How can I learn to ignore the hurtful things my mother says?

Question

My biological parents abandoned me when I was 12, so my paternal grandparents adopted me. I never was close to my real parents so I started calling my grandparents mom and dad.

Things were really great for awhile and I quickly became close with my mom. But as I got older things changed. Now I'm 19, engaged, and desperately trying to save enough money up to move in with my fiance and get out of here.

First off my mom threatens to kick me out all the time for stupid stuff. To her if I say, "you hurt my feelings!" I'm being disrespectful and putting her down! If I raise my voice even a little bit she claims I'm screaming and tells me to pack my bags. If I roll my eyes she screams in my face and calls me the worst child on the planet. She still treats me like a child and tells me, "you're the child, I'm the adult." constantly, even though I'm 19.

Well lately she says a lot of hurtful things that make me resent her. I am large busted and it seems really hard to find a top that doesnt show a small amount of cleavage. I constantly pull my shirts up so it doesnt show. Well my mom said today, "I thought you said you'd stop dressing so S****y. I dont know where you get it. Its not like your biological mom actually raised you."

And I talk a lot and she tells me things like, "Oh shut up. Dont you care that nobody likes you? Nobody cares about anything you talk about! Just shut up already!"

She also criticizes me and my fiance constantly because he's almost 18 (in a few months) and still has one more year of high school and she calls him stupid to me and when I try to defend him she again threatens to kick me out for disrespect.

And when I try to be nice and involve her in my life and I talk to her she sits there with a sarcastic grin on her face and nodding then rolls her eyes and stays silent. So then I ask her opinion and she says, I don't have one. I really don't care about what you're talking about.

I love my mom but I'm starting to realize I don't like much about the person she is. She makes me feel bad about myself and if I could move out right now I would. I cant tell her how I feel she always shuts me down. And my dad is even more of a jerk and he instigates things between my mom and me. I guess my plan was to move out and distance myself from her. I feel guilty and sad though because I've lost a lot of people in my family and it hurts to say I want to distance myself from her. But she says things and occasionally apologizes and I forgive her but then she says it again. Im afraid of becoming a bitter person because of it. She judges me all of the time, even putting me down and making fun of me calling me a **** because my fiance and I had s*x after 10 months of dating (we were both each others first). I feel she is harsh and hateful.

For now while I have to live here what can I do to make sure I dont let what she says get to me?

Answer 1

It sounds like you love her and I dont think you can really just ignore someone you love.  What they say does matter and the old "sticks and stones" saying goes out the window.  You are in a tough situation and all I really know to tell you is to hang in there and play her game a little longer.  Maybe before long you will be able to get out.  I dont know the circumstances surrounding you living with your grandparents but from the sound of things she should have left well enough alone and let you be happy.  I know that is hard to hear when it come to your mother but everyone wasnt cut out to be a parent.  I just wish you the best of luck with your boyfriend and I hope that you learn from watching your mother make mistakes and you dont make the same ones.  It can only make you a better parent one day.

Answer 2

Wow, difficult...yes! No one like to be talked down to.  You are 19, your boyfriend is probably the same age (within 1 year). O.K....How many bros & sis does your paternal mother have? The "change" in your grandparents as you get older is because they know you have a boyfriend, they know you will be leaving, they know your engaged. Maybe they are trying to hold on till the last minute, they are a little scared, maybe nervous that you could be "starting too early" a family & you may leave your child just as your parents left you. Not exactly good for the family name as far as your grandparents go. Your grandparents are just that...grandparents. Do not be calling them "mom & dad". They are probably hurt when they think back to how they think they "failed" your mom. That is what they think! And if it happened to your mom, it will happen to you....NONSENSE!! You must plan carefully, and not be re-active, be pro-active! Sounds like a little insecurity in your grandparents...they need control over something...and that's you. No control and they are lost. Positive self-talk is very powerful with the right mindset! Seek out a school councelor, priest, rabbi, church support groups, look for free clinics that deal with family issues. Comments like: Shut up, nobody listens to you, you don't know what you're talking about...and clling you a **** IS WRONG! Parents, grandparents, older family members should be trying to help & encourage you, not put you down! Ready...DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP FROM SOMEONE WHO IS QUALIFIED! Because I can tell you right now, you won't get any help from them! Can you go to someone in your boyfriend's family for a conversation of what you are feeling? "Answers" is a good start, but not the final decision maker. Step by step and plan your future! Think of all the possible outcomes of each decision. And please, don't take youself so seriously that you lose the little girl "spark" you had when someone called you a "day dreamer" !!!Always...always leave yourself an "out" !!! May you both "Live long & prosper"...just couldn't help myself!

Albert Einstein said: "Imagination is more important than knowledge"

Answer 3

We can't change other people but we can change ourselves.  A good start is to not engage in discussions about you or your life with them.  It is really hard to do! Melody Beattie's books about co-dependancy might help, concentrating on your own personal growth.  It sounds like a difficult situation and I wish you luck!  

Answer 4

I'm sure many people will tell you that there is a way to shut her out, or ignore the painful things she says but from experience I'm unsure if there is. You love her, you constantly try to involve her in your life but she shuts you down. The best thing to do is to do something you love most to show your emotions, like perhaps writing in a journal, or start painting something artistic.  

Answer 5

It is hard to reconize when we dont really like the ones we love. Your grandmother raised you & you will always be greatfull for that. Even if you forget for a few years It will come back to you from time to time. You are 19 It is time for you to get on your own. Staying there isent going to help you or your grandmother. Check out this site below. job Corp, your boy friend has another year left in school, so why dont you get up & do somthing for both of your  future? job Corp is available at no financial cost & you can earn a living allowance while training. You live on site & are around other teens like you. check it out. you are welcome to e Mail me after you check out the site. Good luck