How can I get my 3 year old to understand death? Or atleast get her to stop talking about it??

Question

My mother passed away when I was 13. My daughter, who just turned 3, recently asked why I didn't have a mommy, so I explained to her that she got sick and died and went to heaven with our dog (she seemed to understand pretty much when our dog died). Now that's all she wants to talk about. I wouldn't mind so much, but when we do talk about it she gets more confused and tells me to call her and tell her to come back, so all it does is make me sad and she still doesn't understand. As we speak she is "writing" in her coloring book and she says that it means "Grandma Wanda, you need to come home right now. You shouldn't leave my mommy. She wants you to be with her. You need to come back now!" I dont even know where to go from here.

Answer 1

I agree with the poster who said you should read a book to her about death to help her understand.

I think, though, that some of her fixation on the subject might come from her own fear of losing you... she knows your mommy is gone, and she is probably afraid the same thing might happen to her. Perhaps you should reassure her about it?

Answer 2

You need to explain to her that heaven is a place that people don't come back from.  Once you go to heaven you can't come back.

But that grandma wanda  is watching us from heaven and she loves us and she's here with us in our hearts.  And someday when we are old and we die, we will see grandma wanda again and puppy and everyone we love that has gone to heaven before us.

Good Luck.  

The only other thing I can suggest is to go to the book store, there are several books out there written specifically for children that will help them understand...

Answer 3

try telling her that it makes you very sad to think about your mom. (if it didn't, you wouldn't be bothered like that). if she understood the dog dying, she understands your mom dying. its just her curiosity of what happened SPECIFICALLY. but try not giving her the details.

Answer 4

There is no reasoning with a three year old.  What is the sentiment that you have left with your daughter? Have you expressed that you want your mother to come back? Are you experiencing problems that she can perceive that lead her to believe that your mother holds the answer to your problems? IF this is the case then you need to include your daughter in your problem solving. Make her believe that she is helping you. Also  remember that it is okay to tell little ones that "mommy doesn't know" the answer to some questions. I don't recommend that you tell her that she can find out when she gets to heaven.  

Answer 5

Stop showing your emotions in front of our daughter. She's seeing that whenever you/daughter talk about your mother that you get sad, which is making you daughter sad seeing you like that.  

Answer 6

tell her that she cant come back. tell her that when you die you go to heaven so you can watch over your family and it is really important that she does that. that is really all i can think of  good luck

Answer 7

It is important to explain matters in simple terms.  Keep it truthful too.  As like what you did, do not hesitate to use the real words, such as "dead" and "death."  For example, you might say: "a very, very sad thing has happened. Grandma got very sick with a disease that not many people get (or whatever you know to be true), and she died.  It isn't anybody's fault that she died. We'll miss her she loved us." However, it may be helpful to explain that the child or her surviving parent is not likely to die simply because that one gets sick at times.

Encourage their questions.  'What's dead?' she may ask. You might answer this way: "'Dead' means that the body stopped working and can't do any of the things it used to-it can't talk, see, or hear, and it can't feel anything."  (If you believes in Bible's promise of a resurretion can use this opportunity to explain that God remembers the departed one and can bring her back to life in the future earthly Paradise. (Luke 23:43, John 5:28,29).

Is there anything you should not say? It is not helpful to say that the deceased has gone on a long journey. Fear of abandonment is a major concern for a child, especially when a parent has died. To be told that the deceased has gone on a trip may only reinforce the child’s feeling of abandonment and he may reason: ‘Grandma left, and she didn’t even say good-bye!’ Be careful, too, with young children, about saying that the departed one has gone to sleep. Children tend to be very literal. If a child equates sleep with death, a fear of going to bed at night can result.

Should you hide your grief from children? Crying in front of children is both normal and healthy. Besides, it is almost impossible to hide your feelings from children completely; they tend to be very discerning and can often sense that something is wrong. Being honest about your grief lets them know that it is normal to grieve and at times to show your feelings.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Maybe tell her that even though we do not see them or hear them  they are with us in our heart and watching over us. They are our guardian angels.