How can I feel better about two weddings??

Question

My fiance is deploying in the military so we decided to get married this weekend in Vegas as a surprise to some friends, but, I told some of my family and they are making me feel horrible. They keep saying, 'you only get one wedding and you're choosing to exclude your family' when in reality we are still planning a big wedding in April 2010 for our friends and families. We just wanted to do something quick and crazy so that I had some coverage and security while he was deployed. I am so torn now and the 'wedding' is this weekend. SOMEONE MAKE ME FEEL BETTER PLEASE!!

Answer 1

I wish I could make you feel better but dear, once you're married, exchanged vows, it's a done deal that cannot be done again. As a mother, I would be very disappointed if I couldn't be there to see my daughter exchange vows. Either choose to invite your family to witness your wedding or wait until your fiance has leave or comes home to be married. I'm sorry you have to make this choice but life is full of choices, isn't it? Sometimes life is a bit unfair. But please thank your groom for sacrificing for us.

Answer 2

Two wedding is fine!

I met a couple once who "eloped" i guess is the technical term, and didn't tell anyone..then, they got married in front of their friends and family later on. :] Just get married, but don't get pregnant. haha. :]

If no one knew, it might be easier and less akward. Tell everyone your planning to just have the ONE wedding in April. :]

Answer 3

Family should be supporting you and if they can't then you should just be happy and marry your guy. Don't let them put a damper on your day. Take lots of pictures....

Answer 4

You have to do what makes YOU happy.  Yes, your family may be upset but they will get over it and once they see that you really are trying to plan a bigger event for later, they will likely forget all about being upset.  It is better to be secure and to make the right decision for you and your husband.  You can't make everyone happy all the time.  Good luck!

Answer 5

Please don't have a do-over wedding!

You get 1 wedding. That's it. No one wants to attend a "wedding" for people who are already married.

Have an anniversary celebration instead if you wish, but that's completely different.  

Answer 6

It's your wedding, you are marrying the love of your life- who cares how. It's your wedding and you can have it any way you want it. Tape it and send copies to friends and family explaining you will be having a big wedding when he returns home. Best Wishes to you both! Congratulations!

Answer 7

Your reasons for tying the knot "early" is you and your new husbands business.  Tell whoever is judging that you apologize if they are hurt for missing out on a wedding but dont fret over it.  So WHAT if you did marry early for benefits?  if that is something your husband wanted to do to take care of you then I think that shows a great man.  Dont let on that all their opinions are bothering you because then they will see it as an invitation to harp on it.

Answer 8

The first wedding is private, as a sign of faith between you and your man. This is between you and him. Your family is aware of your future plans - so forget them. This should be a very exciting day for you, and don't let them spoil it. You know they'll apologize soon after for being jerks and then you'll regret worrying about it on your special day. Have a great time and remember - if you try to please everyone, you'll please no one, including yourself.

Answer 9

there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you're doing. if your family isn't going to support you in the best day of your life, s***w em. think about it, this is the best thing you will probably ever do and you're family isn't even supporting you!

congrats on your wedding!

Answer 10

I have many, many friends in the military and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM got married before the huge wedding.  It's actually a smart decision on your behalf.

Military paperwork tends to take about year before any of the benefits kick in, so you SHOULD have both weddings.  Tell your girlfriends to stop living vicariously through you and if they aren't going to support your decisions, they don't get to come.

Do the Vegas one...maybe cut your guest list to just a handful of people and then when your husband gets back, do the whole she-bang.  Also, you don't have to tell anyone you are really married, you can simply call him your fiance (to everyone outside of the Military).

GO FOR IT.

Answer 11

I agree with iloveweddings and Lydia. You got married, you cant have two weddings. And your family has been led on that they will be witnessing your union in April 2010. Then you suddenly got married and ruined that. You should cancel the 2010 celebration, and throw a celebration right now straight after the fact.

Answer 12

GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!

It's your wedding day and no matter what family and friends think do what you both want wild an crazy is what you will remember and you can always have a "formal" wedding after he comes home.

My mom stuck her hands into my wedding wanting me to wear her mother's dress my husbands mom wanted me to wear hers I got so torn between "what they wanted" I said s***w it and did what WE wanted. What would you rather have, fun memories of you two doing something spontaneous and fun or doing what someone else wants you to do. It's your choice either way kiddo just enjoy yourselves, and congratulations!!

Answer 13

I dont see anything wrong with what youre doing, in fact thats not uncommon at all. Maybe theyll understand once he is deployed.  

Answer 14

It would be very improper and completely socially unacceptable to host a wedding and then play wedding with family later.  To get married for a benefit isn't right.  It just isn't.  Perhaps this is another reason your family is trying to help you understand why this is wrong.  You can read this in any etiquette book and it is probably why you are having a problem dealing with it yourself.  We usually know what is right down deep inside.  

Answer 15

They are correct that you are excluding your families from the wedding, however you have perfectly reasons to do this. You're throwing a reception later, so they are being given some chance to participate after you get married. If it bothers you that much then have your courthouse wedding at home so your family can be there for it.  

Answer 16

Hi.  I know that military people get deployed, but did he just get orders the other day and is leaving like next week?  I thought they gave you a little time to get things in order.

Sorry, I can't help you becasue I am not a fan of "do-over" weddings, which will be what you will have in 2010 after already being husband and wife for 2 years.  You cannot have another "wedding" you will already be married.  The wedding in Vegas IS your wedding.

I totally sympathize with your family and friends.  If there is any way to do things differently I would.  Throw together a quick wedding at home so as to involve your family and friends.  Get people involved and you can do a LOT in a little time.  It's your choice, though.

Answer 17

Just don't do the other. Have your wedding this weekend - and don't do that big other thing in two years. Maybe on your first anniversary, throw an anniversary party for close family.

Answer 18

you're doing the right thing.  but in the future, you'll know who in your family are the naysayers, and who the supporters are.

Answer 19

I feel that it is up to you two to decide what you want to do. Though your family is important and their feeling should be respected, you and your fiancee' are the ones getting married and starting your own family. Your position is also that much more complicated since your soon-to-be husband is a brave individual and is protection our nation. If you want to do the wedding in Vegas to "seal the deal" before he is deployed then go ahead and do it. It will then be up to your family if they still want to help in having another wedding or not.

I have friends in such situations that get married in a small ceremoney and then at a later date throw a wedding party/reception that involves all family and friends.

God Bless and best of wishes.

Answer 20

Your wording bothers me..."so we decided to get married this weekend in Vegas as a surprise to some friends"

Get married for YOU, not your friends.  Why the heck would you want to "surprise" some friends by getting married?

Here's my thumbs down answer:  Do the right thing.  If that includes getting married for love, do it.  Don't get married for "coverage and security" or to surprise your friends.  Sorry, but there's no such thing, and that's one crappy surprise.  Sure, you get benefits while your husband is overseas.  But if it's not the marriage you were dreaming of...oh, the stories I could tell you.  I lost count of the number of "Dear John" letters my friend told me guys in his squad got.

Answer 21

your family can go if they want to be at the wedding, the one in 2010 would basically be a vow renewal.

If this is what you want to do then don't let anyone else change your mind!  

Answer 22

You have to do what makes you happy.  No matter what you choose, someone will be unhappy and you definitely don't want that person to be either you or your fiance.

My husband and I decided to get married sooner rather then later and we both wanted a small wedding.  We had 50 guests total.  His parents weren't happy with how we went about it, his family wasn't happy to find that out either.  Their weddings are usually 200 for a small wedding.  We ended up only inviting his parents and siblings since we were told that we couldn't pick and choose the aunts and cousins to invite.  It was all or nothing.  We went with nothing.  Now, we have our first family function as a married couple this weekend and I know we're going to get lots of complaints from his family.  I'm not looking forward to it, but I wouldn't have had my wedding day any different then it was.  It was perfect.

So tell your family that your having your small wedding this weekend and that you will do a vow renewal and big reception in 2010 like originally planned.  If their not happy with that, then too bad.

Answer 23

I did something very similar to this. I got married in Vegas without my friends and family and two weeks later we had a reception. Looking back, I probably would have waited and done the wedding with them there. It really hurt some of my family members that they didn't get to come to my real wedding, even though they did get to help us celebrate later. If you have a wedding in two years I'd guess that a lot of people won't come because your marriage will be old news by then. Hate to say it, but it won't be a priority for some people. They might think that you are just having a wedding to get gifts. You need to think about what you have dreamed about for your wedding. If you really want a big wedding, I'd wait. If you are okay with the vegas thing and not having a wedding later, I'd get married this weekend. I'm sure your fiancee will understand if you change your mind and want to wait. Could you guys plan a big wedding quickly before he leaves? I think this would be the best option. You'd be surprised at how quickly you can plan one if you really want to! You'll be busy, but it is possible... unless he leaves in like two weeks. My friend planned hers in 6 weeks due to a deployment and it was fun and nice and everyone they wanted at their wedding got to be there.

Answer 24

Just tell the family where the wedding is and that if they want to come see it they can book a trip and come along.  Explain your reasons and tell them that you can't afford to anything more but if they would like to pay their own way they are welcome to show up.