How can I find a solution to my adopted child? She is a nightmare I've spent my life saving on I need her out.

Question

I don't know where to go...I can't afford to send her to a camp or a home, but I can't live with her any longer. Is there any way to recover lost funds, and find a home for her? Anyone out there who can help me? I'm open to all...

Answer 1

Have you tried counseling? What would you do if this was your natural child? You adopted a child, you didn't buy a car! You should explore all options before you throw her out.  

Also, how old is she? I'm sure it doesn't help that she's aware that you look at her as a failed investment. The amount of money you spent on her adoption should have no bearing on her life with you!

Answer 2

I don't believe this is a real post, but it could be.  Parents have felt this way since the beginning of time.

It occured to me when I read some of the comments about how horrible you are, that some people (many of the same group) are attacking you by saying things like:

"You don't just get rid of a child who is difficult, as a parent your job is to help your child through it."

"You obviously aren't parent material anyhow"

"This poor girl would be better off with a parent who is willing to show her some love"

"Maybe someday you will develop dementia or Alzheimer's and one of your family members will ditch you off in a home, karma b*tch, what goes around comes around."

So......what if someone said all those things about a birthmother?  Just asking.  Think about it......

Answer 3

I am Right HERE with YOU....

Please call your Local DHS or CPS office today....

Ask for the Adoption Unit.

Let them Know that YOU need Family Preservation Services now... That You are in a situation that will lead to dissolution if you do not get some help today.

Please contact me if you need anymore advice... There is HELP and there are answers and YOU are very much NOT alone......

PS: Every DAY Biological Families are in the EXACT SAME situation and EVERY DAY people sign over their rights because they ARE NOT ABLE to DEAL with their OWN Biological Child... The Residential Treatment Centers are FULL of MOSTLY Biological Children.... 2 of 10 are adopted children in Our State the other 8 Bios....

To all those who think they would do differernt--STOP with all the Fairly Tale Imaginations YOU HAVE and deal with the fact that some families Do SEND their Children AWAY get a clue people!

***I am sure this parent has NOT spent all her money on Starbucks--She is sharing what happens when there is NOTHING else to do for her child--and No Answer to BUY....What do you assume she is speaking about when she says she has spent all of her money...going to Disneyland?

I am sure she has been to at least 10 therapy sessions since Winter Break....

***ETA: Leave this parent alone with the Judgements:

Met my daughter 1/03 she was 5

On 3/05/03 she had a PTSD-RAD and ARND Full blown rage--and without notice ran accross the room and shoved me over the baby gate.... there were 6 witnesses...

In Aug 03 while driving home from the Y after swimming lessons--she wanted McD's and I said no...She got out of her car seat and hit me in the head with a Glass Apple Juice bottle and my scalp was sliced open and blood everywhere while I was driving 55 --and ran off the road...

On 09/18/03 I gave the family CAT CPR because she had tied a bathrobe belt around his neck and wanted to see him DIE...............

She has been hospitalize 3 times Like Britney

Spent 14 months in Oregon Health Sciences University Child Psych Day Treatment

Spent 6 months in Residential treatment following an attack on our family that included Breaking the windows with her bare hands and trying to cut herself.

We see the Shrink Every Tuesday

We have the Highest level of Crisis Intervention and can call for someone to come to our home within 5 mins anytime we need it.

Our daughter is UNABLE to attend regular public school because the other children are at risk.

She attacked her teacher a few weeks ago and the teacher needed 8 stitches on her arm

It took 7 adults to contain her while waiting for help--when they called me I sent the Police as it requires this when she is in THAT space...

We have alarms on our doors,

Vedio

When I make Steak for Dinner we get the knives out of the SAFE.

And.... this is just the stuff I feel like writing about right now...

Answer 4

You asked this question all wrong...

Waa Waa about life savings, that is not the point. Some people have spent their life savings over & over again trying to conceive a child to no avail & they don't get their money back & don't even have a child to show for it.

The real issue is that your daughter is having some problems(what they are I obviously don't know) but you need to reach out for some real help, like counseling... for the both of you. I'm positive your negative attitude is not helping.. "She is a nightmare," "send her to a camp or a home," "I can't live with her any longer" blah blah blah about money. She'll feed off your negativity & it only intensifies the problems.

You actually sound as though you've really given up, but in reality you got what you ultimately wanted... to be a parent. You need to research & understand whats causing this & work(yes I said work) to try & find a solution. I would start with your local assistance (social workers/ FIA) to find some help. If your adoptee is in school, talk to someone there who may know of some help. It's time to take responsibility for your decision to parent, & you should do it by being the best parent you can be. Even when children are biological there are no guarantees. You had an expectation that was too great & now you're realizing that parenting comes with some disappointments, no human being is perfect. All you can do is deal with it maturely & rationally. Unless a professional advises you send her to an institution, it's rather pre-mature for you to assess that judgment.

Your whole question comes across as selfish & immature. If you do however feel like you are a danger to the child & if in any way feel you might harm her, turn her over to the authorities & check yourself into the psych ward at your local hospital.

Good luck to you & especially your daughter

Answer 5

She is your child because you adopted her. You cannot just throw her out as if she is some piece of used furniture. I'm sure there is a logical explanation for her behavior especially if she was adopted by you after her toddler stage. She's probably been bounced around from home to home, was abused or neglected. Everyone else probably gave up on her -like you are about to do-so she feels alone and unimportant. I think you should talk to her about her behavior and show her what is acceptable and what is not. Don't give up on her, look at the situation through her eyes, take a walk in her shoes, send her to a counselor or something- try working it out with her, she needs you more than you can ever imagine.

Answer 6

How about counseling?  If she was your biological child, would you want her out?  I know that children, no matter if adopted or biological can be hard sometimes, some harder than others but you were entrusted to care for her, and help her through the years, and if you cannot do it alone there is help with family counseling etc.  Don't give up on your daughter-

Answer 7

What would you do if this were your biological child? Handle it the same way.

Speak with others who can help, such as her school, the Department of Social Services and a doctor to find out what help is available in your area for a child with your daughter's difficulties.  I know there is plenty of help available for children with severe problems, including residential treatment.  Financial help is often available to help pay for the costs.

She's your daughter, not a "lemon" vehicle that can be "sold back."

Answer 8

you can't possibly be serious.

Answer 9

Assuming this is not a joke, I hope you're "open" to sentiments like "You make me sick" or "What on earth is wrong with you?"  Because you don't state how old your daughter is or what problems you've had with her--you just ask where you can dump her, scot free, and get a refund.  I wouldn't do that to a puppy or kitten I had taken in, let alone a human being.  

Had you given birth to your daughter, would you expect your money back?  I'm very glad my adoptive parents never did.  I was somewhat troublesome as a kid, and I now have a master's degree and am ending my Ph.D work so I can go back home and help my adoptive mom in her time of need.  For free.  Because I love her, not because I owe her.

Answer 10

"How can you find a solution to your adopted child?"

Stand by her! Get her help. Be a mother. What would you do if she was your bio child? You need to seriously think about getting her behavior counciling and yourself counciling.

"recovering lost funds"

were you drinking heavy when you wrote this question? You cant just take her back with a recipt!

We cant help you here. You need one on one advice. This is about your child not about you. A parent should do whatever it takes to make their child happy, adopted or not.

Answer 11

i'm really sorry that you are having a difficult time with your child, but, guess what...you are not alone...

my son's behavior sometimes drives me crazy and requires that i physically walk away from him.

my daughter is sometimes inconsolable and requires that my husband intervene so that i can get a breather.

annually, i spend about $20K in private school for both of them.  and a great deal of my income is used to provide for them.

yet, "getting rid of them" is never an option. and demanding a refund is laughable.

it's called parenting.  welcome to the club. also, i'm a bit concerned  that people find it "appropriate" to dissolve adoptions. especially international adoptions.

ETA: although children of biological parents do emancipate [ETA: place] their children due to behavior issues, the rate that this happens among aparents makes the analogy mute.

ps.  "stats of kids placed" are not the "number of children placed." also, i said R.A.T.E., not number. since adoptive children only make up less than 10% of kids in this country, 2 out of 10 is significantly higher than the rate for bio kids.

ETA2:  actual issue:  waa...waa...waa... "i didn't get the kid i paid for..." waa. waa. waa... <EOM>

ETA3:  wait a tick... "give her back to her bparents???" did i just read that?  yes. that's the ticket. give her back. and commandeer another woman's baby.  laughable.

Answer 12

What?  You want to recover the funds and give up a child that you adopted...she isn't a puppy you got from the pound.  There is state assistance for ALL (to my knowledge) adopted children, all you have to do is go out and look for it / find it...Call Health and Human Services

Answer 13

you should of never adopted!

Answer 14

Is this an open adoption? If so try reaching out to her birth parents. you never know. They may have had the same rebellious behavior as children. They might even want her back! I don't know the adoption laws but you never know. its worth a try!

Answer 15

I have an idea! Why don't you put her in a box and take her to the local wal-mart so that you can exchange her and get your full refund! Or you could always trade her with a different child that you might end up returning later because they do not work "perfectly". She is a human... not a new TV... WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES!!! When you were a child did your parents decide to "trade you in?". Probably not, I hope that you are going to be happy by ruining somebodys life!!!

Answer 16

You want a refund because you renaged on a promise of a FOREVER FAMILY

Take a hike

No child deserves to be spoken about in this way.  I hope the poor little mite never sees or hears this awful stuff said about her.   My heart is breaking for this kid.   What the heck are you doing to this child - IT'S NOT HER FAULT!!!!!

Answer 17

Surely you are joking, I can't imagine this being a real question..........email me and I'll buy her from you.

Answer 18

It sounds as though you need some professional intervention because you are at the end of your proverbial rope.  Call the department of human services, or a counselor right away.

Edit: Everyone needs to take a good look at Happymom's post.  The behaviors she describes are NOT unusual for children with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I've worked with them, as a psychiatric nurse on a child and adolescent psych unit for several years.  These are not kids that just don't want to clean their rooms.  The parents in these situations need SUPPORT and RESOURCES, not judgement from people that have never worked with, or parented, RAD children.  Obviously the poster of this question is at his/her wits' end.

Answer 19

If you were a well-informed adoptive parent with a good number of years under your belt, you would have phrased your question so differently. The way you have asked your question, it sounds as if you haven't had the child very long and you simply weren't prepared to be an adoptive parent at all, so it's hit you hard.

You need to follow the links people are giving you. You need to ask for help so that you can rise to the challenge of being a mother.

And then you need to tell people. You need to pass the word that the media's pie-in-the-sky depiction of adoption is terribly, dangerously misleading. Adoption is not an idyllic walk in the park, done on a whim. It's something you need to do a lot of preparatory work for. You need to be committed to doing it right.

Answer 20

OMFG! Are you serious? You can't be.

You don't just get rid of a child who is difficult, as a parent your job is to help your child through it. I have a child with a very traumatizing and hard to deal with disability, have I thought of getting respite care? Yes. Have I thought of ditching her for good? NEVER.

That being said you obviously aren't parent material anyhow so maybe this poor girl would be better off with a parent who is willing to take her care seriously and show her some love and compassion.

Maybe someday you will develop dementia or Alzheimer's and one of your family members will ditch you off in a home, karma b*tch, what goes around comes around.

Answer 21

Try an adoption agency.  Relinquish your parental rights.  If all else fails, put an ad on Craigslist.

Answer 22

The whole thought behind adopting a child is to take in a child who is stuck homeless or in a foster home a warm, trusting and nurturing home to grow up in. Adoptees go through enough as it is to not only have their adoptive parents reject them.

An old friend of mine was adopted and her adoptive father got himself into a lot of trouble and went to jail. This is not the same sort of incident but the fact that the people who weren't supposed to let her down did ruined her life. She completely changed and is now a really sad case, she's built up this big wall between her friends and herself, she is an alcoholic, she has no money and she just doesn't give a d**n about anything any more. If the people you love don't support you and give up on you, then it's likely you would give up on the world too.

You could really harm your adopted child. I would seriously reconsider rehoming her. I think you should be ashamed of even thinking this. Get off your selfish butt and do everything you can so that child will have a happy life.

Answer 23

I can only hope this isnt a real post.  Recover lost funds?  Did you expect that adopting a child would come with a money back guarantee.

Get counseling - you are your daughters parent - just as if you gave birth to her.  There is no return policy on parenting.

Answer 24

The recovering lost funds comment is horrible.

Go to the US Child Welfare Information Gateway site on Postadoption Services. There are a number of articles you can view there:

http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_posta...

Then, you can go to Adoption Assistance by State

http://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/ado...

Down at the bottom of the state page, usually around question #7, it will have link to your state Health & Human Services websites. They will be able to direct you to state specific post adoption services.

And knock it off with the nightmare nonsense. Maybe she considers YOU a nightmare.

Answer 25

Shaking my head in disbelief!!!!!and losing faith in humanity.....I only hope there is a lot of words unsaid in this question....otherwise OMG...

Answer 26

Answering you first - NO

If I believed you, which I dont I would tell you that you are lower than low.

You dont get *refunds* on a child adopted or otherwise - you just DEAL

If you really are in a predicament then you need to go and get some counselling for both you and the child to work out where to go from here.

As an adoptee and one that broke my mothers heart on more than one occasion i feel sure, and gave my parents h**l, but for which they NEVER EVER turned their back on me, never ever said anything cruel like you are , I find your question entirely repulsive (even if its a wind up)

How old is she ?

ETA - Amber hunny - trust me unless you are a abusive person or a narcistic one then NO adoption is NOT best, Your baby's MUMMY - YOU - is whats best for this baby - trust me I know what i am talking about - I was given up for adoption

ETA HappyMom - my god and to think yesterday i was giving you hugs and wishing you well...pftt after reading what you wrote here I feel sad that I was so generous with my feelings for you...My daughter is a nightmare at times, and i have a baby as well, I have emotional bullshit from being adopted and rejected in reunion again and again and AGAIN and I have other issues in my life, my point being that I am under huge stresses, and so having a daughter who is at times to say the least frustrating DAILY is HARD WORK - but i would no more give her away or put her in foster care than fly to the moon, or cut off my arm

You people - AS IN THE USA needs to wake up, smell the roses and stop giving away your children when you hit a little bump OR A BIG ON in the road called LIFE.

All I hear out of the USA is the amount of *parents* giving away their children either at birth or during the course of their little lives

Stop being so Selfish and take responsibility and show some maturity and raise your children adopted or biological in the right way so that the next generation isnt all about Me Me Me and dont throw in the towel the moment life throws you a spanner in the works or it gets a little tough going...

Answer 27

omg I am reading this and I am just speachless...I have cried my eyes out for so many nights trying to decide if adoption is best for my unborn baby...

Now I'm not so sure.  

omg this is so heartbreaking, I can't stop crying

Answer 28

I would hope that my baby's foster parents would always live up to the responsibility they were willing to embark upon, no matter what. I believe that's what a good parent does. I would also hope that money would be nothing in comparison to the health and happiness of my daughter. If you are unable to parent her, which is reasonable... some kids need special circumstances... go to a Social Services Agency or Child Protective and tell them you would like to sign her into foster care. The best thing you can do for her is give her a chance to find someone who doesn't think she's a nightmare.

Answer 29

And what of your behavior?  Is it all the child's fault?  Have you tried family counseling to see if there's a deeper reason for her behavior...that she's acting out instead of talking it out?

I'm sorry for this girl.  No one to love her, no future to look forward to.  Just....sad.

Answer 30

What did you spend your life savings on?  Was it counseling? You can't "return" her and get your money back.  You don't say how old she is now or how old she was when you adopted her.  A lot of kids act out as a way to test your love. She could be afraid of being abandoned again, which is exactly what you were planning to do, so you are making her assumption correct.  It is obvious that you need outside help.  Please call your local department of social services and try to work it out. Don't be another disapointment in her life.  This may just be a temporary phase.

By the way I have heard that one in three kids in residential treatment centers are adopted.  Adopted children and biological children both have problems, adopted children are more prone to some issues because of the abandonment and rejection in their past.

Answer 31

well the first thing is that just because you adopted her does not mean that she is not your child... lets look at it from this point... if you had given birth to her how could you give her back... there would be nobody to take her back to ... children are not items that can be taken back... there is no way of "getting your money back" you agreed to assume the responsiblity.