How can I make the transisition easier for my children?

Question

We have just moved to a new state, new home..I am remarried and my two children are having to adapt to many new changes..my son is 9 and seems to be doing ok..my daughter is 13 and is having a very hard time, we are all having to adjust...and it isnt always easy..I know with time things will get better..but for now the tension and attitudes are making it look so brim....also my new husband is having a hard time adjusting to the kids....He seems to be a little harsh and has too high of expectations when it comes to them adjusting and their attitudes. Shouldnt I take the lead in discipline and such? Where do you draw the line at what amount is ok for him to be involved in? I do not want them to resent him.

Answer 1

I wouldn't expect a 13 yr old to understand what it means to get remarried.  Your husband should be the one to adjust.  When you were dating, your daughter might have expressed her opinions about him.  If her opinion was negative to begin with, there really isn't much you can do about it cuz she never likes him.  But if she used to like him, he should talk to her and try to understand each other.

Answer 2

if hubby is not their daddy, he should not discipline. you should make their rules and develop consiquences for them if they are not followed.

they will resent you and him if you allow him to discipline them.you can try this site. but most older kids resent their step dad's discipline.

http://www.suite101.com/reference/stepfa...

Answer 3

i would not expect your husband to not dicsapline your children. you are married now, which is a partnership. you cannot expect him to live in a home that he has no control over. i have a stepson, and i do not expect him to walk on me just because im not his real parent. your husband contributes to the household 50/50, that means the children.

i personally would let it ride a couple of weeks and watch. when i was first married, i thought the same thing. i had a daughter (9) and a son (5). it seemed my hubby, was all over my kids. in reality, he wasn't. he actullay had problems with the opposite of what i did. i can't handle a child with a smart mouth, backtalk or derogatory language (ex: gaywad, that sucks, s***w off, or general smart mouth.) i don't like them watching rated r tv. etc. my hubby on the other hand treated his son like an adult, which meant he talked and acted like one at the age of 9. he could not stand roughhousing, wrestling around, wildness. he only had 1 child. i had 2 with lots of cousins, so my kids were a little more rowdy. we fought relentlessly because what i perceived as harshness was actually a difference in opinion. i sat back and let him do his thing. i also did mine. i redirected his sons talk, and entertainment. he calmed my kids a little when he was present.

HOWEVER, i can say this because even after my hubby dicsiplining them, he would love them, respect them and formed a great relationship with them. this will not work if he is not father material to begin with. if he is calling them names or yelling about small inconsequential things, slamming things, hitting them etc. then it is a problem that you need to evaluate further. my husband has never laid a hand on my kids, nor i with his son. that is reserved for the parent only we both agree. (our are too old to spank now, anyway) our kids are 12,12 & 8 with one on the way. after we skipped this milestone, it got better. but patience is the key. just watch closeley and if you have to write it down. i did. that way when i got real irritated, i would refer back and then we could talk. he never knew i wrote it down, but i could look back and not forget points to bring to his attention. as far as adjusting, if you have never moved before, it will take time, and that is it. it is normal for the older one to have the problem. mine did. she is leaving friends, etc. try to spend one-on-one time with your kids as much as possible, to let them know not everything will change. but it will take time. been there done that. good luck, and sorry this is so long!!

Answer 4

If your children see you buck his authority and leadership over them, they will surely grow to resent him.  They need to see you back him up and stand behind him.  They need to see that their mom and step dad are a team and that you are working together to love and care for them.

If he is too strict or whatever, talk to him privately, but be willing to compromise.  Just because they are "your"kids doesn't mean he has no say in their up bringing.  

If you want to have a good, strong, marriage, get on his side, not against him.

Answer 5

There are therapists who specialize in this sort of adjustment - give your family court a call and get some recommendations for someone that they can talk to - and your husband as well - it's just to be prepared and to know what to expect.