How can I know what my lover is thinking without telepathy.?

Question

Okay...I don't believe in therapy, or in the shrink deals. I believe in some advice, and I only take advice from people who portray and actual intelligent response. Sorry, though I am 19, my eyes can't handle deciphering stuff such as, "Sup, wat you ^ 2 todeh?" I don't like that...anyways. Here is the beginning of our little story.

As I type this question, I am at my girlfriends house. Mind you we have been together a year, and this is the first time in real life I have gotten to meet her. I live in California, and she Nebraska. Anyways, she was all excited that I was coming out to see her. We both love each other very much. As I got to her house, I noticed she was very...what's the word...nervous/shy? Maybe. Anyways, after talking her sister, mom, etc, it turns out she was very nervous of seeing me. And is still nervous. They say she will "warm up", but what is stressing me out is this. I can't really sit next to her...because she is really "nervous"? I flew 1500 miles to see her, and as I became convinced I was doing something wrong, I thought that our late night hugs and kisses goodnight were all I was going to get. When I asked her why she wasn't very cuddly like or wanting to be near me, she said it's not me. She is just like her mom, not the lovey dovey type of girl. She loves me, and tonight as I write this, I told her I loved her, and would never do anything to make her uncomfortable. She thanked me, and with a kiss on my forehead, and a kiss on her cheek, she was off to bed. As it stands I am at a loss for how to adapt. My last relationship was filled with affection and touchiness. I stepped out on the porch, sure enough she was scared I had run away or something, until she found me just outside. Her words to me when I asked her, "It's not you. I am just not the lovey dovey type. That's why my last boyfriends cheated on me and left me, because our relationships were slow. You haven't done anything wrong." So now in this little romance novel I have a writers block. She is getting up for school soon, and then she has work. I want to approach her and see if there will be a time I can take her out. But I fear it might be like I am pushing her. So, here comes the plot. What could she be thinking? Come on, I hardly doubt we would be together for a year if she didn't love me. And I am all for holding back and going super slow. =D But I need to know how to adapt, and what I should say sometimes to get her more comfortable...it's odd now that we are near each other. Is she really that shy like her mom and sister tell me? Or is she afraid of something? I can only tell her how much I love her...and she says I love you too, but I want to make her happy...happy that I am here with her. And the first day she showed me off to her friends, and brags about having me here to her friends. So, I guess I need to know what she is thinking, and how I can seem close, without being touchy with her. Maybe she wonders if I will leave her because of this...in which case I won't. =) Open advice welcome. Please be intellectual though. I will call this book, "Romantic Pursuit ".

Answer 1

I sound just like her. I like my own space and I am not much into being affectionate. I have had bad experiences. I have been molested and every time someone comes close, I freeze and have flash backs. I also get very angry and shy away and nervous, like her. Perhaps she has bad experiences.  

Answer 2

what a pleasure to meet someone who speaks English and not afraid to say so.  I am going to answer you with total honesty.  I met my husband online. No matter HOW open and honest you may be.. online is a different level of "knowing" than in person.  Distance always is something of a safety net, whether you admit it or not.  After meeting my (now) husband in person, we got to be more real. Some things cannot be seen onscreen, but in person.. they show up. Real life things, such as minor irritants on both sides. For example.. I do smoke. In email, he could intellectually not care. In person.. different story. And some of his things, drove me nuts. We made a shift into real world life, found some huge potholes.. and managed then to resolve them. You do notice I said husband, right? And we still have potholes.. but that is part of relationships. Real ones are those that HAVE problems and are still there, determined. Fake ones pretend there are none, and get knocked over when the issues come up.

You yourself refer to this as a romance novel. Hmmm. Romantic persons, I think, tend to the idea that life is like the novels, which is not true. In a novel, you control all the plot. Real life.. you have other persons, writing their own lines.

The condensed version:  You are probably so into what it has been online, that you don't see the need to "shift" to real time.  Be prepared for the unexpected.  And nervous.. totally normal.  

Answer 3

To answer your immediate question, without telepathy there is no fail-proof way of reading someone's mind. But indicators such as body language, words, facial expressions and clarity in the eyes will tell you how honest a person is - and the rest is a lovely process of getting-to-know-you =)

Perhaps it would be best to ground yourself. It sounds like you're trying to write a novel and you're using her as your muse - and if a girl figures that out it may not be good. More realistically, you could be trying to make your own story and are forcing her into the role of princess, damsel-in-distress or superheroine. Although it all sounds like fun, the expectations that accompany such stereotypes are very difficult for us mere mortals to deal with, o Gandalf =) So honey, my advice would be to rely more on the magic of everyday life than the magic that you're trying to weave with your own hands.

Love is a wonderful and powerful thing that is best experienced face to face. Seems like you already have a foundation, so continue it from there - by getting to know each other, slowly, surely. What's the rush? Enjoy the process!

Answer 4

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