How can I fix my relationship with my 11 year-old half sister (I screwed up big time)???

Question

I'm really sad about what I put my lil' sis through! She lives an unusual life. She lives with my Dad who is 71 and her Mom comes and goes (she's a drug addict and an alcholic). She's a very pretty girl and is so mature for her age (probably from hanging out with so many adults). She's bi-racial (my Dad is white and her Mom is black) and I think that's a little rough on her since she goes to a kinda small country school and there's only a few black or bi-racial kids. She is also much bigger and more developed than the other girls. She looks more like she should be in highschool than sixth grade. Anyways, here's the weird part! I'm 35! I found out about her when my Dad confessed about 9 years ago that he had a girlfriend (they aren't together anymore, he was basically her "sugardaddy" 'cause he had money at the time) and a baby from her. I was upset but excited. I have a sis around my own age but this was so un-expected! I fell in love with her. She was the most adorable toddler and so smart! Everyone that met her fell in love with her. She was just precious. Her Mom began using drugs and alcohol really bad. I was a recovering addict and alcholic myself. I devolped a close relationship with the little girl and I'd go visit her in the winter in Florida (my Dad would enroll her in school in Florida in the winter). However, my last visit was a disaster! She was nine (going on 10). I had been re-lapsing really bad and using drugs and drinking again. I partied when I was down there and instead of hanging out with her, I went out drinking and using drugs and staying out all night. I know she was crushed especially since she saw her Mom act the same way so often. She had really looked up to me! I treated her more like an adult than a little kid and we could talk about anything! I got so drunk and my Dad was yelling at me that I threatened suicide and jumped into the bay. It was embarassing and stupid and she saw it all. She saw me barely able to walk and I had overdosed on Xanax (a sedative) and I'm sure she thought I was dying. Since then (almost 2 years?), I haven't talked to her even though she lives only a mile away! I desperately want to gain her respect back. It's going to be awkward though. Should I apologize and explain what happened (she's old enough to understand addiction and she knows about it well because of her mother)? What are some things that we could do together? I was thinking shopping! I was going to buy her something special! Any suggestions? Something cool! What about a pretty pre-paid cell phone that takes pics. so she can call me? I want to be there for her even though I think her Mom has straightened up a little. Any advice is so apprecciated! I AM SO SORRY THAT THIS IS SOOOO LONG! I REALLY THANK YOU FOR READING ALL OF THISI!!!

Answer 1

In my opinion you should try shopping let her choose clothes that she want to wear and buy. This can show her that you respect her opinions and choices even if no one else did before. You can gain her respect by showing that you are mature and that things will improve in the future. Give her hope that her life can and will be better. She obvious went through a lot in her life so don't judge her or laugh at her but talked with her. Make her believe that she is someone special. She deserve to be love better so my advice to you love her stronger than anybody. Get her phone and maybe that can improve your relationship with her.

Answer 2

This girl has never had any sort of normal family life; all the adults who are closest to her have repeatedly proven themselves to be totally unreliable; she watched you get out of control and thought the one adult she respected was about to die right in front of her... and you think a shopping trip is going to make everything all right?  You think just throwing a little money and a few shiny objects will regain her trust and respect and love?  

It's time to stop being selfish.  Stop trying to take the easy way out (doing drugs, throwing money at problems) and accept the consequences.  Trust isn't something that comes overnight - it's something you have to build for a long time, by being reliable each and every day.  

Don't use this little girl to validate yourself - she isn't here so that you can feel loved.  You are here to take care of her and be a good example to her, and it's about time you started.  (For starters, don't post pictures of underage girls on the internet for pedophiles to drool over just so you can brag about her.)  Look at the role models in her life - do you really want her to become a gold-digger or drug addict?  How is she going to believe there is any other choice for her?

Sit down and talk with her.  Tell her you're really sorry for everything you put her through.  Explain why you did it, but don't make excuses to avoid responsibility - admit that you made mistakes and you're trying to fix them now.  Tell her that you would like to start with her, since she is so very important to you.  Ask if she will give you a second chance, and offer not just your money, but your time.  Offer to have "girl time" on a regular basis (by phone, email, or in person) so she has some stability.  Send her presents every birthday and Christmas - make sure they arrive early, not late.  The cell phone gift is a great idea, but that isn't what's going to win her back.

Answer 3

To be honest, unless your prepared to live a life that's more stable and not bring this type of behavior around her, it's probably better that your not part of her life. She already has had to deal with this from her mother in her life for too long. If your ready to make that step then, wait until you've been clean and sober for atleast a year and then approach her with your apology. Don't make excuses for or explain your behavior, just simply apologize that you put her through that, for the effects it's had in her life and in your relationship. Promise to keep yourself the way you should to keep your realtionship with her intact. Then actually keep your promise, if it's something your not sure you can do then keep to yourself, let her have the most normal and stable life she can. As to the buying things for her wait until your relationship is better, otherwise it's seems like your trying to buy her to overlook things and get her back. Instead just take her places and spend time with her, since a one on one relationship is really what matters, not things.Good luck.

Answer 4

Are you clean? How long have you been clean? It's hard with the drug alcohol combo I would imagine. But, if you are clean, and have been for a while then you need to fix the relationship. Do you know if your sister has picked up these habits? Do you know anything about her? Start by calling, texting, emailing or whatever, and letting her know that you would like to meet with her to renew your sister relationship. If she doesn't want to at this time then don't give up hope. She may come around sooner or later. Let her know in the email how you are doing, why you want to renew the relationship and how you would like to have a sisters half day out. I wouldn't go a whole day unless you and she feels very very comfortable with one another. When you meed ask her if you could explain how you have felt the last two years of the last time you met. After you talk, if you do, then ask her how she is .....how's school...anything that will pertain to her to make her feel special. Good Luck to you both

Answer 5

yes, i would sit her down and talk to her, but you have to understand one thing, you cant be of much help until your are totally clean and sober, and for her sake i hope you are..and will be there for her, sounds like she could really use you right now...good luck...

Answer 6

Wow! I feel so bad 4 u! I think you should talk to her and cheer her up with an awesome present like a cell phone, a really nice necklace, or bracelet. Explain to her what happened and take a day or 2 to go out with her and do things she likes like a huge shopping spree, go see a movie, go to her favorite restaurant, or take her swimming or something. She'll forgive you, trust me. You should bond with her and show her what a great big sister you are. Since you only live a mile away you could buy some walkie- talkies so that you can keep in touch all the time and check in on her once in a while. I also suggest having a sleepover just the two of you with lots of snacks movies, games, and talk with her.

Well that's all i have I hope this helps and i hope you 2 will sort things out. Have fun!!

Answer 7

You should start by writing a letter and seeign she wants to have a relationship with you. then you can slowally build up trust again but it might and probally will take a while.

Answer 8

You are her sister and if you don't repair the relationship you will miss out on the rest of her childhood. This has nothing to do with what her mom does or doesn't do this is about you and her. Be honest about your mistakes and be there for her so that she doesn't make the same ones. Give her a call and set up a time to do something she wants to do. Tell her you love her and that you want to be a part of her life. You let her down and it may take a while for her to trust you again. Be patient and go slow. God Bless you both!

Answer 9

Write her a letter explaining everything and you feelings including your e-mail and phone number and mail it to her and leave it alone. Once you have opened the lines of communication she will need to decide if she wants to communicate with you.  

Answer 10

First how long have you been clean and second do you have any urges to go back?  No need to post answers but if the answer to ne of these two questions is yes, then you need to leave her alone.  She already has one addict and alcoholic in her life.  To add another would be irresponsible and selfish on your part.  If you are serious about it and ready to try to restart a relationship, first reconcile things with your dad.  Start slow.. maybe a lunch for the three of you and gradually show your dad that you are clean and ready for this responsibility.  It's going to take alot of time and alot of patience on your part but if your serious about it then it will be worth it in the end.