How can I make this more symbolic? make more meaningful? any suggestions?

Question

He set her up against the stars, laid out across the pitch black night sky.

For she was the only star he saw pooled in the ocean of the unknown.

To him she seemed miles away, yet at the same time there was no distance between them.

Her light burned bright, piercing to his eye.

He felt as if he had seen her in another life, for her image was unforgettable.

He wished on her every night, hoping they were more than just star-crossed lovers.

He wished she would fall from the sky for everyone to see, and land right into his arms.

He hoped that one day, his wish would come true.

Answer 1

You already have most of the symbolisms intact. Good!

All that is necessary is to revise the unneeded words out...words like 'the', 'and', 'as if', etc....see? It will mean the very same after!

Good and...good!

Answer 2

What He Knew to Make of Her

Each night, he set her up

against the stars,

across the night’s sky.

She was the only star

he knew within the unknown.

She was light years away

but near enough to pierce his eye

with her unforgettable image

from another life,

from another universe.

Each night he would pray

she would fall

in splendor for all to see

and land within his arms--

an image true enough to hold.

I tightened up the language a bit and got closer to the bone of your intent, I think, and enhanced the line breaks to create more tension and image involvement and meanings, I hope.

Answer 3

This poem is amazing... you use wonderful figurative language and its full of imagery. The only suggest i have is that the lines don't match up. For example at times the lines are short but then the following line is very long. Try to balance out the poem in that respect but overall Bravo for an amazing poem.

Answer 4

I really like your poem, it is very romantic and has beautiful imagery! I broke the lines at different points so that they didn't run on as much and I re-worked some of the lines. These are just suggestions to do with what you like, from one poet to another. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your poem!

He set her up against the stars,

laid out across a pitch black sky.

For she was the only star he saw,

pooled in the ocean of the unknown.

She seemed miles away,

yet there was no distance between them.

Her light burned bright, piercing his eye.

why was her image so familiar,

so unforgettable?

Had they loved in another life?

He'd place a wish everynight

in hopes of being more,

knowing they had to be more

than star-crossed lovers.

He yearned for her to fall from the sky

for everyone to see,

landing right into his outstretched arms.

One day, someday, he longed

for this wish to come true.