How can I get my mom to apologize to me for Allowing me to be abused for years by my brother?

Question

My mom let my older brother beat the living h**l out of me for about 20 years. There were times he was so bad I thought I was literally going to die by his hands. He threatened to stab me to death... he was a pure MONSTER!!

My mom let him throw me out of the house in the middle of the night so many times and I had no where to go. For years he would call me a w.h**e and a "B". She always stuck up for him and never treated me good. Whenever I would call the police on him she would call me horrible names and stick up for him. She always said it was my fault and that I provoked him to be like that.

I hated him for so long. He died about 5 years ago from MRSA complications.

Now she goes around bragging about him all the time, about what a wonderful man he was when he was alive, and how he treated people so good.

How do I get my mom to acknowledge that she let me brother abuse me and nearly caused me to commit suicide because I couldn't take the abuse?

Answer 1

Counseling. It sounds like your mom is trying to "glorify" your brother because he's not passed. But that is entirely unfair. You may not be able to openly talk about it with her. She may even have issues in her heart of hearts because she knows it was wrong. I think you should take the situation to a neutral forum where you can both be helped. You shouldn't just get an apology. Both of you should come together to repair that part of your past and to move forward. You never know the entire situation from her perspective unless she feels comfortable. You need a mediator the situation and professional help to heal old wounds.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and faced terrible tragedy...The answer will come to you.  

Answer 2

You can't.  Your mother had 20 years of watching him to wise up and see him for what he really was, and she refused to do so. She's certainly not going to start, now.

For some reason, your mother has  invested a tremendous amount of time and energy into a completely false image of her son.  Her view of him and the way he actually was are so different that it's as if she made up a fictional son, and saw and heard that one, instead of the real nut job in front of her.  Now, she is busy keeping her fantasy alive.  In short, without meaning to sound disrespectful to your mother, I think she's mentally ill, and always has been.  

If your brother abused you so badly all those years, weren't there marks you could show a guidance counselor or nurse at school? Also, after you were 18, did you press charges against him, as an adult?

As frustrating and unfair as it is, the fact is that sometimes there is no justice in life.  People don't always see the light.  If this world were just, your mother would wake up tomorrow and say, "Honey, I see now that your brother was a monster.  I'm sorry I let him abuse you.  I'm sorry I didn't protect you.  I'm so sorry your life was so miserable all those years, and I want to make it up to you, by being a real mother to you, now", but you and I know that's not gonna happen.  If you spend the rest of your life waiting to hear those words, you'll die waiting.

The only person you can change is you.  You've already had a good chunk of your life unfairly taken away by abuse.  Don't waste another minute of the time you've got left waiting for the sobbing apology that is never going to come.  You've got your life in front of you to enjoy.  Your mom has chosen to live out her days in a mausoleum of false memories.  Don't get caught up in it.  

By all means, tell your mom that if she wants to indulge in her false memory, go ahead, but you know the truth and you are not going to go along with her.  Don't let her pull the "you asked for it" routine.  Be firm about telling her that no one asks for that sort of abuse, or deserves to be treated like that.  If she wants to live a lie, she's on her own.

I agree with a previous poster that counseling would help.  Make some calls to find inexpensive counseling for abuse victims.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry so much horrible stuff happened to you, and I wish you happiness and peace in your future life.

Answer 3

your story is riveting.  i am sorry for what you experienced.  i don't mean to try to analyze but it sounds like your brother may possibly stood in as a substitute for your father.  she may have idealized him and then projected that onto your brother and somehow or another she viewed you as the source of all her problems and therefore stood by and allowed this terrible abuse to take place.  

if you have talked to your mother from the heart and have expressed to her the hurt and the pain and suffering that you have gone through and she refuses to acknowledge and apologize, unfortunately, that doesn't seem like something that is going to happen.  some people are so set in their ways and obstinate that they won't change or even humble themselves and acknowledge the wrongdoing.  in that case, you should accept that and endeavor to move on with your life.  what you can do so that you can get closure for yourself, or at least start on the road to that, write your mother a letter.  let her know how deeply this has hurt you and how it has made you feel.  if she refuses to acknowledge or apologize, let it go.  and get yourself some good therapy and endeavor to build yourself up.  

we can't change people, just the way we deal with them.  forgive, as hard as it seems.  i somehow feel that your mother is not a happy person.  just because she still gushes over your now deceased brother, that doesn't mean a thing.  she is and has always been in denial.  move on with your life and endeavor to be the best you can be.  maybe you can be of some help to someone who is in your position.  that will help you to heal as well.   i wish you all the very best

Answer 4

I am sorry to hear of your story. You may want to consider family counseling. You need to take your stand, and not let this glorification go on for the rest of your life, it is as if he is haunting you from beyond the grave. Assert and get counseling...

Good luck.

Answer 5

I'm sorry you had to go through this.You can't make her apologize so you should sit her down and tell her how you feel and if she doesn't think you are right you should leave her alone and get away from there.

Answer 6

I think I would sit down and write her a letter .  However it sounds like she was scared of him too which is no excuse but makes it eaiser to understand.  She brags about him cause she doesnt want to remember the bad times.  You need to let her know it still bothers you.  I have been in your situation and I am in y 40's.  My brother is so mean to me.  I just  stay  away if I know he will   be there.  Ask your mo why she let it go  on.  Maybe he was abusin her too.It wasnt your fault.  People maake their own desions..    

Answer 7

Let me just say good for you for getting away from that animal, he can't hurt you anymore. I also had a older brother that beat me for 15 years or so until he ranaway. In our house it was 'okay' for my older brother to 'pick' on me. since i'm just a girl. He did everything short of rape. Your mother sounds like a mental case and i doubt she'll ever except you. If your living with her try to get out and forget her. Just move on with your life and don't even contact her. After a few years she might realize that she lost a daught as well as a son. Don't ask her to apologize now, but try again in a few years. I'm so happy you survived this abuse.

Answer 8

first off that's so sad

you should tell your mom to stop

and say you feel u have like him better and that he treated you bad

and that your mom just let him and stood there

Answer 9

if i were you i would confront her.... depending on how she responded i would do what i had to do. (never speak to her again.)

Answer 10

It sounds like your mother will not acknowledge the abuse your brother inflicted on you. She is in serious denial and it sounds like she has no desire to overcome it. Your best path for healing is to join a support group for abuse survivors. There are probably other people in these groups who will never get apologies from those who enabled abuse. It sounds like your mother is a toxic personality and you may want to consider cutting all ties with her. This can actually be a healthy mentality that can help you with moving on in your life. Unfortunately, the apology you want will likely never come.  

Answer 11

unfortunately, she probably won't acknowledge this.  have you talked to a counselor to get over the hurt and anger you're feeling?