How can I get help for my mother?

Question

I think my mother is bi-polar, or she has some sort of personality disorder. All my life she has never cleaned much, and our whole house looks like a dumpster (Literally).

She works maybe one or two hours out of the whole day (she's a stay at home mom) yet, I'm the youngest in my family and I'm 17. She doesn't need to be a stay at home mom when there is no children to take care of.

She hasn't worked a job in over 20 years, and my father is the only one that brings in the money for the family.

Whenever I walk past her, she is either eating, reading, watching TV, or sleeping (yes, during the day!).

But then it gets worse, when I see her being lazy she goes ape **** and thinks I'm harassing her, when all I'm trying to do is get her to clean.

If my dad is around, he says to stop harassing her. (He thinks I am just because she is yelling at me to leave her alone)

I don't know what to do anymore, she doesn't think she has a problem, my dad doesn't have the money to get her psychological help (They aren't insured) and my dad thinks nothing can be done to change her.

All advice is welcome.

Answer 1

your mom is so lazy sad to say but thats reality.

Answer 2

There's a lot said in your post about the problem, and it's more than a mom. I see not only a triangle, mom-dad-you, but see accusations.

Part of the problem of getting help, especially interpersonal help, is it's really a family affair -- everyone is involved. Mom won't change, unless the environment is conductive for change (with support from her husband, you and siblings).

Second problem is depression (more than likely what's affecting her, but usually is but one of a triad of issues), is a biochemical disorder, and pep talks and "snap out of it" language won't help at all (nor 1001 self-help books). She'll need to see a MD for medication --  encourage your dad to think of it as a broken arm that needs mending, not "just in the head". To often issues like this is delayed, and delayed so long that marriages and relationships with family deterioate to the point of no return.

Repeat, depression is a *medical* problem, not just "in the head". It's no different than a diabetic with insulin level swings.

Best bet is to get her to see a family physician, and get a work up (she could have other health issues that mimics depression). In medicine, the quicker something is diagosed the better the prognosis. Delay, and the damage could be even fatal.

Answer 3

My ma is the same..its not that she has bi-polar...its because she is lazy...

but i still love my mum to bits.....

she probably did all the work when you were little..so its her time to relax...if you still live at home...why dont you give a hand with the chores?

Answer 4

It doesn't sound like bi-polar.  I hate to say this and sound rude but it sounds like straight up laziness.  She has no motivation.  It could be that she never had to growing up, or was never taught to, or it could be that your dad has been able to support her and that's all she cares about.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you and that this is how you've had to live your life.  It's sad she doesn't see how it hurts you.  Your dad may not say anything to her because maybe he knows more about it that you do.  If it was something in her past maybe he doesn't know how to tell her (20 yrs later) to get over it.  There's a lot of possibilities really.  

The only advice I know to give, is, when you can, get out of there.  It's not a healthy environment.  Be supportive, but try to get out.  Also, take what you've seen, and apply it to your own life.  Remember how much you dislike it and want it to be clean and be sure to do that when you are on your own and when you are married.  Also, be sure that the person you end up with isn't like your mom.

When possible try to help around, maybe one day she'll get the hint and pick up too.  I wish there were more that you could do to help her, but without her seeking help, there really isn't.  She won't admit she has a problem until she sees it in herself, and sometimes that just doesn't happen for people.

I wish you the best though and hope things get better for you!

Answer 5

What you're describing is nothing at all like bipolar. Bipolar involves alternating periods of intense, INTENSE depression and mania (usually the person will be euphoric, speak too fast, have a TON of energy etc and be really irritable).

Maybe she really is just lazy and if your dad doesn't mind being the only breadwinner then so be it - that's something that they have to decide and be happy with.

If you think that she is depressed or something more serious then you could try to convince her to go to a free counseling clinic (there are some in most places).

Whether she is just lazy or there is something actually wrong with her, trying to get her to clean is probably just going to annoy the h**l out of her so if you can't stand the mess, then you'll have to clean it.

Answer 6

There could be other things that are wrong with her.  It appears that she lacks ADLs.  Did she do these things when she was younger?  If not, that is probably the case along with some depression.  Many people who are bi-polar tend to have "episodes" and tend to be in a really good mood one day and then have sporadic outbursts or depression another.  They also tend to trade their household items or get rid of them for other things.  They are always trying to change things around them.  Impulsivity is a major tip-off.  If she HAS cleaned, cooked, etc. when she was younger or before she was married, perhaps she just thinks that she doesn't HAVE to as your father let her just "stay home" and not take care of responsibilities.  If you think there is a problem, she can apply for Medicaid and then be referred to seek help.  IF she really DOES have a problem, she can be helped and probably needs another opinion NOT from the family to gain a better insight of what is going on with her.  She can also seek treatment with medication.

Answer 7

Does anyone else clean the house? Have you or your dad tried? Its not just the mums job to clean, everyone needs to give a helping hand.

You could start cleaning as maybe ask if she'd give you a hand with one of the bigger jobs to get her started.

I dont think she has any sort of psychological problem, it sounds like she's just a lazy person. Theres plenty of them in the world.

If you're really that unhappy about it you could always move out, you're 17 and old enough to be in a place of your own that you can clean as much as you like.

Answer 8

pray about it it is hard to change someone who doesnt want to change so the best thing to do is pray for her