How can I help my family understand why they won't be invited to our wedding?

Question

I'm getting married December 20th and I wil only have my Dad and Stepmum as witnesses.I am not inviting my mother's side of the family for a number of reasons:

1. My partner is very shy, hates speaking in front of crowds (i.e vows) and I have a big family as does he, and he would feel uncomfortable with a lot of people there. I feel I should make him as at ease as poss on our wedding day.

2. My Mum and Dad divorced when I was 2, and throughout my whole life my Mum and her family and told me horrible, malicious things about my Dad that no daughter should ever know. For example: "your Dad's a cheater, he once slept with a prostitute and came home with crabs! Your Dad said he hates you, why do you even like him? One day I'm going to hospitalise your Dad then you won't be able to see him." They have also done things like smashed his windows and his and his new wifes house and slashed the tyres on his car.

I know that my mum's family are just very angry but they had no right to tell me the things I did from suh a young age, and I would therefore not feel comfortable having my mum's family and my dad's family in the same room. I would be too tense and too anxious that they would start a fight, and no girl should feel like that on their wedding day,. They have pretty much brought it upon themselves, and there is NO WAY they would put it aside just for a day - even if it was my wedding .

My other worry is the groom's family. They are nothing but sweet and kind but we will not be inviting them. My partner feels that if we invite them it will harder for my family to take the news that they weren't invited as opposed to not being invited with just 2 witnesses there. His family are not very traditional and I don't think it would bother them much I am just wondering how to explain this to them. My family are not the only reason we want a small wedding. We just want it to not be a big deal, we want it to be small and intimate and my partner does not want a lot of people there. We will be taking out my family and his family for a meal a week after the wedding and paying for them (I hope that this will ease the wound a little).

How do I explain this to both families.

Answer 1

Dr. Laura will most def be able to help you

[phone]

Answer 2

I can sympathise with your situation, my step-dad and my mother cannot bear to be in the same room, my sister hates my mother and i am stuck in the middle. My graduation was ruined my my parents, and now my partner and I have set the date for our wedding day, i would stick to your original plan, however i would invite the grooms parents though. Don't let yourself be bullied by your family, its your special day - not there's and there is not point in you risking your big day!

Answer 3

I know just how you feel about the family not being very nice. I am getting married in September and my father's side of the family is not invited for very similar reasons you stated above.

I don't speak to my dad anymore, so that part is pretty easy - I just didn't ask him to come. As far as your fiance's family, I would just go quietly to the justice of the peace for the ceremony because your fiance is very shy in front of others. Explain this to the family and offering them a dinner party would be very appropriate and would still make them feel involved and important to your lives - which is what most parents want anyway.

Good Luck and I hope that you and your new husband are very happy together.

Answer 4

tell them is because your budget :]

or dnt give any reasons at all, is your wedding and the people who cares about you needs to be there so if you think they dont deserve it then dont inviting them and tell them to grow up

Answer 5

To skip all the drama that WILL happen, and you know it will, there is no way to avoid it, you should book a trip to somewhere nice and get married on a beach, that way everyone understand why they cant be there. I think by doing it the way you want to, you will just cause fights, when really getting married is supposed to be a happy thing. Your wedding day is about you and your man, make it that way and dont let people ruin it for you. I think from the sounds of it you would have a much better time far away anways, just you and him.

Good luck with your decision.

Answer 6

Well first of all congratulation! not only for your wedding but also for the comprehensive and sweet life partner that you have apparently found. Not any man would agree to not invite his family just to be even with the fact that you are not inviting yours. I think that the dinner is an excellent idea but I will do it before the wedding. I am sure that your family is going to be bitter for not being present at your wedding and the meal right after you arrive from your honeymoon will really ruin everything. Do it a few days before and save you the bad time. Since you are marrying on december if you want you can order one of those personalized desk calendars with photos of the newlyweds and send them just to your closest relatives with a gratitude note for their best wishes.

The only thing that I would recommend you is to be prepared for the criticism of your family. This might end up causing problems with your husband latter on...and it is not worth it. Try to put some distance and good luck with everything. Don't forget that this is one of the happiest days of your life and nothing should ruin it...so do the dinner before the wedding. Congrats!!  

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I just saw your actualization...don't wait until the day before to tell them. If you do that the phone will not stop ringing and you are going to feel guilty instead of happy during your wedding day. Explain them before...and you should explain this to them with your future husband by your side. This way it will reinforce the idea that this was a decision that you took together. About your mom I think that even though you would not like her to be there, she should be present as well. Just her nobody else from her side of the family. If you don't invite her as a 3rd witness, be prepared to hear her attacks for the rest of your life. Really...Good Luck...you deserve to be happy.

Answer 7

Hi.  Do as you please, but I can't understand not inviting the groom's parents!!  Can't you have 4 witnesses?  

As a mother, I would be extremely hurt.  How will THEY feel knowing that they were excluded but your dad and step-mum were there?  Especially when you say "they are nothing but sweet and kind."  What have they done to be excluded from their own son's wedding?  Seems like you are playing forvorites.  But...it's your choice.

Answer 8

invite to grooms parents as well, as you get on with them and its not fair on them not to be invited.

If you dont want to invite them, then dont invite your dad and stepmum either, its not fair.

Good Luck

Answer 9

Wow congrats.,

december 20th is also my b-day haha nice =D

Dont who cares.  

Answer 10

Make every ones day as stress free as possible.  Only tell the people you are inviting, tell them the date and tell them you will text them the venue (like the celebs do) on the day (the way you are unlikely to have gate crashers) then enjoy the day with the people you want to be there.

Alternatively, in this situation, i`d suggest going away with your fella for a holiday (take two close friends with you) and have a `surprise` wedding (which only your fella and you know about before hand, you would have to do this for the legal paperwork anyway) you 2 friends will have no problem being your witnesses.

I haven`t spoken to my sister for nearly 10 years and she wasn`t invited to my wedding, she knew about it from my mother, but she wasn`t invited.  I also didn`t invite family relatives, only friends.  It made for a much happier day.

Answer 11

You have it right not to tell them till after.  They wont be happy though.  Have photos ready for them to see and for your mo, maybe skip the part about your dad being there to not cause any more issues between them.  

Answer 12

Don't ask me, ask Dr. Phil!

Answer 13

Ooooooooo one of my friends got married in secret, only told the relatives the day after.

I do think you should invite your fiancé's parents. Just the parents. When my friend got married she didn't have any family there at all. Having your family and not your fiancé's could leave them feeling left out. You could invite them and explain the situation and give them the opportunity to excuse themselves.

Answer 14

Ok, I had the exact same situation except I didn't have the horrible things being said to me as a child...I don't care what your dad did, the things they said to you were in poor taste and uncalled for.  But, I digress.

I think you should tell everyone that you are having a private ceremony - do not tell anyone where it is at otherwise they will show up or threaten to show (I had that problem).  What I did was tell everyone it was immediate family only and no cousins, aunts or uncles were invited (although one pair crashed!).  It caused for some tension but it was what we wanted.  

You are entitled to do whatever you guys want and you don't have to do things the way that everyone else does.  You didn't mention his parents specifically, but if they are still around, I think you should definitely have them there.  It will be a bad way to start the marriage if they aren't there.  And no matter what your fiance tells them (that it was his choice because he didn't want a crowd) they will blame and resent you for them not being present for their son's wedding.

I think if I understood you correctly, it sounds as if you are not inviting your mom.  Know that if you wish to have any type of a decent relationship with your mom in the future, you have to invite her to your wedding.  Now it could be that you and your mom have a nearly non existent relationship now and if that is the case, then fine.  But just understand that this is one of those situations where the damage can be beyond repair...so know the consequences and make your decision from there.    

As for siblings, if there are any and you guys are close with them, then invite them too.  Then that's where you draw the line - parents and siblings and that's it.  No need for discussion otherwise.  One of the ways that we dealt with all of the questions was to tell people that we were planning on having some type of reception over the summer (6 months after the wedding) which we never did (or really planned on doing) but it was just a way to shut everyone up.

I think it's lovely that you are going to take everyone out for a dinner a week later.  But, I think telling his family (and your mom) that your dad and stepmom  are going to be there for the purpose of being witnesses will cause some hurt feelings that may never be repaired.  If your parents are there, his parents should be there.  Otherwise neither should be there and you should just have the officiant have people present to be witnesses.

You mention that his family is quite nice and sweet, and I'm sure they are understanding too, but even the nicest people will probably be offended if they aren't invited when they hold the same 'rank' as the other two people invited.

Congratulations and don't stress too much.  Do what makes the two of you happy, but try and keep it even on both sides so as to not have it look like 'favoritism' and things will be much smoother in the long run.

Best of luck to you!

  

Answer 15

My answer?  Elope and just spend your money on a quiet honeymoon together

Answer 16

"We just want it to not be a big deal, we want it to be small and intimate and my partner does not want a lot of people there"

that's your answer.

i would tell them before hand. do not give a date or location

then tell them you want to have a party with them and do 2 parties (one for your mom's family the other for his family) no big deal, just a get together for them to show thier support

Answer 17

It's up to you but I would invite the groom's parents, your dad and step mother (and either of your siblings if you wish) and leave it at that. I think the grooms parents may be upset if they don't get to see their son getting married- through no fault of their own. This is especially since you will have 2 family members (your dad and step mum) present. I completely understand why you don't want to invite your mother's family.

The meal with your mother's family afterwards is a nice idea.