How can I make him realize how important he is to them?

Question

My boyfriend has children from a previous relationship. They are teenage girls. He has had no contact with them or their mother for several years. He and the mother do not get along at all. One of the girls is very angry and recently contacted him to express her anger and sadness of his absence. I am very concerned for the well being of these children. I am very concerned for their futures. I feel like if he doesn't start to play a role in their lives soon, that his absence may have a huge negative affect on these girls futures and as a result they will grow up unhappy and make bad choices. How can I convince him how important he is to their emotional develpoment?

Answer 1

Don't bother. You can't force the obvious. Your bf is an adult and should already be aware of what his responsibilties are/were toward his daughters. For whatever reason, he's chosen to abandon that responsibility.

If you nag him on it, he will resent you. It may be fine to express your concern on this, but then leave it up to him. I think it's great that you consider his other kids, and hope he will be able to be reasonable about this.

Answer 2

Sadly, his role is going to depend on how much the mother allows him.  That's usually the way divorces are.

If the courts allow him visitation then he needs to be there to take advantage of that.

I think that he needs to sit down witht he mother and explain to her that he loves his girls, and that nomatter what has happened between the two of them, the girls deserve to have two parents that do not get them caught in the middle of their problems.  And he needs to ask her what they should do to see that this happens.  He needs to sit down and talk to the mother like an adult.  And he needs to not get side tracked on her antics and realize that his goal, no matter what it takes, is to see his girls and be a dad to them.  Sometimes that means swallowing some pride, right or wrong.

Answer 3

At this point the only way to convince him is for them to show up at his doorstep and ask to move in.

The problem is that he is hurting very badly over it and he cannot afford in his own heart to give anything to them emotionally if he is worried they will be taken from him again.

He cannot afford the pain so he blocks it out and cannot deal with it even in the slightest way.

In order for you to even bring the subject up in a safe manner you can throw subtle suggestions with tv. Being a man I am sure he loves tv. Tell him there is a show on that is important that you want to watch and you want him to watch it with you. Then you can put on shows that show dysfunction of adults, like "intervention". Somewhere along the lines you can throw in the comment that you believe these people must have felt pretty bad about themselves and you can tell their parents didn't guide them any in their upbringing. Even if he gets mad, he only needs to see it once to get it through his head that he needs to take responsibility.

Answer 4

Ask him how he would feel if his father did the same!!!

He is running away from the problem!!!

In spite what people say he is!

I have been married twice and have a son to 1 of my ex`s

and a daughter with my girlfriend now

Those girls need too see the man who helped bring them into the world!!

They can forgive forgetting takes a long time!!!

He has to explain why thou he left it so long!!

And dont blame others!!!

You think to would he do this to me???

So ask him would he??

So prove you love them and fix it now

because when you die you cant say what you wanted to say!!!

Regret is the curse of a weak person!!!

Which is played over and over again in the mind!!!

Being a father has a responsibility!!!!

Do the right thing by your kids

hope it works out for them girls

and good on ya for caring for them

Answer 5

If you talk to him ask him to put himself in their shoes. Maybe he grew up without a father in his life but if he did then he should know how it feels. That must have taken a lot of courage for his daughter to contact him and tell him how she feels. I haven't seen my dad in over 15 yrs and I'm 29 now. My dad has missed out on so many things in my life because he choose to not take an active role as a father. Luckily God blessed me with the most amazing man to take the place of my dead beat father and that was my step dad. Although he helped heal the wounds of not having my bio-dad in my life I still cant help but think about why this man that helped conceive me had absolutely nothing to do with me as a child. The fact that your boy friends daughter contacted him is her way of  giving him  the chance to make things right again, because if she didn't care she would not have called. I really hope he opens his eyes and steps up to the plate. This maybe his last chance. The only thing you can do is talk to him and tell him your thoughts on it and tell him that he has the chance to try and make things better. I hope he makes the right choice. I think you are a great heart felt person to have the concern for this mans kids it really says a lot about the kinda person you are. Good Luck hope things work out :  )

Answer 6

Impossible. You can not change WHO a person is.

I guess you should worry more about yourself at this point. Do you really want a relationship with a man who does not participate in the lives of his children? There are NO NO NO excuses for abandoning your OWN children! That is such a flawed personality!

I would run like the wind if I were you!

EDIT**BOUDREAU** That is a crock of $hit! It is not the mothers FAULT that he is not seeing his children!