How can I explain to my child that...?

Question

I want to start out by syaing that I mean absolutely no disrespect to first parents. I have 2 adopted children. My first daughter and I have a very open relationship with her birthmom. My second daughter's birthmom has cut off contact with us (and her other 4 children..she left them with her ex-husband). I am very concerned about her and hope she is well, but she left no way to get in contact anymore.

Any adoptees been in this situation? If so, would you be willing to share any ideas with me how to make it easiest for my second daughter...especially since our first has contact. I would be greatful for any suggestions or comments.

I hope I have been able to word this properly as to not offend anyone, as I mean no disrespect to anyone on the adoption spectrum.

Answer 1

A lot depends on the age of your daughter, and how much info she even wants to hear. Some good resources you may want to check out are:

http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/adopt/...

http://www.parenthood.com/article-topics...

http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/talkin...

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/talking

http://www.caringforkids.cps.ca/behaviou...

Best of luck, and remember.... your daughters may not have grown in your bellies, but they grew in your heart.

Answer 2

If you have the money you can hire people to search for her. Other than that I am out of ideas.

Answer 3

Thank you for asking this question.  I have the almost exact same situation with my children.  I was wondering how to handle it, I have a while since my daughter is pretty young, but it nevers hurts to be prepared.  Sounds to me like your children are lucky to have someone who cares about their needs so much.  Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 4

Campbell pride 5: "... you also need to somehow let your daughter know that her mom just isn't like EVERY other mom out there, and that is why God made sure she had YOU!! "

I agree with most of what s/he said, but this part... your daughter needs to know that her natural mom is JUST like everyone else - we all feel pain, we all react to it. Sometimes people know how to react in a productive way (which you are teaching your kids), and some people did not learn that lesson (her nmom). You still love everyone, but give them their space to grow and learn. Take care.

Answer 5

It really is hard for your second daughter NOT to feel rejected. The thing that you have to make her understand with ALL clarity is that her mother is the issue not her. Her mother loved her enough to know that she wouldn't be a good parent, and she gave her to you so that the little girl would know love.

It is obvious that the girls mother either doesn't know how to love, can't handle affection, or is just not mentally healthy. That doesn't mean that she doesn't have love somewhere in her heart for her daughter it just means that she is emotionally crippled and CAN'T give love the way other mom's can.

There should never be a comparison to how one mother would be against another, even though in your situation I am sure that it is very hard to avoid it. Specialists will tell you that you shouldn't let children deal with adult situations, but you also need to somehow let your daughter know that her mom just isn't like EVERY other mom out there, and that is why God made sure she had YOU!!

Don't worry about offending people, I commend you on your bravery in being there for your daughters. Your situation is a very dificult one but not a hopeless situation. Just remember to remind her every day you love her and that she is not the problem. God gave you that little girl so you wouldn't have to share her with her mother maybe? Then if her mother decides to contact her again, cross that bridge when you get there. She may wander in and out like the wind, you never can tell.

I wish you luck!!!

Answer 6

Just be open and explain that some times people can't be there for each other, but that it doesn't diminish how much YOU love any of your children. Talk about feelings, and just be there. Good luck

Answer 7

I am so sad for your daughter. This must be devestating to her.

Yesterday my daghter was Baptized and her n grandparents and n great great mother were present....everyone who mattered was there but her mother. My daughter  was upset because her mom promised. Her mother's parents had no clue where she was...I called her home and the number has been changed to an unpublished number. And her cell just goes to voice mail.

Frankly I have had enough. I refuse to stand by an allow this innocent child to be treated like trash. My daughter told my husband and I today that she does not want to write her mommy anymore. I told her it was her decision but that she should remember her mommy loves her and may just be too confused right now. Then she asked "thee question" .....

"If she loved me so much why did she give me up and keep my sister and brothers?"     What do you tell a seven year old when they think they are not good enough.

This is exactly the type of enviroment that foster kids live in....mom is in the picture...mom is out of the picture. There is so much talk on the site about keeping the nfamily involved at all costs. Has anyone stopped to think in some situations it is just better left alone. I can not make her want to be a part of her child's life.....I have given up.

Cambell gave you some great advice and I plan on using what she said to reassure my dd that there is nothing wrong with her.....it's her mom's problem.

I may have given you advice that you already know but I wanted to share with you that your not alone in your disappointment. You,your DD and her mom will be in my thoughts.

Answer 8

Someone above me said this -

"There is so much talk on the site about keeping the nfamily involved at all costs. Has anyone stopped to think in some situations it is just better left alone."

It's an adoptee's reality - they've been given away by their mothers - there is no way around this stuff - but it's better to deal with it - as best you can - rather than not talk about it - not 'deal' with it - keep it all hidden in the shadows.

You see this stuff doesn't ever go away - and if it's not talked about - it just comes back to bite harder when the adoptee is older. (talking major therapy being needed)

I was relinquished and adopted a few days after my birth.

I was never allowed to know my first family.

I still felt a HUGE amount of pain.

That is the life of an adoptee.

Now I've found out that my mother and father married 6 months after my birth - and went on to have 3 more kids.

Mother won't allow anyone to have contact with me.

All kids are now in their 30's.

This stuff hurts - no matter what the age.

You will never be able to take that pain away.

You can be there for her when she hurts - validate her feelings - tell her you think it's rotten that she can't seem to be able to have contact with her - tell her that perhaps she's just one very messed up mother, that can't help others, let alone herself.

Be there for your daughter.

Tell her that you're sorry that she hurts.

Various events will constantly trigger grief.

But other than that - there's really not much else you can do.

You can't make her first mother be the mother that your daughter wants her to be. No one can.

I'm so sorry for every adoptee that is hurt by their birth mother.

No child deserves that hurt.

Answer 9

Wow... How do you answer those questions to a 36 year old???

I feel those same things and have the same kind of questions, or I did until my biological family found me recently.  Its just the kinds of things adopted people have to deal with.  The best thing you can do is just be there and tell her YOU love her and her sister loves her and you are her family.  Thats what really matters.

When my brother was able to find his relatives and half siblings etc and I couldn't I was jealous but torn.  I LOVE him.  Hes my "real" baby brother whether or not we came from the same place.  We grew up together, fought, I kicked anyones a$$ who ever laid a finger on him though LOL. Only I got to beat on him.  But I wanted him to have that and I was happy for him.  It just made it all the more difficult for me and made me feel my disconnect more acutely.

Its a hard one and there is no real answer, but just from your asking this here we can all see that you love your daughter very much and are a great mother to her.  Thats the best medicine of all.  Someday she will realize that you are the only Mom she really needs and you two will just be all the closer, at least she has a connection to the family, ie her n-grandparents etc and so those questions about where she came from and medical history etc can all be answered.  A lot of us don't even get that.

Answer 10

i was adopted at 11 and my birth mother cut off ties as well it was hard i thought nobody loved me but in a few months i learned that i have a new family who love me and would give the world to me...

Answer 11

Tell your daughter that her birth mother wanted a closed adoption.