How can I help my daughters get through this?

Question

My ex is breaking the #1 rule for divorced parents! I have learned that he and some of his family members have been confusing our daughters, ages 4 and 5 by telling them negative things about me and my boyfriend. He has told them " I don't like your mommy anymore".

"Your mommy and Jim are not my friends". "You don't have to listen to Jim when he tells you to put your toys away" My heart is breaking for my daughters. They are too young and impressionable for these types of statements. It's as though they feel they have to choose between their parents. When I tried confronting my ex and his mother, they both said they were only telling the truth to the girls and did not want to lie to them! Can you believe it? When I try to have further conversations about this, my ex just screams obscenities into the phone and hangs up. My focus is on my daughters and trying to keep them emotionally stable. I would appreciate any advice, expecially from someone who has been through this!

Answer 1

Here's what'd I do.

1. Don't give in to temptation and badmouth the ex to your girls.

2. When they tell that someone has said something hurtful/confusing to them simply reply "I'm sorry to hear that." Don't make a big deal out of it. If they see you aren't bothered by it then it will be easier for them to just brush it off (yes, I realize you will have to draw upon your acting skills to pretend you are not fazed by such things.)

3. Ask your girls- "When daddy (or g-ma or whoever) says these things, how did that make you feel?" And then calmly deal with their reply. Let them know their feelings are ok no matter what they are and that it is always okfor them to talk to you about anything.

Help them learn to handle their emotions in a healthy way. Getting your children to talk about their feelings is a good way to bond with them and to help teach them how to cope with life's difficulties.

If you are having trouble I suggest finding a book on this sort of topic or even better if you can afford it, see a counselor who specializes in family therapy. As far as trying to be civil and rational with the ex. Give it up for now. Sounds like there is too much anger there right now for him to even listen to you. Your priority is to see that he causes minimal damage to your children with his childish behavior.

Answer 2

I wont go into details its not necessary but it is the love me more syndrome, fathers me included did the same thing, it doesn't make it right and to be totally honest got me nothing but trouble I should not have done it and nor should he but there is a lot of jealousy involved why I was jealous who knows I left their mother but because she got on with her life I took exception to it but it will die out soon you just keep loving your children the way you always have and it will come good.

P S don't give up with the picking on him its for your children who cares if it upsets him and his mother