How can I make it clear to my dad that his mistress is not going to be welcome at my wedding?

Question

This requires a great deal of background information, so bear with me.

About two year ago, my dad walked out on my mom after 32 years of marriage and a total of 35 years together. We later discovered that he moved in with a woman with whom he'd not only been having at least an emotional affair with, but with whom he'd been cheating on the OTHER woman he'd been having an affair with for 10 years (messed up, huh?).

Needless to say, my sister and I have been in various states of estrangement from him for quite some time. He's blown us off for holidays, our birthdays, etc. What's worse, he's practically tried to force this woman down our throats as if we're supposed to just forget the role she played in the death of our parents' marriage and that everything will continue with no problems or hard feelings. Anyone who's gone through this knows how impossibly difficult that expectation is.

My sister is currently not talking to our dad, but I have made efforts to begin establishing a new relationship with him. I've written him letters and emails to the effect of saying that we need to fix our relationship as father and daughter, and that I am not at a place right now where I am ready to deal with his mistress, let alone have any sort of relationship with her. He seemed to finally get that, and stopped asking me to come up and visit with the two of them together in HER house.

Now, in the first letter I wrote to my dad, I made mention of how I had no idea how my wedding was going to pan out now that he and my mom were apart (they legally separated in September, he can't file for divorce until September of this year, and there's no telling if he will or not). I was given a letter from his mistress in February (there was this whole incident of my dad taking an heirloom brooch that had belonged to my great-grandmother out of my mother's jewelry box when he left and gave it to the girlfriend, who was "returning it to it's rightful owner," meaning me) and in this very manipulative letter, she said that, and I quote, my wedding wouldn't be "tainted" with her presence, and that she wanted my parents to sit together at church and enjoy the day as my parents.

After my birthday in April, I didn't have a "real" conversation with my dad until last Wednesday when I called to tell him that I'd gotten engaged. Now all of a sudden, he's pushing this woman on me again, wanting me and my fiance to go to HER house to visit them, show them the ring, and tell them what we have planned for the wedding.

I'm afraid that my dad is going to try to use my wedding as a way to shove this woman into my life, when I really don't care to have more than cursory contact with her, if that. My sister has already told him that she wants nothing to do with her at all and that she is not welcome at any family function where my sister is present. Further, because my dad is essentially gone from the operational picture, my mom will be the one hosting the wedding and issuing the invitations. I hardly think it's fair to expect my mother to issue an invitation to the woman who her husband had an adulterous affair with and left her for, in part. Further, I also think it'd be pretty hypocritical to have my dad's mistress, with whom he is currently having an adulterous affair (separated is not divorced) and will in the eyes of God always be committing adultery unless my mother gets an annulment, present at the church where my parents were married to see his daughter pledge her love and fidelity to someone. Also, I'm very afraid that to allow her to come would take the focus of the wedding off me and my fiance and place it on them, since my mother's ENTIRE family would probably like to rip them both apart on sight, his family seems to hate her, and my fiance's family will be wondering all day who that woman is with the bride's father.

It's such a touchy subject and I don't know how to explain to my dad how inappropriate I think it would be to include her, and that I don't want to share my wedding details with her. But I still want my dad to be there; I want him to walk me down the aisle and I want to have my daddy-daughter dance. Various people on my mom's side of the family think I shouldn't even invite my dad.

The thing is that I'm afraid that if I make the stipulation, despite having already attempted to make clear to my dad that I don't want to have a relationship with her right now and that as an adult I have that choice, he just won't come. I'm afraid that if he does that, if he can't even choose his daughter first on her wedding day, that it will be the final nail in the coffin and I won't be able to forgive him.

HELP!!!!!!

Answer 1

imo i think you should blantantly say that she is not invited and nothing he can say or do will change your mind. if this does not work then you need to tell him that if he insists on bringing her then he is also no longer invited. i understand you want him there seeing as he is your father. but if she were to come and make things uncomfortable, would it really be worth it? seeing as he has also screwed you over so many times, i applaud you for still making an effort, because i would have stopped talking to him by now like your sister

Answer 2

What you should do is sit down and have a converstation WITH your father and his girlfriend.  Maybe invite them BOTH (as hard as this may seem) to a lunch, schedule it for a hour at a local cafe.This way she is not hearing second hand information from your father and everything can be tackled head on. This will also give you a chance to address her, and your feelings for her and get everything off your chest. Tell her directly first that due to the tension her presence may cause that she is asked NOT to attend the wedding and that it will cause you discomfort if she shows up. Let your dad know that if he can not accept your wishes that he will be asked not to attend. If he loves and respects your wishes, he will leave her at home. If he chooses not to show it may show he needs a lot of rearranging his priorities. It may hurt but it will be better then having people whisper about her during the wedding, or you having to look at someone you dont like during your big wedding day.

If you dont feel comfortable enough to do that, I would write him and her a detailed letter and hand deliever it. Let your dad know that you need him to be a father and to be there for you, but he will need to make a choice as to weither he wants to bring her and sit out side during the wedding or if he wants to come solo. If she shows up any way, I would have a usher kindly ask her to leave.  

Answer 3

You can't accept her.  He has to accept that.  All you can do is call him and tell him that while you would like him at your wedding, she is unwelcome.  Whatever his response, send him an invitation, naming only him, and no guest.  He'll make his own decision.  

Answer 4

You have got to be firm with your Dad ... mention to him that his girlfriend has already told you that she does not expect to attend the wedding and that it is for him and your mum to watch their daughter make her vows etc.

He needs to accept this ... if he doesn't then he is acting childish.  If he does not come to the wedding it is really his loss - please don't let this spoil your special day!  You need to think of your mum and, more importantly, yourself and your fiance!

Good luck and happiness to you both!

Answer 5

Talk to his girlfriend and work it out and explains it to her and if your dad cannot leave the house without her 4 5 hours he isn't your father.

Answer 6

If you are going to honestly go through with repairing the relationship with your father, then you are going to have to accept that dad = mistress.  She's part of his life whether you like it or not and you need to come to terms with that.

All of that said, it wouldn't be inappropriate for you to send an invite only to him but don't be surprised if he turns it down.

Answer 7

You need to get over your feels and just deal with the issue at hand.  

You have made it clear to your father that you want no part of this woman in your life or presence at this time.  

When your mother addresses invitations it should go to him as Mr. Jones, not Mr. Jones & Guest or he is free to invite whoever he pleases.

You should talk to your father now & be firm with him.  Tell him it would mean the world to you that he is at your wedding, walks you down the aisle, and is there to dance with you in the father-daughter dance.  But under no circumstances is his girlfriend welcome at your wedding.  And not only would it be a slap in the face to you, but your whole wedding to go against your wishes.  If he truly feels he can not be apart from his woman for a meer 5 hours that would mean the world to you than it would be best for him not to attend at all, rather than ruin the day for you and others.

Remember to include that this applies to nto only the wedding, but the reception, and any prenuptial meetings or events that he is asked to attend.

If he chooses to not come, than so be it.  At least you will know where his values truly lie in regards to his children.

Also on a side note talk to someone about having a gatekeeper at the wedding and reception to let people into the event, with a list of all guests that have RSVPd.  Not only will this keep out any unwanted guests(feel free to let the person know any specific people to watch for), but also will keep down cost of those rude guests that did not RSVP but show up to the reception and want fed, leading to additional cost in food for you and your budget.

Answer 8

aww my dear. My heart goes out to you. I am in the exact situation. Except BOTH of my parents have done things that make me feel like I am the black sheep of the family. So its a double wammy. I'd love to have my parents at my wedding, however, at this time it's just not feasible. Either way, I'm going to be uneasy. If they are there then I'll be wondering what they are truly doing there cause I can't say for sure that they'd be there to share in my happy day. And if they aren't there then I'll probably be a little sad. But if I did invite them, I would ONLY invite then. Not their home wrecking counterparts. And if they can't deal to be away from them for a day then they don't have to come.

You know when it comes to your wedding, you have to take on the mentality of " It's my way or the highway". This is YOUR DAY and like everyone else, you want it to be perfect (or a close to perfect you can get)!

I hope everything works out for you. And I hope you have the wedding of your dreams! :)

Answer 9

It's traditional that parents of the couple who are not hosting (traditionally the groom's parents, but in this case your dad fits the bill) receive invitations themselves. If he receives an invitation addressed just to Mr. John Doe and his mistress doesn't receive any that should send the hint. It would be in incredibly poor taste for him to bring her, and he should realize that.

I think that you should take the letter from her at face value, and thank her for understanding that her presence would be awkward. (Nothing like assuming people are being truthful to pay them back for trying to manipulate you).  

Answer 10

This is a very touchy situation.

On one hand, etiquette demands a live in girl or guy friend be invited as they are the significant other...and how they became the significant other is irrevelent howver, if this woman were to show up she will be snubbed at best by your family, and probably his so.....

1) Call your father and tell him his mistress will be made deliberately uncomfortable by your mom's family and his, if he insists on bringing her ,her reception at best will be chilly....she will be the subject of frosty stares and whisphers...even rude comments to her face (which they both deserve, BTW)....does he really insist she come and go thru such a 'warm' welcome? You have no control over the behavior of others, and on your wedding day you will not play baysitter...so it's up to him if he want her to come....at least he's warned she will be snubbed all evening long, possibly the recipient of rude comments made to her face

2) You invite only him.....since your mother is hosting the wedding it would be very disrespectful to her to have her husband's mistress in attendance...and you will not disrespect your mother, who has stood by you ALWAYS (he has not) If he comes, he comes.....

3) You invite neither...let him know, citing the fact there is so much hard feelings within the family, your Mom's and his, that to have him at the wedding would be a disaster, and that is not fair to you and your fiance, and his family.

Anyway you go, somebody is gonna be unhappy....go with what you feel will cause less than more hurt feelings...and the adults who created this situation will just have to suck it up...you reap what you sow, and Karma is always a B!-tch...she demands payback and makes sure she gets it...oh well.....he needs to deal with it. he's the one who created the situation.

Answer 11

Can you tell your dad that you appreciate what his gf said about not wanting to ruin your wedding? She said it herself. Sounds like she has no intention of coming to the wedding, unless he forces her to. But if you dont want it, and she doesnt want it,... 2 against 1.  

Answer 12

Holy mother of God.

1. You are right to be upset and yes, it's your prerrogative and an adult and the bride to set the rules.

2. No one can force to "accept" that tramp. Forgiveness is going to take more effort than lame letters and you ahve the right to be hurt and it is up to you to take for as long as it takes to heal your wounds.

3. You wedding is not the place or the moment to impose that home-wrecker on your wedding. This is YOUR show and if you don't want her there I don't blame you.

4. Tell your father that you guys can talk about your relationship AFTER the wedding, and for the mean time, you would like to have your family and family only reunited for A day. Tell him that it's yoru wish and that you hope that X do not take it personal, but this is your day and do not want to bring unnecesary drama/attention to your wedding.

Good luck and congrats!!!

Answer 13

My two cents? Take your father out of the wedding. I know I'm being mean, but if you invite him, he's going to bring his mistress regardless. Your family has been through enough pain, and your wedding day, you want to be able to relax and enjoy your day, not stressing about the presence of the mistress.

Clearly if your father is still shoving the mistress down your throat, not only he's disrespecting you, he's also disrespecting your mother and sister.

Ask your uncle or a Fatherly figure to take your dad's place. Like I said, it's YOUR wedding day, not "DAD and MISTRESS DAY".

Good luck.

Answer 14

Just tell him that out of respect for you and your mother she isn't invited . You would love to have him there but want your day to be perfect it is not the time or place to bring her for introductions.  

Answer 15

It seems to me you are putting all the blame for your parents failed marriage on this woman, when it was your Father who was the one who was committing the adultery! and not the first time by the sounds of it.  While this woman is obviously far from innocent, I don't believe she deserves all the blame while you seem to be forgiving and accepting of your Father's role in this whole thing. How can you say that you don't want her to be in the same church as your parents made vows in (that HE broke!!!) when you want him to walk you down the aisle as if everything were just perfect?!  

I think there are some other issues here that you need to deal with besides your resentment of a 3rd (4th?) party.  

Answer 16

First off, good for you for trying to be the bigger person and have a relationship with your father after what has happened.  I can relate to some degree as after 25yrs of marriage my father left my mother for his therapist.  Like you, I become estranged from my father as well than came to the conclusion that he was my father and should try to have some form of relationship with him.  When I got married almost 2yrs ago, I had to find a way to talk to my father about his "girlfriend" not being welcome.  It is a difficult thing to do but you must remain strong and remember that you have every right to feel the way that you do.  I spoke to my father on the phone and directly told him that my wedding was not the time or the place for his relationship to be broadcast.  I told him that one day I may be able to meet the woman he left my mother for but for now he really needed to understand that I was not ready for that.  I even went so far as to tell him that if he showed up with her I would ask them both to leave and if they couldn't do so peacefully I would have them removed.  My father actually accepted what I said and agreed with me that my wedding was my day and that he would come but not with his girlfriend.  My mother would have been much happier if my father had not been invited but she has since come to see that it was good because he was there for his daughter.  I hope that your father makes the right decision and respects your choices in the matter.  Good luck and congratulations on your wedding.