How can I get my 9 yr. old daughter to not be so critical of her 7 year old brother?

Question

My 9 yr. old daughter is sooo critical of her 7 yr. old brother. She is always arguing with him, correcting him...if he says a word wrong...(he is going to speech therapy next week)...she'll ask "Are you going to wear that?" ...just on and on. I know some of this is normal...but, it seems a bit excessive lately. If I tell her to cut it out...she replies that her step-sisters (at her dad's house and are older) treat her like that. I tell her that I cannot control behaviors at her dad's house, but I will control them in our house. We have a 13 yr. old step-son that lives with us...he also cannot stand the way my daughter treats her brother. What is going on? What are some reasons she may be doing this to him and what can I do to help the situation? She has mentioned that she is scared for her brother at their dad's house...no one watches him...but, yet she comes home and is just on him non-stop. Could she be stuck in a "mother" role from being at her dad's? It does tend to be worse when they come back. help???

Answer 1

Sounds the the 9yearold is going through a tough time. it maybe that since the kids at dads house talk to her like that she is acting that way there to be accepted into their family. And maybe she thinks if it makes her 'cool' and 'accepted' there it will do the same thing at moms house

Answer 2

Does she get allowance? Make her give you a quarter every time she does it. Or make a chart and put a tally mark on it every time she does it so she can see how many times a day she does this. And make her owe you 5 or 10 minutes per tally mark, but make the time be served at her favorite time of the day be it TV or free time whatever and if it adds up to 3 hours so be it she earned it and could see how many she had. Or make her fold 1 load of laundry per tally mark, you could get your laundry folded for weeks on end LOL.

I have also made my kids stop and compliment one another if they are nit picking too much. Make her stop and compliment him on something EVERY time she does it, she will get so sick of complimenting him she will stop.

By the way I have 7 and 9 yr olds myself, both girls, and I have enforced these rules myself. My oldest has been doing the same thing lately and it is driving me crazy, she does not talk about her appearance though, but she does feel the need to correct every thing that comes out of her sisters mouth. I have laid down the law on this and told her she is to let her sister talk and make statements and that I am the only one allowed to correct them, and if she did not stop I would do it to her each and every time she spoke. She does not do it out of meaness though, she is a very nice sister, just feels the need to be the boss of her I guess. She has really been working on it and only does it a couple times a day now. I have never used the tally mark method for these statements because she has stopped from a strong talking to, but it is very effective tool in the mornings when getting ready for school, every time I have to ask more than twice they get a mark, I do not have to yell I simply make a mark and time is served as soon as we get home from school even if it fills up all their free time before homework, bath etc.

On another note why not just talk to the dad about how she is treated from these older kids while she is there?

Answer 3

You need to let her know that in life all you have is your family.  And that sometimes families are critical on each other and sometimes they are less critical of each others actions.  People are going to do what THEY want to do and there is no changing that.  But just because someone who is an older sibling of hers treats her like that doesn't mean she should treat him that way  too.  Encourage her to be her own person and supportive of all of her siblings, half siblings, step brothers & sisters etc. Ask her if she likes to be treated that way by them, and she'll probably will say no.  Encourage her to be there for her brother in other ways, like help with homework or lend a book that she read when she was his age to him to see if he likes it.  Basically teach her that they need to be there for each other, instead of tell each other what to do, how to act, how to dress

Answer 4

It sounds like she needs a good spanking of 4-9 hard swats on her butt with your hand.  That will make her understand that her behavior will NOT be tolerated, and if you are consistent she will soon stop harassing her brother.

Answer 5

What's going on is a lack of parenting on your part. Yes, this is YOUR fault. As a child she is only doing one/or both of two things.

1. What she is allowed to do.

2. What she sees YOU do.

Without correcting her sternly, you are allowing this behavior to manifest itself into a serious problem. Either control your kids or hey are going to control you.

Edit: Apparently your tactics have not worked, and are not going to work, so you have to change them up. I believe whole heartily that corporal punishment mixed with all the other things will 9 times out of 10 straighten a kid out. You can't care how a child feels when they are violating the rules of the home. It's up to you to be the authority in the home, and if she's not accepting of that, FORCE it down her throat.

Answer 6

ok, first of all, sternly reprimanding her won't get you anywhere, she'll probably just do it when u're not around... especially if her behavior has an emotional source. And just for the record, i don't agree that this is your fault. I find that siblings have relationships between themselves that we parents can see but we can't always interfere.

I suggest you watch your son's behaviour, Is he annoyed by the criticisms? does he listen to her? do they play together otherwise and laugh and have fun? If yes, than maybe you shouldn't worry too much and consider it to be a phase.

Also, take into consideration two things:

- ur daughter's criticism can be her way of showing that she cares, and you just need to guide her towards another way of showing her love.

- in the midst of many brothers and sisters, as I can tell from ur question, this might be something that ur daughter does to get your attention. Kids will do anything, even if that will get them into trouble, to get the parents attention. So maybe you could try to ignore the behavior (if it's aimed at getting ur attention, expect it to get worse at first) and find a way of rewarding the positive things they do together.

Remember that it takes two to make a relationship, and ask yourself what's your son's part in all this.

Punishing should come only if she's obviously hurting her brother with what she's saying. Otherwise, my advice would be, just step back and watch the whole situation, not just your daughter.

And don't blame yourself.

Answer 7

Perhaps the daughter is following an example she has learned from her parent. Kids learn by example.  

Answer 8

She needs to be punished when she makes these rude comments!!!

Why aren't you punishing her!!!??!!!!   She could seriously be hurting her brother with her constant rude comments!!!

Why??? Her parents are divorced, which broke up her family.  She's got a step dad and step brother at her mom's house, then she's got a step mom and step siblings are her dad's house, she and her brother are sent back and forth, and as she says, no one watches them at her dad's house.  Hmmmm......does it sound chaotic to you??!!!!!!!