How can I make my poem better?

Question

the cold air brushes our cheeks

treading this street so oblique

alleyways, back doors so askew

you, thinking i was made for you

a dark, weary, twisting road

our minds share a different mode

amicable songs of your soul

but mine taking a seperate role

surface value has you entranced

at your pity ive barely glanced

you pathetic louse in human skin

carnal desires walk with sin

transported to that solemn place

gloam and darkness, shadow embrace

distorted hallways, concrete dreams

my mind regrets, your mind sleeps.

Answer 1

OMG....LIKE...WHAT DID SHE DO TO YOU???

wait........poooooooh...you forgot to spit

I loved it kid!!

Answer 2

That was great. (I know i'm not being constructive :P but it was)

Answer 3

"...you, thinking i was made for you" i would change one of the you's

and maybe change the line to .. maybe i was made for you

depends as i am looking at this from a completely fresh view and that line may have a greater meaning

Answer 4

I think its very well structured...cant find a reason to improve it.  Good job.

Answer 5

I wish I could help but I don't know how to read

Answer 6

Changes

Cold air brushed our cheeks

Alleyways..... Line needs to be changed, it feels forced

you thinking I was made... needs to be changed, cliched

THE REST is too hard to change, the poem should be dismantled and changed up again. Revision is a never ending process.

Come up with a clear intention before coming back to your poem.

Answer 7

Wow! This is great! Wonderful imagery and I love the slant rhyme in the first two lines and also the last two.

That being said, kill the rest of the end rhyme. There are weak lines that I think could be better if not dictated by rhyme. Line 6 for example.

Lastly, use some punctuation, because I was tripped up in some places. e.e. cummings' style is way overrated. The thing with punctuation and manipulating line breaks is that you get to control exactly what the reader understands - exactly what elements will be emphasized in the reader's understanding. You are forcing your story into their brain, instead of allowing the reader's less enlightened one to take its place. You are very succinctly telling them what to believe - emphasizing your images the way YOU want them to be seen.

Good luck and keep writing.

Answer 8

I'm sorry but I don't see a topic on your poem.

It's not well structure,& I see it really forced.

Let your mind flow,when writing anything.