How can I let my son know I'm just trying to help him learn to be more responsible?

Question

I have an 18 year old son who just started college. He had a good job over the summer & saved a good amount of money up until he got a new girlfriend. Then she convinced him he needed all his clothes from Hollister, a new car stereo, a tattoo, the list goes on & on. He went off to college with almost no money in his account. Now he expects his dad & I to give him money to come home every weekend (a 4 hour drive one way) just so he can see his girlfriend. He says he "shouldn't have to" get a job at college to make his own gas money. We are standing firm on this and haven't given him any money, but now he is angry & pouty, doesn't call us, and he HAS been spending what little money he has to come back here but he stays with friends and won't come see us when he does. He has everything he needs at college, food, room, ect. are already paid for so it's not like we are starving him or something. We feel that he is trying to manipulate us to give him money. Are we being unreasonable in expecting an 18 year old to act a little more responsibly? Should we give in, or will he eventually come around? We are trying to be strong, but his behavior is really hurtful.

Answer 1

You are making him learn by exactly what you are doing. Good for you!! No free ride. Responsibilities come before pleasure. Take care of yourself. He is fed, warm and his schooling is paid.......far better off than alot of kids his age.

He is "punishing" you.....pouting.....behaving like a spoiled child who has been harmed in some way. He will come around....sooner or later he will come around. Don't play into his hand.

Answer 2

PARENTAL CONTROL!

Answer 3

You sound like a very wise couple who are caring your son receive a good college education, and understanding he is 18 needing to make his own life work.  Even though 18 is young and he probably wants that buffer of what life used to be like (mom and dad pay for everything) I think after some buffer zones of periodic returns home for whoever he wants to see, this calls for some tough love which is to set the limits of just how much you will allow him to have extra.  Then he can set the limits with his girlfriend and he can find out if they will have what it takes to be true to each other, if "she's the one" - and get them both on some foundation of reality.  Distance can make the heart grow fonder, and as the semester goes on, you want / he wants time to focus on class assignments, college life, etc.  Encourage he send her hand written notes!  Teach him how to really get closer to someone.  Read books and share comments on them by email.  There should be some list of books that encourage relationships in important matters.  

This summer we spent our camping vacation hiking, biking, but also reading aloud as a family (19, 17, & 13) A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanuken.  Also, How We Grow - intended for counselors by John Trent.  Maybe you have more to teach your son!  Definitely.  We don't have to just think they've arrived when they hit a certain age.  It takes showing maturity, consistency, faithfulness, loyalty, which are qualities we usually focus for elementary kids, but then do we forget how that is processed as adults?  God bless your family and God bless America!    

Answer 4

"Are we being unreasonable in expecting an 18 year old to act a little more responsibly? "

Yeah. 18 year old men, for the most part, are still kids. I know I was.

I think you should sit down with him (or his dad, whichever parent he's closer to, or a friend of his if you know his friends) and explain that his girlfriend is a manipulative gold-digging beyotch. Offer to give him money if he kicks her to the curb.