How can I get my new husband to get along with my daughter?

Question

I recently married a new man, and my daughter was extremely hostile and nasty to him even when he tried his utmost best to befriend her. If he ever spoke to her, she'd ignore him, she'd move across the room if he sat next to her, once he brought her back a Happy Meal and she turned and fed it to the dog! The worst was when I was scolding her once, and he came up and defended her--she told him to shut up and mind his own business!

I had a good sit down with her, and she decided to change--and here is where the problem starts. Now when SHE says something to him, he snaps "Shut up!" or if she wants to go with him, he'll say "Nope, I'm not your dad!" Once she brought him flowers, and he said "What do I look like? A florist?" and tossed them in the trash, causing her to burst into tears.

I understand his anger at the nasty way she treated him, but is it really necessary to return the same treatment back? How to I put a stop to all of this and make some kind of truce?

Answer 1

wow! and he's supposed to be the grown up here...hmmm

Answer 2

First of all how old is your daughter?

And second of all this should have been a big clue that you should not have gotten married yet. your daughter needed some counseling to deal with things. Is her real dad involved in her life? Her actions are out of line no question about it, but here is the thing. Parents move people in and out of their kids lives and just expect them to deal with it. From a child's point of view this is the same as if someone just moved in your house and you have to deal with it.

He sounds like a typical step parent (at least in my own experience) he is forgetting who is the adult and who is the child. Half the time mine acted more childish about things than I did.

Bottom line your daughter should not have behaved that way but it is clear to me he is not cut out for being a parent, one month is not long to expect a child to be OK with someone marrying their mom. I would actually tell him to straighten up or he needs to move out. Your daughter should come first. Also keep on her for her behavior, but everyone deserves a second chance, especially a child.

Answer 3

you need to have a talk with him. i understand why he is mad, but she is a little girl and he is grown so he cant do that. that's childish and he has to understand alot of children will do the same thing. because he is new and she is probably use to what ever you were doing before you got with him

Answer 4

OKAY..sounds like a good sit down with him is in order..you need to talk about why he's being so ugly all of the sudden..your daughter is a CHILD and he needs to be a MAN and treat her better...

Answer 5

Can you say annulment?

After that wait another 6 years to start dating, your daughter needs YOU, not a dad.

Answer 6

tell him to act like an adult and then use your sexual power over him to get him to do what you want. Besides i think your daughter deserves it he should be nice to her since he is doing her mom.

oh yeah and saying utmost best is like saying best best or utmost utmost.-they mean the same thing just use one or the other.

Answer 7

This is why.......  As a guy we are used to thinking we are in control (whether we are or not). When ur new guy has started out he had the best of intentions, but because of your daughter not coming to terms with it easily she has pushed him away, and he has built up a resentment/ dislike to your daughter (well, he doesn't need her around).   Solution will come slower, give them space, DO NOT FORCE THEM TO BE NEAR EACH OTHER or to resolve this quickly....   let activites and life in general force them to talk and individually tell them what you want (them to get along) and that you are not going to force them but that its some thing you would love...

good luck!

Answer 8

Um, is your husband 10?  I deal with kids doing that sort of retaliatory c**p all the time and the bottom line is that your husband is acting like a child.

Start slow, talk to your husband and ask him to make a gesture, coerce him in any way you can.  The gesture could be as simple as announcing a surprise family outing to McDonalds.  Have them sit accross from one another and you supervise.  If either one crosses the line into nastiness, remind them thley are here to get to know one another.  Don't let either one storm out on the other.  If the meeting gets too tense, leave and try again in a day or so.

You didn't mention the age of your daughter.  Younger girls are easier to get to accept the new father.  Teenagers are going to be tougher.  

Other factors are, where is the biological father?  If you are divorced, the child may be angry at you and projecting it at the man.  You are, in her mind, trying to replace daddy.  If you husband died (and I am sorry if he did.)  then the child may accept it a little more easily, but not necessarily.

Somehow, somewhere the two HAVE to communicate or nothing will get better.  BOTH have to act mature.

Answer 9

tell him to be an adult.

as for your kid, she's experiancing trouble accepting him. it's normal. it'll all work out.

Answer 10

I would say to tell her that you and your husband are going some where cool for the whole day, some where like hershey park, or her favorite place.  then you get "sick" and can't go, but you did spend "alot" of money on those tickets, so you just COULD NOT waste them so they can go alone.

Answer 11

Tell him that he needs to get along with your daughter or you two can't be together because it will be a bad family life if your husband and your daughter is steady arguing. Tell him that your daughter has decided to change and he need to forgive and forget and if he don't, divorce him and kick him out. Then sit your daughter and him down and make them talk about it.

Answer 12

He needs to stop holding a grudge. This will not only affect your relationship with your daughter because at some point she will blame you for allowing him to treat her that way.... but it can also destroy a marriage. You will feel torn between the two of them.

Talk to him. Tell him what you have said here.

Show him this question and then the answers if you have to.

Answer 13

talk to him and tell him that she has changed and that he can see that. that she was just upset before because of whatever reason and that he should start being nice to her again. she is your daughter after all. plus she is trying to be nice to him even though she probably doesnt want to. he should be happy about that!

Answer 14

Be straight forward and tell him, you know your daughter was wrong and so does your daughter and that she has changed her ways and is trying to be a friend to him...Then tell him to GROW-UP It's tough setteling into a new family but you keep trying and work your way in a little at a time, doen't freeze up and act like a idiot.

Answer 15

That is not good. Did his behavior change once you were married? If so he may have been trying to make a good show till the deal was done and now he is showing his treu nature. Kids are very perceptive-perhaps she was trying to tell you something before you married him. The best you can hope for now is that they will learn to tolerate each other.

Answer 16

wow-sounds like you have a big child on your hands...he is supposed to be the adult,yet he's childishly hanging on to bitterness over the way she treated him...what a loser! sorry,but my husband has NEVER  treated my son(his stepson) this way- & shame on you for not putting a stop to this before now. your child acting that way is understandable,his behaviour is unacceptable!

Answer 17

maybe your daughter should write him a note then stick it somewhere in his closet room anything here is something that she could write......or things she could add to her writing..

" Dear ( New husband name) ,

I'm sorry I said though disrespectful words. I just wasn't used to having a new father. You treated me so like a real daughter at first ,but I just didn't care. So I just want you to know that I love you ,and I'm trying to change as much as possible so that you would except me as your step- daughter. Please stop being angry at me. I know that I said though mean words ,but I didn't mean to. I was just mad at that moment and just said stupid things.  



Love (daughter name)





I think your daughter should write him a note or tell him it. He shouldn't be acting like this he's just being exactly like the way she way before. I hope this works!