families

Answer 1

i agree with scott l. keeping everything to a minimum, and avoiding potential conflict is good, but i think a couple of people from the grooms side should be able to attend too i wouldn't exclude his family just to make your family happy. really it sounds like no matter how many people you have or who they are doesn't matter because some family members are going to be upset. you just have to agree on a plan that works for the two of you and everyone else can deal with it.

as far as an explanation just tell them you didn't want it to be a big affair and opted for something private and special to the two of you.

Answer 2

Haven't read all your post.  The reasons are totally irrelevant and you are not obliged to offer any explanation.  Because you are not inviting anyone there should not be a problem.  Have a great time!

Answer 3

Why are you getting married? I am not against marriage and you probably have reasons but have you considered why.

My partner and I have been together 13 years, have all the trappings of a marriage and two kids (and two cats for that matter). Marriage wouldn't change anything for us.

Is it just for you, in which case two witnesses off the street, or to show other people in which case invite who the h**l you like and tell them if they don't behave it will ruin YOUR day.

Good luck!

Answer 4

I would tell your partner's family and offer for them to be there if they like.

As far as your mum and that lot, she sounds bitter and load of other things. Better they not be there, so I think you are right on that decision. They have hurt you and your dad far too much.

It's your day. Do what you think best.

Answer 5

I don't think you owe any explanation to anybody. People who know your situation and care about you will understand anyway. As somebody else on here suggested, you could invite 2 witnesses from the groom's family, I think it's a good idea.

I didn't have a big wedding either, for a variety of reasons, at first the families objected but then they just had to accept our decision.

Good luck!  

Answer 6

I can sympathise with your desire for a no-fuss wedding. But just so you won't be accused of favouring one side of the family, why not invite two people from your husband-to-be's side to witness as well?

Answer 7

I would present what you have written here in a beautifully written letter and post it to them with a photo of you and your husband to be.

Explain it from your heart and not be condemning of either parties.  They would be more willing to read on.....

Just say, you do not wish to make everybody uncomfortable by inviting them together to your wedding and feels it is best if you marry in a civil ceremony with just 2 witnesses (no names, or there will be recriminations).  You will, however be very happy if they would join you and your new husband for dinner after the wedding and that one day, you hope everybody will forgive each other for your sake and for the next generation.

Make it short, simple and to the point.  It is human nature to switch off when they see a mile long letter and therefore may miss the point you are trying to make in writing that letter.

I am so sorry to read of your family problems but I'm very happy you'd turned out to be a cut above your maternal family.

Congratulations and good luck.  Let me know how you got on.

Answer 8

Let them see this letter.

Answer 9

You'll regret it.