In 1998 my grandmother fell asleep and never woke up due to an anurism bursting in her head. Although she was 80 and had lived a very long life, her death upset me a great deal. A month after her death, my uncle, which was also her son, committed suicide. In that same year, a month after my uncle's suicide, my mother suddenly killed over dead from a massive heart attack. She was not just my mother, she was my very best friend. And at the time,she was everything to me. Her death hit me tremendously, and with it, a big part of my heart died as well. Now in 1996, two years before all of that, I suffered a serious near-fatal car accident, which was no one's fault but my own. I was told that i would never walk again, and had spent the past two years until 1998 in a wheelchair. My life was the pits. I kept watching everyone pass me by, getting new things such as clothes, cars, and all, while I had no money at all, and could not even afford to buy myself a 14.00 pair of Walmart jeans from 1994 to around 1997. I was severely mistreated and neglected by certain family and friends, and that mistreatment kept going even after my family tragedies. I was spit upon, and was cursed at, hit, and just severely abused while I could do nothing about it. Anyway, just before the deaths struck my family, I had had enough of the wheelchair lifestyle, and had went and convinced a doctor to do surgery and take out all the hardware from my legs. He reluctantly did it, and I slowly began my journey back to walk. Then those deaths struck, which set me back a little bit, but I pushed forward, through all the hurt and the pain and the embarassment of myself. I had also gained a lot of weight, and had gotten up to approximately 405 lbs. I was also severely mistreated by those same people and the whole neighborhood where I lived because of how much I weighed and how obese I had become. I had to battle that as well. Well, here I am, twelve years past the wreck that almost took my life, and ten years past the tragedy deaths of my grandma, uncle, and mother that took so much from my heart. Now I can walk, run, kick, do anything my heart's desired to do; And I now weigh about 235. My question is this: It has been ten years, and yet there are still times that I just break out in severe tears, thinking about my mother and grandmother and uncles passing. I thought that by now it would be much easier, yet right out in the open, all of a sudden, I will burst into tears. I am married now, and have many clothes, much electronics and computers, and even have a 2007 automobile. My wife is now my best friend and my love. So with all of this said, why do I still have these uncontrollable crying spells? I don't want to disrespect the memory of my family and never think about them, but there are times during these cries, that I just lose all my sense of being. Will this get any easier? Will the pains of the past abuse and neglect that was so afflicted on me ever go away? I am usually very happy now, so why can't I just stay that way? Would I be disrespecting the memory of my family by trying to learn to let go of the tragedy, and not let it enter me so hard at those times? I feel real guilty that I am even thinking this way, but I just want all of the deep pain and hurt to end. Please give me some input. My life now is so much better in ways than it was back then. I am happy about that; but I also feel guilty about being happy that it is, because I was so unhappy back when they were all alive. It wasn't that I had a bad upbringing, because I had a great one. it is just I had made myself so miserable back then, but now I have a good life, yet I feel guilty for feeling this way. As I am requesting, please send me some thoughts about this? I would love for all of this hurt to go away, and that I could let it go, but I have so not been able to let it all go yet. Thanks for listening.
Brian
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