How can I get my family to stop being so neurotic about my grandfather?

Question

Whenever I visit them, both my parents, who are elderly now, and my aunt keep telling me all about what a bad person my grandfather was, even though he's been dead for fifteen years! It's started to depress me seriously. They're so neurotic they would get mad if I said my baby niece resembles him a bit. My half brother would also get mad if I said that. I know he was a mean and rotten father to all his children, but he was actually a fairly decent grandfather, though distant. I just want to know the best way to tell them to stop telling me this stuff that depresses me. I'm a good listener but I feel like I'm always being dumped on.

He did important work that saved peoples lives, but they rarely talk about that, just that he was a role model of "success" we should try to follow, except to be completely opposite. When my grandmother was alive, although she divorced him, she would go on and on about how I should try to be just like him by locking myself in a room and studying all the time. I'm like, nearly fourty and I'm still getting these twisted and contradicting messages. Arrrrgh!!

Answer 1

You might tell them that the past is the past and that from now on you are only interested in discussing the present and the future.  (My family likes to "rehash the past" and it always ends very badly and no one really benefits from it.  Good luck.  

Answer 2

When they try to start the talk about your grandfather change the subject.  Challenge them to a game of Scrabble.  Go outside and take a walk.  Anything within the scope of semi polite will do the trick.  They will soon figure out they need to pick a different subject than your grandfather for conversation when you are present.

Answer 3

Your parents, and aunt are living in the past.  Unfortunately that's what they have at their age.  It's sad that the memories are bad.  I can relate.  It's hard to get over.  

you may be able to help.  When they begin talking about your grandfather just let them know that you appreciate and sympathized with what they had to endure but you never had to.  But what they are doing is equivalent to what he did to them.  Tell them that you would prefer to remember the few good things   Ask them to refrain from any negative talk when you are around.  

If you say it to them kindly, they may get the picture and stop.  However, elderly seem to have a mind of their own and feel that they have earned the right to complain about anything or anyone.  My grandmother was that way to the day she died.  And yes, its frustrating.  

Wish you much success in your attempts to help your parents.  :-)

Answer 4

You said he was a mean and rotten father. They grew up with that and are still suffering from the effects. Just because he was a fairly decent grandfather doesnt change the fact he was a mean rotten father. You cannot change these people nor their experience. My suggestion to you, if you cannot deal with their attitude, is to distance yourself from them.