How can I figure out if my grandson is mentally disabled?

Question

I believe that my grandson has ADHD at the least. He is three and not toilet trained, will walk around his home pulling a soiled diaper behind him to let his mom know he's done it. My daughter claims to have tried to teach him, but a friend of hers stated that she remarked it 'takes too much time, diapers are just faster'. The boy is very hyper, and you cannot understand him - he only makes noise, with few words in his vocabulary. He never speaks, only screams, and throws things at the least provocation.

If he were nearby I'd take him for testing but he's two states away. I'd appreciate any suggestions - right now I'm tempted to call their DHS, and he's my own grandson! His parents don't use drugs, but they are both not good parents, either. I'm a social worker, and I know I need to contact someone, but at this stage I feel darned either way I go.

Answer 1

I can tell this is a very frustrating situation for you, and you're probably very concerned about your grandson, but what is DHS going to do? take their son away because he's not potty-trained (which, by the way, at 3 it's not unusual to still be in diapers).  It does sound like he has some behavior issues, but 3 is awfully young to diagnose a disorder like ADHD.

The best thing to do in this situation is to have a talk without your daughter without being accusatory, don't tell her, "you're being a bad mom, it's ridiculous he's not potty-trained and he acts out" (and be aware, anytime your mom tells you how to raise your kids, it tends to sound like "you're doing it wrong" so approach the situation delicately).  

Your concerns are valid but you really need to work with your daughter here as opposed to making her change.

Answer 2

My family was going through this at one time. We wondered if it was my cousin who was mentally disabled, or, if it was just laziness on behalf of her parents...

To make a long story short, it ended up being her parents. She's 7 now & bright as can be. Just got back from spending a day with her, and she communicates beautifully for her age & has all sorts of whacky vibrant ideas, full of energy. Typical.

When she was a toddler & infant, we were perplexed. She didn't respond to questions, wasn't potty trained, didn't talk (except to make gruntal whining noises or act like an animal - really, barking, meowing, etc).

Simply, her parents were not working with her. No ABC song, no patience during potty training. The laziness of the parents poured over into the child, and made the child ill equipped & lazy at functioning. In pre-school the teachers noticed & thought there was something wrong, but the parents denied it. By kindergarten my cousin was functioning fine - b/c she had the teachers to inspire her to learn, and the other kids to show her how to act her age more or less (you know that monkey see monkey do behavior).

There are developmental tests which are conducted in early childhood to test for the beginning of mental illness or mental retardation. If you are a social worker, I'd ask around work to see if one of your colleagues has a book or other reference on these tests. Some of them are very simple & can be conducted in person, w/o the person being tested (or their parents) ever knowing you are testing. Of course you are not a professional, but these are accurate at gadging where your grandson may lie on the developmental scale.

Aside from calling the authorities on your daughter, and having the possibility of your grandson being taken away from his home & put in a traumatizing experience, you could buy as many educational toys, etc. as possible & when you visit with your grandson, play & try to teach him what you think he is lacking.

I'm sure he's fine & it's just going to take responsible adults & the education system to bring him up to speed & show him what he's been missing - b/c the poor little guy doesn't know he's missing anything yet.

Answer 3

Wow. Tough call.

Well, your grandson -- a lot of it is probably just poor parenting skills. I think he's just an out of control toddler with no limits or boundaries. It's too early to put an ADHD diagnosis on him. The toilet training issue definitely sounds like lazy parenting, like you said. Is he in day care and still totally out of control, or is she a stay-at-home mom? If he's just at home with her, I would attribute a lot of the problems to lack of guidance and attention. But I don't know the whole story, obviously.

It's too bad you're not closer. Do they (or you) have any close relatives where they live that could go over there and check it out for you, before you get CPS involved?

I don't know. I mean, you're obviously knowledgeable. But it would be so hard to have to call CPS on your own child.

Have you suggested to her that he goes in for testing, and did she pooh-pooh it?? What does the child's pediatrician think?

Answer 4

From recent experience with my own child, his behaviour is not as much ADHD as Possibly Aspergers or PDD-NOS, both of these are Autism Spectrum Disorders, Testing is a must the sooner the better, waiting until he starts school is not a good idea, the sooner he is diagnosed and they start working with him the better off he will be. Do a web search and contact their local Autism group to see if maybe someone local can go talk to them and maybe encourage them to get help for him. If not waiting until he starts school and having the teachers point out that something needs done.

Answer 5

ok there is not an issue wit the child there is an issue with the parents

you do need to contact someone at least to have your grandson checked out

if something comes of it you can alway take custody and adopt him

as far as ADHD goes it cannot/should not be diagnosed in children younger than 5 as they are all hyper with no attention span

Answer 6

if he is two states away then how can you tell if he has ADHD. which doesnt have anything to do with his inability to potty train, his vocabulary or his overall behavior.

sounds like he just needs to be taught how to express his self.

you can call the child services and they come out and investigate, but what if they dont find anything worthy of taking him, would you be willing to be honest about who called on her?

ADHD stands for attention deficit hyperacitve disorder which has nothing to do with the things you described here. and realistically a doctor wont diagnose this until it interferres with thier school activities.

but good luck

Answer 7

Mentally disabled??? You stated yourself your 2 states away I doubt you've spent enough time with the child and in school to make a diagnosis like that. Shame on you for being so judgmental of their parenting!! Just because their not doing things the way you would when it comes to potty training...get a hobby that doesn't involve worrying about things that are not your responsibility. It'd be one thing if the kid was abused but obviously it's harder to toilet train someone who doesn't communicate like you or just isn't ready. If the child has issues i'm sure the parents will attend to them and probably already are. Besides all doctors are gonna do is put the kid in some bs therapy and dope him up. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF...IT'S NOT YOUR KID

Answer 8

Would it work to ask her what her Dr thinks?  Surely, her child's Doctor noticed the lack of speech.  Perhaps mention taking him to a specialist.  I doubt DHS would step in this case...they usually have to have more severe situations.

Good Luck!  Very sad.  If he does have delays or any thing else, the sooner they get help, the better.  You could try that angle.