How can I handle my relationship with my mother?

Question

My question is simple. But the problem isn't my childhood was complicated and anything but structured and child friendly. Let me say this to begin with I love some parts of my Mother. The other parts are undecided. I don't' take her motherly advice on my child and respect her every decision. She dropped me off here and there and with anyone. And now I'm trying mend our broken relationship. And is headed towards the deep end. I talk to her about her negativity and try and be there for her when her life gets screwed up and I get a slap in the face. I'm really all she has aside from her 3 brothers whom live miles away. Whats a good way to help this mess. Life is full of problems but this one never stops. It really hurst my marriage and I don't want my children to see this. Should I continue with her shenanigans or try and stop speaking to her for a while.

Answer 1

If I were you I would go to a therapist. She will help you in deciding what is best. But for now, I would keep distance with your mother.

Answer 2

There's not a lot of detail here, but it looks like you and your mother have a long history of baggage weighing you both down. There is a misconception that we have to love our parents unconditionally and as total people. We don't love anyone else like that--so why them? It doesn't help that we feel guilty for not being "good little boys and girls" to our moms and dads, no matter how screwed up they were when they raised us.

But these things might help. First, learn as much as you can about her as a person. Try to understand her. Why she did (and does) the things she did (and still does.) Were there mitigating circumstances in her life? Could she help acting the way she did? Was or is she impaired by drugs or alcohol? Is there some reason she has picked you as her "whipping post"? Are you just conveniently located close by, perhaps, or is she resentful of you for talents you have that she doesn't?

I'm not promising that knowing these things will make you more sympathetic, but it will probably get you to a place where you can make a more informed decision about your relationship with her. I stopped talking to my mother for the final four years of her life, because of her very deep bigotry--and her vocal outpouring of prejudice in front of my children. This was unacceptable to me. I had tried talking to her, to no avail--and she was unwilling to change. So I told her that I would not voluntarily be around her anymore, though she had access to my children and they to her--and I was polite but distant when she would call. It fractured my family to do this--but at the time I thought I had to for my own sanity. If I had it to do over again, I would not have done this. My children didn't notice my mom's bigoted comments. They only saw their grandma, and they saw their family being stubborn. (Me included here.) It was not a good idea to break off all contact like that for me--she had very deep fears about ethnic people--and she was ill physically, and her fears became bigger than they needed to be. I might have overlooked that for the rest of her good qualities, and taught my own children more tolerance in the process.

However, you have to weigh what is worse: the way your life is with your mother IN it, and the way your life will be without her in it. If your marriage and your children suffer because of her, I would say that being tolerant of her bad behavior is not a good example for them. Would you want them to suffer at the hands of someone like her when they get to be adults? Your compliant nature to your mother's abuse might be teaching them that it's okay to be a doormat.

On the other hand, if your mom is sick, or mentally ill, or has a substance abuse problem, you should be able to let her abuse roll off your back and chalk it up to the problems--and your kids and husband ought to support your side of things in this for your and their sakes. But again--do you want to be around someone who abuses you? Is that the healthiest environment for anyone?

There isn't a single answer here. You have to weigh one thing against the other. Many people cut off relations with one or both parents and live long, fine, uncomplicated and unguilty lives afterwards. You don't have to feel as if you have some obligation to make things better for her. It's up to HER to be a good person too--not just you.

She should face the consequences of her bad behavior just like anyone else. Trouble is, it's not up to you to teach her that--at least not directly. If you get away to save your own self and your own family, that's one thing--but if you cut off your contact to "teach" her a lesson, that won't work, and you're really no better than her. So you have to decide which you want to live with the rest of your life--and hers. Because if you decide to cut it off, you might never get a chance to mend that fence again (like I did.)

I'm sorry that I can't tell my mom I loved her anymore--but I can't beat myself up for this for the rest of my life, either. I did what I thought was the best thing to do at the time--which is all anyone can do.

Answer 3

See if she will see a therapist with you.