How can I help my friend with her loss over adoption?

Question

I've recently become approved to be a foster parent, and a friend of mine who was applying to adopt has been turned down. The problem is that I am not infertile, but choosing to foster, while she suffers fertility problems and is now unable to adopt. She is very hurt over this, and has started getting angry at me for 'taking' foster kids when I can have my own, while she can't do either. I totally understand how hurt she is, but I need suggestions on how to help her.

Answer 1

I can certainly understand your friend's bitterness over what the government has decided............................but that shouldn't determine whether you should foster children or not. I commend you very highly!!  Maybe your friend would be interested in fostering children....it can be a very satisfying experience.  Don't push her...this hurt is something she has to deal with in her own time.  Just be there for her.

Answer 2

There may be more issues for the turn down than what your friend is willing to share.  True, it could be solely financially based - though with so many children needing a loving and safe environment, even if just temporary - I find it difficult to believe this is the only reason they were turned down (unless they are one step away from being homeless?).  Perhaps it is the reason they were given or perhaps it is the reason that was given to you.  It almost seems to me that the anger / jealousy issues over not being able to have her own children could be a bigger issue.  Don't forget, becoming a foster parent is not always a permanent situation - there are always the possibility for more loss if the child is returned to their parent or adopted by another. I think that there is more that meets the eye in this case.  If your ability to have foster children is hurting your friendship because she can't - you may need to rethink your friendship or reprioritize it.  As you feel a responsibility to make her feel better about her situation, she also has a responsibility to make you feel good about yours.  Though, your priority right now is to the well being of the children you are taking in - not to your friend.  Stop feeling guilty and start feeling pride in the fact that you have an opportunity to make a difference!  It is not your fault that she doesn't have the same opportunity.

Answer 3

How young is your friend? Could the finical situation change?  What about International adoption?

All you can do is try and be there for her its understandable that she is upset now. This is very sad with all the children that need good loving homes. That this couple be denied to adopt because of some money issues. If they have a home and are able furnish the basics.

Answer 4

try to be patient. she will calm down and realize you are not the enemy.

when i got pregnant with my youngest, i had to tell my close friend about it, sounds easy but considering she had been trying for 10 years at the time and i had one and also 3 step children. she was quite upset, and the same type of things came out of her mouth, but she cooled down and eventually became very supportive. just give your friend a chance to get over the slap in the face she just got and it will all pass

ps, my friend just had her first baby, after 15 years of trying everything under the sun. hooray for her!!

Answer 5

Being a foster parent and adopting are two very different things.  A foster parent is a home to help a family get back on track.  Children in foster care have parents and often will go home to them.  You need to help your friend understand that you are doing foster care to help children and their families through a difficult time.  This is a lot different than just being an adoptive family.  Does your friend know that foster families are actually paid to care for and provide for a child?  

Is or has your friend ever thought of doing foster care?  Maybe she should look into it.

Answer 6

Best thing is to just be there for her and don't try to fuel her with any arguments.

Answer 7

For starters this is not ur fault. Ur so called friend shud hav thot bout this before goin ahead with the adoption. Wot u need 2 do is go tlk 2 her an explain that altho ur gettin the chance 2 foster u dont c y the 2 of u hav 2 fall out over it.

Answer 8

Infertility can cause a lot of negative feelings, including envy, anger, and depression. I think you should suggest she seek support from other infertile women, either in person through an organization like Resolve http://www.resolve.org or online or get some counseling. It is irrational to think your fostering is taking anything away from her, and she needs to discuss her feelings with someone who understands, which is very helpful for venting purposes!.

The income requirements for fostering or foster-to-adopt aren't that high provided they both have steady jobs, so I am willing to bet she and her husband have too large a debt to asset/income ratio- putting them in a precarious position should one become ill or unemployed or something. If I am correct, you could also suggest they get some credit counseling and try to get their debt down to a more manageable level...then she can try adoption again.

It took us over 10 years of infertility and childlessness to get into a financial situation where we could consider adoption, because we were carrying around too much debt for too long.

Answer 9

I think your friend is being a bit unreasonable. Adopting & Fostering are two different things.

You are blessing for these kids that will come & go in your household & at times your household will be turned upside down to cater for a lost or unwanted child.

Your friend I think doesn't understand that these kids in your care aren't yours & can be taken from you at anytime, where your friend will adopt a child & have them in her life forever.

Unfortunately she is the only one who can change the way she feels.

Answer 10

I can understand your concern. Its not your fault that your friend has been turned down. I am sure she is very upset and its still a raw subject but in time she will understand. She is looking for someone to take out her anger on and unfortunately that person is you. Just try to be sympathetic towards her (thats all you can do)

Dont let it make you feel bad though. What you are doing is a wonderful thing and you should br proud of yourself.

Its not your fault that your friend doesnt earn enough money. If it means so much to her to adopt she could always try and get a new job that pays more money. If thats the only thing stopping her then she could try and do something about it instead of blaming other good people like yourself.

Good luck with your fostering and I hope your friend eventually understands and supports you.

Answer 11

She needs to find out the exact reasons she cant adopt and find away to fix them or a way around them. Just remember with every law and rule there is a loop to get through. Thats really all you can do other than just be there for her. And maybe find ways to spend more time with her. Hope you figure it out! Good luck to both of you!

Answer 12

I am sorry to ask, but why was she turned down?

I know that I would not get to adopt because I do not have stable finacial situation yet, and I am a male, and I don't have a place bigger than a 1 bed apt.

The only reasons for being turned down is that she is not able to give a good home, she said she was homosexual, or that a child that is an age or race or other specific that she is not willing to accept.

There are too many children in need to be adopted to have someone turned down with out good cause, and she should not take that out on you.