How can I find myself?

Question

I know its better to be yourself around people, but how do you truly find who you are? I don't want to change who I am to be friends with people. How can I just be myself and still have friends and not try to impress anyone? Being in eighth grade, its extremely hard to do that. You want to "fit in" but at the same time you don't want to "stage" your appearance for people. I just wanna be myself without worrying about other people. I'm very shy and self-conscious, and I just feel very confused right now. Is this all just a phase or something?

Answer 1

Keep in mind that every time anyone interacts with other people, they are acting.  Who we are changes based on who we are around.  This is especially true when we're young because we keep trying out different personalities, but even when you're older the way you act at work will be different than when you're around your family, which will be different than who you are around your friends.  Who "I" am will change every day even if I am by myself day after day, because the collection of thoughts that animates me will change and the events in my memory will change.

I think that the biggest cause of being shy and confused when we're young is that we all believe that the issues and problems we face are problems unique to us.  When I was growing up, I always felt like the troubles I had were problems that only I had.  Just remember that the odds are good that if something makes you feel awkward, or if you worry about something, most other people do too.  Remember the wise words "This too shall pass," because there will be many times when you feel like something you have done will be a source of misery forever, when really no one will care in a week.

It is sort of a phase, but not one that everyone grows out of.  I can still remember 8th grade, high school, and college.  I am 24 now, and I have definitely "grown out" of many of the worries and difficulties I had when I was younger, but I am sure I'll look back on myself five years from now and think "What an idiot I was."  Every year you'll understand the world a little better, and things that once went over your head will make a lot of sense to you.  Just enjoy yourself as you go along, because before you know it you'll be my age wondering what happened to being a kid, and then you'll turn around and be middle aged.

Answer 2

"Who you are" is also based largely on character. That means how will you act when it's difficult. Will you steal when nobody is looking? Will you lie when no one will ever know? Will you cheat when you have the opportunity? Will you be kind when all your friends are being mean?

Check out this cool poem:

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling  

Answer 3

I know this may be hard at your age but try to spend some time alone.  Even if it's just one day out of the week.  Get to know yourself with out the pressure of others around you.  Think about the things you would like to do -- your goals, any interests or hobbies, things like that.  You might also consider keeping a journal.  Somehow when you put your feelings and opinions into writing, they seem more real and years from now, you can go back and read them.  

You are so wise for your age.  Very few people know (even adults) that in order to be successful in society, we must know our own mind, heart and soul.

Good luck!

Answer 4

spend some time alone getting to know yourself; learn as much as you can about people and the world and make up your mind for yourself;  its normal to want to fit in, but be true to yourself; learning about yourself is a lifelong process; be still and listen to your own voice inside of you

Answer 5

Just do some soul searching and really think about it.  Knowing who you really are is very important.  Its okay im in 8th grade too.  Dont worry about fitting in or being an outcast.  Cliques are labels.  Labels are just stupid.  You are you.  How I personally work myself around school is just being friends with everyone.  The higher ranking people and the lower ranking people.  Dont be shy and self conscious unless thats truly you.  If you wanna be outgoing than be it.  Dont be afraid that others wont accept you.  If they dont accecpt than that is there loss  You should pitty them.  You cant be more than you are.  You being yourself alone is more than enough.  I understand that you may be feeling alone on this subject.  Since I have already found who I am, if you need any help or support feel free to contact me.  God bless.

Answer 6

I agree with Paul C that people "act" when they are with friends. For instance, Erving Goffman (sociologist) had a book out called "The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life" and in here he described how people were sort of like actors. You have to adjust your being to fit a certain environment. In the book he mentions dramaturgical perspective. "In dramaturgical sociology it is argued that human actions are dependent upon time, place, and audience. In other words, to Goffman, the self is a sense of who one is, a dramatic effect emerging from the immediate scene being presented". Basically, like I said before, you adjust the way you behave based on the scene that is presented to you. So, for instance, you will never be the same person you are when you are with your family from that person when you are with your friends. You, of course, will not change drastically, but the way you talk and behave won't be the same. You have to be the person that you know you are. Follow through with the person that you are, and become it. Others will view you as you want to be viewed. It is partly a phase to go through finding who you are, especially because you are at that age where you are finding out more how you fit into the world and what your part is. But, it also can be a bit of who you are, maybe a person who is cautious and wants to get a better feel for his surroundings before you jump into anything.

I also just want to add something else, probably going off tangent here but, the environment of schools are designed to have many different sorts of dynamics happening at once. Its like a small society in itself, because once you step into school your world is different. You no longer think about the outside world, only about the "school world" if that makes sense? So, it might be hard to balance or find yourself when you are going from the school environment to the outside 'real' world environment. Also, as a young man like yourself, it can be confusing to find yourself, since you have many roles to play out, that of a student, brother, friend..etc. But, what I am trying to say is, I understand how hard it can be, but trust me, it will be posible for you to find yourself. All these processes are just a part of shaping who you are or who you will become. (I'm writing this at like 4am, cause I can't sleep so if it doesn't make sense, you now know why :P)