Question:

How can I handle tragedies?

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In 1998 my grandmother fell asleep and never woke up due to an anurism bursting in her head. Although she was 80 and had lived a very long life, her death upset me a great deal. A month after her death, my uncle, which was also her son, committed suicide. In that same year, a month after my uncle's suicide, my mother suddenly killed over dead from a massive heart attack. She was not just my mother, she was my very best friend. And at the time,she was everything to me. Her death hit me tremendously, and with it, a big part of my heart died as well. Now in 1996, two years before all of that, I suffered a serious near-fatal car accident, which was no one's fault but my own. I was told that i would never walk again, and had spent the past two years until 1998 in a wheelchair. My life was the pits. I kept watching everyone pass me by, getting new things such as clothes, cars, and all, while I had no money at all, and could not even afford to buy myself a 14.00 pair of Walmart jeans from 1994 to around 1997. I was severely mistreated and neglected by certain family and friends, and that mistreatment kept going even after my family tragedies. I was spit upon, and was cursed at, hit, and just severely abused while I could do nothing about it. Anyway, just before the deaths struck my family, I had had enough of the wheelchair lifestyle, and had went and convinced a doctor to do surgery and take out all the hardware from my legs. He reluctantly did it, and I slowly began my journey back to walk. Then those deaths struck, which set me back a little bit, but I pushed forward, through all the hurt and the pain and the embarassment of myself. I had also gained a lot of weight, and had gotten up to approximately 405 lbs. I was also severely mistreated by those same people and the whole neighborhood where I lived because of how much I weighed and how obese I had become. I had to battle that as well. Well, here I am, twelve years past the wreck that almost took my life, and ten years past the tragedy deaths of my grandma, uncle, and mother that took so much from my heart. Now I can walk, run, kick, do anything my heart's desired to do; And I now weigh about 235. My question is this: It has been ten years, and yet there are still times that I just break out in severe tears, thinking about my mother and grandmother and uncles passing. I thought that by now it would be much easier, yet right out in the open, all of a sudden, I will burst into tears. I am married now, and have many clothes, much electronics and computers, and even have a 2007 automobile. My wife is now my best friend and my love. So with all of this said, why do I still have these uncontrollable crying spells? I don't want to disrespect the memory of my family and never think about them, but there are times during these cries, that I just lose all my sense of being. Will this get any easier? Will the pains of the past abuse and neglect that was so afflicted on me ever go away? I am usually very happy now, so why can't I just stay that way? Would I be disrespecting the memory of my family by trying to learn to let go of the tragedy, and not let it enter me so hard at those times? I feel real guilty that I am even thinking this way, but I just want all of the deep pain and hurt to end. Please give me some input. My life now is so much better in ways than it was back then. I am happy about that; but I also feel guilty about being happy that it is, because I was so unhappy back when they were all alive. It wasn't that I had a bad upbringing, because I had a great one. it is just I had made myself so miserable back then, but now I have a good life, yet I feel guilty for feeling this way. As I am requesting, please send me some thoughts about this? I would love for all of this hurt to go away, and that I could let it go, but I have so not been able to let it all go yet. Thanks for listening.

Brian

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  1. i can relate to this well my grandmother dies last yr 4 days before i had my daughter then this year while my uncle was visiting he got killed in a car accident. the thing is you cant feel guilty for achieving a better life than what you were living, if anything i would say your passing family members would be so proud of you for achieving all that you have done. they say time heals pain, i dont know if that is true but it doesnt hurt to have a good cry of your family members that you had lost. just remember they are always in your heart and the memory of them will never go. just be happy you have ahieved what you have done and be grateful for your life as it is now. best of luck


  2. Dear Brian;

    1st let me say what a wonderful man you are!

    To have all that happen!!  and you STILL overcame it!

    You have a loving wife.

    Lost the weight....and wow! moved on.

    I have to say you are a total success....BIG TIME!

    To now become well (in the heart area with your loss of family)

    I say to you, dear fellow...seek counselling.

    It is a wonderful tool, for anyone who has had so much pain in a life.

    I too have had help for great pains ....and it really brings you out the other end.

    Good Luck with all you do!

    YOUR REALLY  AMAZING  Brian.....    xoxo

  3. You should really have a psychatrist or counselor to talk to. Maybe you can help others through your experiences and pain. God is in control, confide in him as well. At least you have a supportive and wonderful wife, count your blessings!! You will always miss those you've lost, I have lost loved ones too, and try to remember, it's Gods plan not yours. Good Luck!!

  4. Brain,

    It is OK to cry still over the deaths of your family.  On the 1st of August 5 years ago my brother died, on the 30 of August my husband died. Within two years I had 2 more brothers and a sister to die and a sister in law that I loved.

    I still think of them.  Mostly I think of the wonderful memories I have of them the happy times.  I will still talk to my husband sometimes.  When I do something really stupid, I will say "well honey I did it again" or something like that.  Sometimes when I think about him tears will come into my eyes.  I am not ashamed.  I have let them all go except for the memories I have of all of them.

    You are happy and deserve to be happy.  Just let the past go and look toward the future.  The past is gone so let it go.  

  5. Well first off, you are totally entitled to your feelings. If you are ready to let go, then let go. Your relatives that died would want you to be happy! And as for your abusers, I know from personal experience how much that sucks, and how hard it is to get over. Same with deaths in the family. Sometimes people like that - both abusers and the deceased - never truly leave you, and you just have to learn to live with it.

    If I were you I'd get some therapy. There's nothing wrong with it! And it can really help you a lot to get an outside opinion, to get someone to put things into perspective for you. Congrats on your success now, and for now just try to focus on your wife and your new life!

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