How can I get over being jealous of when my fiance goes out with female friends?

Question

The thing is, I'm only about 1% afraid that my fiance is going to cheat on me. 99% of my jealousy stems from the fact that he is spending time with a woman that is not me. If it were one of his guy friends, I wouldn't even be fazed.

We are getting married soon, so I flew across country on Thursday to our wedding location so I can tie up loose ends. He's not flying down to join me at the location until this Wednesday.

I guess he got lonely because he called me a few minutes ago and said he was going to see a movie. We made small talk a few minutes, then he said he was actually seeing the movie with one of his female friends.

I appreciated the call, but I felt threatened and jealous like she took my place. A little voice in my head whispered, "She's prettier, thinner, more creative (I'm a teacher, she's a clothing designer) than you. No wonder he wants to spend time with her."

In fiance's defense, he rarely spends time with other females, especially independent of me when I'm in town.

How can i get over these insecurities? I don't want to push my fiance away and become an insane, jealous freak. And if some of you think I'm already there, I want to change.

Answer 1

It sounds like you've got a solid relationship with your fiance and the only real enemy you have is in your head lol.



1. Remind yourself that you are the one your fiance has chosen to spend the rest of his life with.  Sure there will always be a prettier woman but you're the one who has his heart.  If he didn't think you were beautiful, s**y or an amazing woman -- he wouldn't be with you.    

2. Your fiance is trustworthy.  He loves and respects you.  He wouldn't do anything to jeopardize his relationship with you.  

3. This woman has not taken your place.  They're going to the movies -- not walking down the aisle to get married.  Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.  

Answer 2

If he were cheating on you, he wouldn't be telling you that he's going out with a female. Most men will lie when they cheat. Don't worry too much about it. Look ahead to your wedding because that will be the biggest and most wonderful day of your life. Don't let your insecurities take the best of you...it will only make you miserable and paranoid 24/7. Congrats by the way!

Answer 3

Gosh, you are a lot more tolerant than I am.  I would never tolerate a man doing that to me.  Going out with a woman friend to the movies could mean to dinner after and ending up in bed.

Answer 4

Just tell yourself that you know nothing will happen, that he loves you, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

It's rather normal for people to be jealous... and insecure. Just don't over do it, don't accuse him of anything. Talk to him about your insecurities.

Answer 5

I think your behaviour is normal actually.  I would be the same.  I don't think he's cheating as if he was he wouldn't be likely to openly admit he's seeing a movie with his female friend, he would be trying to hide it & wouldn't be calling you beforehand.

As you are getting married soon, won't that mean the problem is resolved & you will be together without this woman in the picture?

Also I tend to be honest with my partners if I'm jealous.  I would just say I know it's silly but I felt jealous when you said you were going to the movie with blahblah.  I know you aren't doing anything with her & you're only friends but I still felt jealous & sad.  (Don't say it in an angry or catty way, just say it matter of fact).  When I've done this they seem to feel kind of touched by it, like you love them to be feeling that way & they compliment you & say you're the only one for me or something like that.  I've never had them react in an angry way.  

Answer 6

1.  if he tells you when he's going out with them--don't worry.  You never want him lying to you about seeing them.  That's your clue that something is wrong.

2.  if you never socialize with these women, why?  You should be befriending them as well, just like if they were guys.  It's alright to have opposite s*x friends, but everything needs to be above board and no secrets about the friends.

3.  Once you know these women, I don't think you'll have the insecure voice whispering in your ear.  If it does then you need to remind yourself that you are the one he's engaged to.

4.  If you can't quiet that inner voice or if you find that you just can't trust him then DO NOT MARRY HIM.  Forbidding him to see his friends will only take his friendships underground and then the secrecy will lead to the situations that you fear and are trying to avoid.  Marrying someone you don't trust is just setting yourself up for fights and heartache and your worst fears coming true and then divorce.

FWIW:  you don't want to lose your jealousy, you want to control it.  You need to learn to recognize when the jealousy is reasonable and when it is unwarranted.  

Reasonable jealousy comes from the outside.  it's a situation or a person that is setting off your internal warning system telling you that there is something wrong.  

Unwarranted jealousy comes from within and plays off your personal insecurities and has no external factors that have set off your alarms.

Answer 7

Maybe all of his guy friends are busy tonight. Relax. Tell the little voice inside your head to shut up. If you were in the same city, then he would more than likely be spending time with you. But even after you're married, you shouldn't stop him from seeing his friends - no matter what their gender. But at least then you can go with him sometimes.  

Answer 8

I do appreciate that you recognize that it is your problem and not his.  

My suggestion is to STOP comparing yourself negatively to others.  Stop running stuff through your mind about the threat of this other woman.  Think of positive things instead.  I also think Zebra had some good tips as well.

My guy probably has similar issues, I just hadn't thought about it. He was cheated on by two of his ex-wives.  Most of my friends are male because of the types of hobbies I have had seems to mostly attract men.  I don't know any women, except my mom and sister, for instance, who will go to a horror movie with me.  My guy doesn't like them either. Fortunately, I have several other guy friends who love to go to them and their wives don't care so long as they don't have to go.  Of course, I'm older, so it's probably less of an issue since if I wasn't running around with these guys before marriage in anything other than a friendship thing, I'm not likely to be doing so after marriage.

Answer 9

As a man myself, I would say that it's not really a right thing to do, sure a lot of people will say it's ok, just friends but the fact is when a soon to be married man goes out together with another woman for a movie alone, that is indeed a bit worrying. Worst if the other woman is as attractive as you have described because honestly, men will easily get seduced by attractive woman.

However, we all do not know your husband, it's you who knows best is he the type of men whom you can fully trust, if yes then maybe there isn't much to worry about. This is what outsiders cannot see. It is not easy to completely get over the jealousy unless you do a mild confrontation to get you a peace of mind, tell him that you don't feel comfortable when he is with another woman in a sweet and seductive way or wait till you forget about the whole thing. The last thing you wanna do is to show your tigress side and make a fuss out of it.  

I myself do not go out with other woman alone because temptations can be irresistable. Let's not cheat ourselves and say we definately will not fall for another person, we are human beings after all.

Answer 10

I was so worried about my new guy cheating cause it's what i am used to i am sure you have guy friends so you can't forbid him to hang out with them try asking if you can go with once in a while once you meet all the females he is hanging out with hopefully you will be less worried. good luck with everything.

Answer 11

So he's dating another woman and thinks it's ok if he calls it "hanging out with a friend"? Uh huh

Frankly, I wouldn't tolerate my man going on dates (to the movies) with other woman. Is that ok after he's married, too???

Answer 12

If he has you and female friends then he shouldnt be going out with them alone...you will be his wife and need to be included in his social life

Answer 13

Well, first of all, I am unclear why he is going out with females without you around. My FI has lots of female friends and most of the time I join them going out, but sometimes he spends time with one when he is out of town on business...It doesn't bother me because she is married and I completely trust him. He spends the night at this friend's house and her husband is also his friend.

I guess it would depend on the situation. I really am just not that jealous of his female friends because I know all of them and they know me.

You have to reassure yourself that if he wanted to be with them, he would have been with them before he dated you. He is with you for a reason.

Answer 14

You should hang out with some of your friends when he's out with his. That way you won't be biting your nails waiting for him to call or what not. =]

Answer 15

     If you love your fiance than trust him. If you are 99% sure he is not cheating, trust your instincts.  When you start to have doubts, remind yourself he chose to marry you, why would he do that?  A man don,t usually ask the big question unless he wants to.  Trust is one of the most important parts of marriage.  Marriagerage is also a vary serious step.  Remember that vow es really do mean something.  Till death do I part. should be a very serious vow, make sure he feels the same as you do, and trust that what he says is what he fills!!!!!