How can I help our young children cope when my husband deploys?

Question

My husband will be leaving for his 1st deployment during our marriage this winter. Our children will be 3 and 1. They are very close to my husband b/c he is such a wonderful, hands-on dad. Any advice on how to get them through the separation? Also, my husband wanted me to return to our hometown so that I would have the support of family and friends, but I am worried that the move will disrupt our children's lives even more. Please only answer if you are a military member or spouse that has had experience in this issue.

Answer 1

get the Sesame Street DVD.  available at the Support centers on base.  

Answer 2

My boys are the same age, 3 &1. My husband just got back from a 15 month deployment to Iraq. He just left for Special Forces selection and right when he gets home he will turn around and go to school for drill. So trust me all too well when I say I know. When my husband was deployed I had the boys watch home movies of them with their daddy. Plus I put family pictures up (one of him in uniform on each of the night stands) and some of their daddy in action. This gave them a better idea of what was going on, other than just saying he is at work. I also let my three year old wear his dad's shoes and hats around when he wanted to. (the shoes just at home, but the hats any where) I also had camo pillows made that had my husbands picture on it. They liked to carry them around and snuggle with them. When we were out about, we wore buttons with my husband's picture and rank. You can make yours any way you want. A great site for these is zazzle.com. They are pretty cheap too. It made them feel a little closer to have their dad with them all the time. You could also get a deployment bracelet from trinketnscraps.com. They are the best and cheapest. Jennifer, the site owner is amazing and usually can get you anything you like. (I did the Italian one) Get the kids involved in sending boxes. I would buy fun stickers and let them cover the box! Also when at the store buying for the box, let them pick out something, anything they want. Mine usually did something like a rubber snake (which they used to play jokes, lol) or basket ball hoop, even a favorite snack. This makes them feel really important. My husband was good about staying in touch. He would get on the webcam and that helped the boys to see him. This last time he left we bought our three year old a puppy to help distract. I don't know if this is right for everyone and sure does add to the plate. But it has helped, lots! Best wishes!

Answer 3

this is alswayse harder when you have children my advice dont get depressed and handle it well for your self and your children keep them active and busy dont just give them a video and make them watch it till their lil brains are burned out of there head and tell them storys and show pictures of there dad to them confort them as much as possible and simply be honest with them.  my suggestion for the move is possible visit family for a month of longer let housing know of your situation or pay to have family visit you if you can many wives have their sister or a family member stay with them during deployment to deal with the kids if you move you loose all housing and the military generly will not pay for another move unless there is a major health problem occuring and then your husband when he gets back will be living in the baracks and not with you again so make a simple visit or have soemeone stay with you that is willing to do some traveling but dont make the big move it would be too hard on the kids and then you will be further away from your husband when he comes home

Answer 4

Be prepared for some erratic behavior from both kids.  Those are really tough ages to have abandonment issues forced on them.  Girls with abandonment issues often have promiscious behavior when they hit puberty.  The boys get violent.

Answer 5

At that age they won't even know you've moved.  

Try these sites. Especially the last one.

Answer 6

I'm a military brat.  The only advice I can offer in regards to the 3-year-old is something me mother told my brother when he was that age and my father had been sent overseas.  My brother used to cry when it got dark because my father wasn't around.  My mother told him not to cry because our dark meant my father had light.  If the 3-year-old cries, try to relate to the child what's going on with Daddy in a positive light.  Remind the kids that Daddy loves them.

For the 1-year-old, show the baby plenty of photos and have Daddy speak to him or her ever chance you get.  I was 1 when my father went to Korea.  When he came back, I said "Who dat?" when I saw him.  That was 28 years ago and we didn't have the technology we do now.

Answer 7

When my children were very young... 4 and 1 1/2, I had to go to Oklahoma for 13 weeks, for job training.  My husband moved in with my parents so my kids would be around family when he was at work.  My mom took pictures of me with the kids, a couple nights before I left.  Then she made a color copy of the best of the pictures we took and blew it up to 8 x 14 size... and had it laminated.  It lived on the fridge, about 3 feet from the ground... the entire time I was gone.  The kids would kiss me good morning and good night... and my mom would talk with them about me and encouraged them to "talk" to my picture like they were talking to me.  

The deployment will probably allow communication with your husband, so they'll be able to talk to him on the phone, and via the internet.  It all depends on what his job is, how close he is to a communications center, and how often he is on base to use it.  When my son was deployed, he called somebody nearly every day, whether it was me, his girlfriend, or his best buddy.  It's not at all like it was in Viet Nam, when we got only 5 letters from my brother in the 1 year he was there.

Your kids will be fine, so long as you both remember to put them first and keep the other one visible in your conversations with them.  It's okay to tell your 3-year old, "Daddy would be so proud of you!!"... and then when Daddy calls, let Daddy know he needs to tell your little guy how proud he is... that will give them a continuity in parenting/nurturing that will be very helpful.  

If your husband is a Marine, he'll be gone about 7 months.  If Army, then it'll be longer.  If it's longer, he'll likely get leave around the middle of his deployment.  If you're not living at home, it would pretty disruptive for them to have to go someplace else to see their Dad.  Best if he "visits"... although that's likely to be more difficult for you and him, it'll be best for the kids... and perhaps you'll have family who can watch the kids so you and he can get away for a day or two.

Just know that they will follow YOUR lead on how you deal with his deployment.  It's okay to say, "Gosh, I miss Daddy today"... but not a good idea to let them see you really falling apart over how much you miss him.  That way they'll know it's normal and fine to express how they miss him... but that falling apart, or acting out in ineffective ways isn't the way to go.

Best of luck to you!  You'll be fine.. and so will your kids!

Answer 8

That's great that you are concerned about the little ones.... some don't stop to think of the effects on them.  

Some ideas I've used with my own girls:

Video tape daddy reading some of their favorite books.  Then dad can "read" to them while he is gone.

Laminate a picture of daddy for them to have.  We had a friend who took his "daddy" everywhere and would talk to him.  It was strange at first, but it helped him cope.

Make a chain of how long he'll be gone and take a link off each night at bedtime.  (always add extra days, some nights I would put the link back on after they went to bed and they would never notice!)

Once a week sit down and do some art work for daddy and send it to him.  (Hubby loved it and his tent area of the tent was covered in art.  And when he sent home a picture of all the art work my girls were thrilled!)

Using iron-on transfer sheets, make a pillow case with daddy's picture on it for each of them, and then make one for daddy with you and the little ones picture.  Use fabric crayons and let them scribble all over daddy's pillowcase and send it with him.

Talk about daddy, don't pretend like he doesn't exist.

Let them be sad and let them see that you miss him as well.  

Keep yourselves busy with outings and playdates.

Be prepared for changes in behavior and help them work through it with play or drawing.  

Make sure daddy sends them letters/drawings addressed to them, not you.  Your 3 year old will love it!

Video phones/webcams - some kids love it and some kids can't cope.  My youngest one didn't deal well with it at all... she could see daddy and talk to daddy, but why wasn't he there??  So after 2 times we had to stop... it actually made things worse.  Other kids just love it and it really helps them.  

As for moving... that's really a personal thing.  Think about what kind of support you'll have at home vs. support you'll have if you go to mom's.  And do you really want to live with your folks for that long?  Generally this is really good support on base and you are surrounded by folks who know what you are going through and your kids will have their little playmates.  Family readiness does deployed spouses events, outings, playgroups, etc. all for those left behind.  And some squadrons will also have events for those families.  

If you move home will you have that same support system of folks who have been there, done that?  Or will everyone be busy with their own lives and fit you in when they can?   Many of us never go home because of that lack of support... the folks work, your friends have their own circles and their own lives or they work, and that leaves you with nothing.  Maybe a trip home after a few months, just for a few weeks?  Just something to break up the deployment.  

If you want to talk, please holler.  Hubby seemed to be constantly deployed when our girls were little, and I've been a Key spouse for years, helping spouses and their families deal with deployments.

Answer 9

Ok I'm not a military brat or wife so first of all thank you for YOUR sacrifices as well as his.  I just thought I might have an idea to make it easier on the children (I have 3 and my mother died when they were VERY little).  Take videos of your husband talking to them.  Have him talk directly to the camera and use their names.  Take many of these and break them into little clips.  Do them in different places. Show them one every day so their memory of his face and their love for it and him won't be foggy from time and distance.  I have a puzzle program on my computer that allows you to make puzzles on the computer from your own picture files.  I have ones on there of the relatives that have died or live far away.  They love to play them and talk about who's in the picture.  Then when it's time for your husband to call, his voice, face and memories will be fresh in their minds and hearts.....

God bless you and all soldiers and their families,

LoriC

Answer 10

I am a navy brat and a navy wife.  My daughter was 3 the first time she was away from her daddy for 6 months.  It will be an adjustment, but it won't take long for you all to get into your own routine without him.  You do have internet, phone, and will be able to send real letters and things like the kids artwork to him.  I think your 3 y/o would love a map of the world so he/she can see where daddy is!  My daughter loved a picture of daddy by her bed at night and she would kiss it and say goodnight to him.  Create a myspace account and post pictures regularly for daddy to see when he can get on the net.  It is easier than downloading photos from emails.  

You will see how easy it is for the kids after a little bit.  But it's yourself that also may need help through it too!  You're just as important :)  Also, going back home is a personal decision.  I have seen a few navy wives do that, or they have family come and stay with them for short periods of time.  The kids are young enough that if you did go home for a while it wouldn't make much of a difference.

My heart goes out to you, but you will be okay :)  If you want to chat shoot me an email!