How can I get my fiance to contribute? (10 points for best answer...Long)?

Question

My FH helps with the planning, and is constantly telling me how much he looks forward to our wedding, and me being his wife. We're getting married in about thirteen months. He had some financial set backs:

The company he worked for went out of business and it took him a month to get on with a knew corporation as our area has few job opportunities.

He had car trouble that took a good chunk of money.

He has student loans he is paying back, and is almost through with paying.

He bought me a car (not brand new, but very nice).

etc.

Because of these sets backs, he has yet to save any money for the wedding. He promises he'll have his half ($3,000), and told me in the beginning of our engagement to come with him to have money taken form his account to put into our wedding savings. Hasn't been done, and he told me today the more I ask the less he wants to do it (not the wedding, but the savings). He told me to keep after him about it, now he isn't. He told me I don't trust him. I know he has

Answer 1

It's clear he doesn't want to pay.  The ball is in your court.  How do you feel about it.  Is it acceptable?  If it is, you either foot the whole bill forthe wedding you planned or you scale it down.  If it's not acceptable, then what do you do about it?  Do you cancel the wedding?  the relationship?

Maybe it's time to take a hard look at this relationship and this guy.  Making promises and not keeping them is not a good thing.  Agreeing to a wedding that you don't agree with is not a good thing.

Regardless, you need to start to calmly and coolly talking to him.  Perhaps pre-marital counseling would help you both understand the other.

Since many marriages fail because of communication and/or money issues, and you have both, you are in a fairly bad place right now.

Answer 2

Most men generally dragged their feet about wedding stuff., they generally leave most of the planning up to us. Then there are men who are really into it.

From my experience from brothers, father & my husband; men hate to be asked the same questions over and over again. They hate to feel pressured. Especially from their chic & momma's...It's either on or two things.(maybe 2)..He really is stress out & is wondering how and where the money is going to come from...or there is a small possibility he's not ready...sorry to be the bearer of bad news; but perhaps he's not;it's too much going on with him. He may love you that much; where he doesn't want to enter a union when his money isn't how he wants it to be. Can you sit down and have a heart to heart and ask how he really feels? Otherwise, money will come between you both before you walk down the aisle. I honestly wish you the best.,

Answer 3

I know it is very tough for you right now.  His financial constraints are also not his fault.  If he is tired of you asking, then do not ask him about it anymore.  He will find ways to come up with his share before the wedding.  For the time being, continue to contribute your part, set aside some extra without his knowledge just in case you will need it.  When the time almost comes, then, bring up the topic again, not to demand it from him, but to let him know how much you have saved.  IF by then, he does not have any intention to contribute any longer, then go for a smaller budget wedding.  Cut down on whatever you feel you can do without.  But, honestly, I think he will come up with the money, it may be of smaller amount.  Just remember, to save up extra.  Cheers!

Answer 4

If the two of you can't come up with some sort of saving plan for your wedding, you have bigger problems ahead of you.

In any case, if the two of you can't agree on finances now (before the wedding) you should seriously reconsider taking this step.

Edit:  WHAT???!!! He wants to save for a house and you want to save for a wedding.  I think he's the one that has the right idea!  Get your priorities straight girl!  Stop bugging him!

Answer 5

Boy, you've got a bad one here hon. I'm going to give you an answer, but this going to come from a slightly different angle than you're expecting, so bear with me.

First off, let me make clear the following: I'm a male, I've been married (and divorced), and I've got a psychology degree. With that in mind, here goes.

Your fella is freaked right now. He's obviously in love with you, but he's in a bad financial spot and he knows it. I can guarantee he's not trying to brush you off about this; this is in the back of his mind all the time right now and it's eating him alive. This is why he's so touchy about you bringing it up.

See, by the sounds of it, you've got a slightly old-fashioned guy here (evidenced by the fact that he bought you a car). I myself am much like this, so I'm speaking from an understanding viewpoint here. He wants to be "the man"; that is, he wants to take care of you, to be alpha. Unfortunately, due to your current circumstances, he's in a c**p position to do so (not his fault, I might add).

Internally, he's frantically trying to find a solution to this without involving you. No, this isn't because he doesn't trust you or want your participation, it's because he believes he should be able to, that it's his responsibility, and to be unable to will somehow make him less of a man. Each time you bring this up at this point is functionally calling attention to his inability to fix this problem.

Understand, this isn't a rational stance, it's a male pride thing. On the plus side, it's because he cares so much about looking good in your eyes that he's so freaked out.

So, let's address this rationally. 13 months is a long time, and three grand isn't a huge amount of money. He obviously has a degree (student loans), so his earning potential is better. With that having been said, what's the next step?

Right now, he's afraid you're going to think less of him, and, instead of feeling like this is a team thing, he feels like he "owes" this to you, or that he has something to prove. This is bad. What you need to do, before you can get a resolution to the issue, is to get back on the same side.

Show understanding and compassion about your situation. Don't stay on top of him, not yet. I know he asked you to, that's beside the point. Men will say that to show their willingness and commitment, but in practice, your rubbing salt in a wound. Help him to feel like this is no big deal, that you're confident in him, and that you're there for him if he needs anything from you. Defer on this. At this point, he knows how much this counts for. He's not going to f- this up. Make it clear that you believe in him, that you're not worried. It sounds like your major unexpected financial draws are over now; he's got time to focus on this now.

He bought you a car. He's marrying you. He's juggling a lot of unexpected BS. Men can get resentful if they feel like all they ARE doing is being ignored in favor of one single thing. Tell him how much you love him. How much your getting married to him means to you. DON'T make it about the wedding. Make it about you two in love. Make him feel appreciated, like he's a big man and can do anything. That vote of confidence from the woman he loves will be enough to put him on the path. If this problem's still here in 6 months (it won't be), start to worry. Right now, worry about the fact that the man you're marrying is feeling scared, alone, insufficient, and under pressure. You'll accomplish a lot more unified. He doesn't need reminding, he needs support. He needs you.

Trust me on this. Most people pay 115 bucks an hour for these dozen paragraphs.

Answer 6

I would suggest you talk to him about it one last time and one time only. Sit down with him and tell him that you trust that he will save the money on his own and will not bother him about it again. Then DON'T! My fiance' and I had a bit of trouble with this because I don't feel like he's saving anything. So, I told him one day, "I trust that you will come through and that our wedding is important to you." Then I dropped it. Since then he has been saving on his own. It's much easier to do something when someone isn't bugging you about it. Have fun planning, congrats on the upcoming wedding, and trust that he will stick by his word- you're marrying him for a reason!

Answer 7

You wrote:  I can't seem to get him to contribute.

Ordinarily my advice would be:  If he doesn't contribute, do NOT marry him.  As a responsible adult, he should be contributing.  A bride or a groom who does not contribute to the expenses of her/his own wedding . . . well, that person would not be a good partner for life.

But . . .

It does sounds like you two have taken some hard hits lately financially.  Perhaps you should consider postponing this wedding . . . just until you recover financially a bit?

So I suggest you two postpone the date.  Then save up the money together.

IF fiance still won't contribute to savings after a postponement?  Then dump him.  Find a mature, responsible man . . . . one who wants to marry you and who is more than happy to contribute to his own wedding.

Answer 8

Luminous hit the nail on the head.  

I have an "alpha" husband...and you can't nag him.  I suggest you help him realize that saving money for the wedding is really his idea.  Tell him you need him take control of the wedding plans (or at least the parts you don't mind him taking over ; ) because you need him to be your hero. When he sees what it takes, and if he really wants to marry you, he'll start saving.

Most men just want to be the hero, not a failure.

Answer 9

Wow, this is a sticky wicket. If he's just not doing it because he's lazy or selfish, then you probably wouldn't be marrying him in the first place. If there's an actual reason behind it, the only way to find that out is to ask. Maybe he feels uncomfortable saving $6,000 for a wedding when what he really wants is the security of a down payment on the house. Maybe he feels like it's unfair that it's split right down the middle since he's spent time out of work and racking up bills. Maybe it's something else completely, but the only way to find out the answer and fix it is to talk to him. I'd let him know, though, that if when it's time to have the wedding, and it's only your money in the bank account, that you will be having one mighty fine vacation with a girlfriend.

Answer 10

WTF? He wants to start saving for a house but you want to get a good start on the wedding first? And you are bugging him about it? And you are still planning on the same scale of wedding even though BOTH of you have had problems keeping employment?

Scale back your wedding plans to something simple and affordable or postpone the wedding.

ETA: I did not say your employment losses were your fault -- I said you had both had trouble with it lately. Don`t assume I am insulting you. Geez.

I AM saying that since neither of you HAS had steady income you CANNOT realistically believe you can have a $6000 .00 wedding. The fact is you do not have $6000.00.

Plus this whole Your Half/My Half thing is not a very good marriage attitude. It makes me think you really want a roommate. Are you going to go halvzies on the rent/mortgage and utilities/insurance when you are married too? Why not forget bugging him about his half and start working on a shared vision of what your wedding can be with a budget you can really afford.

Get on the same page about your financial goals. See what options you have for doing your wedding on a smaller scale and saving money here and there. You honestly do not HAVE to have expensive favors or 400 guests or a designer gown.  You will still be married without these things.

Unbelievable.  Be happy you have a future husband who wants a FUTURE with you in the form of saving for a house rather than a big party on one day.