How can I forgive Sister-in-law?

Question

I have always been very close to my brother. Only two years between us and we grew up in the same group of friends so when he met his future wife I envisioned gaining a sister.

My brother (aged 40) and his wife have been married for over 10 years and just before I had my babies four years ago the relationship soured between me and his wife. It started over her best friend who saw me as a threat and took an instant dislike to me. Trouble was when I had a confrontation with her and went running to my brother he cut me dead and then when his wife refused to allow me to join their friends at New Year he defended this decision and it has put a wedge between us.

He told me that she didnt want to be friends with me as she had enough of her own friends and family and supported her in this. I felt betrayed and let down and her and I had a showdown on the telephone

I feel so proud that nothing nasty left my lips but she ripped into me eg "the only person I consider a sister is my best friend" and she accused me falsely of saying things about her and my brother like I would be glad if they broke up (which would never ever come into my mind as they have three lovely kids) anyway to keep the peace I ended up apologising to her!!! (I so regret this now)

A few years later she apologised to me following a heath scare of hers and we agreed to leave it all in the past.

Trouble is I know you will think badly of me but I am finding it hard to forgive her. I never hold a grudge usually and I am estraged from my brother. I am so worried that my relationship with him will never be the same again!! I can't even pick up the phone to him as the last time I rang him he was short and to the point and I immediately thought he was being funny with me when he was probably just busy at work.

My dad told me that my brother has had loads of marriage problems and they nearly split up last year. I don't know what to do for the best

Answer 1

when all is said and done

YOUR brother knows what she is like

she sounds like a trouble maker

if hes as nice as you say he is, believe me, his wife will have him under the thumb.

if there is trouble in the marriage , then leave it be. If you two have the relationship you say, then he will know deep down what the truth is

Answer 2

Your brother was wrong in the first place for expecting you to accept her needs when her needs were wrong and unjustified. But what he did was let her dictate to him how he should feel and what he should do. His mistake, not hers because it is how she was and is.

You dear, if you were unjustly accused had nothing to apologize for and by doing it you let yourself be controlled by a person that did not deserve the control of yopu in the first place. Her problems in her marriage were blamed on anyone other than herself, her way of justifying the problems she was having. The blame always falls where it does not belong.

The reason he is having trouble in his marriage is because he may be realizing what type of person she really is. Does not mean you have to subject yourself to her or let her have the pleasure of doing it again.

When you marry you get extended family whether you like it or not and it is in thing she did not take into consideration before she shut the doors on you.

Yes, forgive and forget but keep your guard up. It is the relationship with your brother that you need more than that of her, especially after how she treated you.

And let me add the art of forgiving is sometimes misunderstood. Gos is the only one that needs to know you forgive and who. It is between you and Him. Once you have forgiven you wash your hands of it and let Him hold onto the burden of it. It is a personal decision and one that takes time and patience.

But let me also add there are some in my life I have never really been able to forgive completely yet. In return I have felt sorry for them instead of holding grudges and hurt that affects me more than them.

Let the regrets fall on others shoulders, not yours.

Answer 3

the answer is acceptance, you have to accept something rather than sit there and think about how it could be different, once you get yourself to accept the fact you will move on a lot easier, good luck. he is your brother he will always love you but things might not be the way they were from before his marriage because he IS married with his own family now and you have to respect that he's a full grown adult, don't worry you guys will always love each other, hes probably in a hard place as well, give it time

Answer 4

Wow. Well, your bother's wife sounds like a Devil who loves him but is keeping other people away from him so that's kind of bad. If they have had loads of marriage problems, they should just split up or hire a marriage counselor. If she accuses you of saying/doing things you never did, you are at no fault here. She is just a big liar. You don't have to forgive this woman because of her horrible past. If you REALLY want to, just forget about the past like you promised and find something else to occupy your anger and your time.

Answer 5

I learned that forgiveness is smtg you do for yourself, not the other party involved. It's still difficult to forgive but it will make your life easier.

Answer 6

said  and  done

Answer 7

Your brother owes you an apology. Him and his wife act like fools.  

Answer 8

I think to forgive you first have to understand and accept the other person, and I don't mean you have to agree necessarily, just understand.

Maybe if you had a chat with your S-I-L over a cuppa, making sure that you both understand that the past is the past, but you need to understand the reasons for her actions so you can move on properly.  If you can both do this maturely without starting all-out war all over again, it might be good for both of you coz there might be things that are still niggling your S-I-L too.

Then when the relationship with your S-I-L is a bit better, you could then start work on repairing the relationship with your brother.

Answer 9

yes it is hard to forgive but you have to for your own salvation. this doesn't mean you have to forget. you just need to ask the Lord to help you find forgiveness in your heart. if you do this He will deliver. i will pray for you so you can find it in your heart to forgive.

Answer 10

you need to forgive and forget if u want your relationship with your brother back

Answer 11

I am sure that you love your brother more than you resent her and the things she has done to do.  It is alot easier to forgive than it is to  forget.  If your brother is having marital problems then maybe now is the time he needs you.  Maybe he is realizing the way she treated you, but it is hard to admit when you made a mistake.  So, my advice is to not try and push or force the relationship w/your brother.  Just call him once in awhile to say hi and see what he is doing.  DO NOT let on that you have any idea about the problems in his marriage.  Let him tell you, if he chooses to do so.  Keep the conversations short and sweet. Ask about the kids how they are doing etc.  End the conversation by Saying, "tell "wife" and "kids" I said hello, and send them my love."

Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best for everyone.