How can I nurture myself as an adult to overcome the effects of being abandoned by my mother as an infant?

Question

Would sleeping with a ticking watch help? Any other advice besides counseling, which I've found useless.

Answer 1

I have found getting involved in activism and changing the way adoption is currently really helps me feel good about it because I know that I'm going to help adoptees in the future.

I took a spiritual re-birthing class and that was awakening, but painful at the same time.

Burning my amended birth certificate feels good to me, speaking of that, i haven't done that in years, maybe I'll do it at the protest this year, who knows.

Blogging helps me feel better, writing out my feelings.

When I was a child I used to rock a lot, i was a rocker. At some point, and i don't remember when, i grew out of it. After having children though we would rock together in our rocking chair each night and I found that to be so soothing to ME. I would sleep better even.

nothing compares to the validation from finding support and validaton from your people, other adoptees. Theresa is right , that support forum is awesome!!

I will leave you with something that I'm telling myself on a regular basis and has helped me:

My feelings are valid just the way they are. I don't have to change them for anyone and they all have every right to be here no matter what emotion they reflect from inside of me.

I am unsure if we can "heal" our primal wounds, but I know that it can and does get easier, and that we can learn to live with them. We are survivors.

Answer 2

My suggestion, weak though it is, is to find a support group of adoptees in your area.  My son, found last year, seems to be benefiting from that.  According to what I've read and what other adoptees have discussed, many suffer from identity and acceptance issues.  My point is that they may have positive suggestions to help you even though they don't necessarily have your experience.  

My two cousins were abandoned by my aunt as toddlers (she ran off with some other guy & just left the kids with a neighbor). My uncle had to abandon his post (he was 3000 miles away) and military career in order to care for and raise his sons.  He died recently and it was clear to me that they still had issues as a result of that abandonment.  Now that they both have families, at least one has finally come to grips with it.  Maybe that is what it will take for you.

Answer 3

You won't like this, but it is not your fault you were adopted. You have found your birth Mother and discovered that she is not a very nice person,.be glad she did not raise you, if time and wisdom have not improved her why should you care? Being adopted is not who you are, being you is. Some Mothers give their child up for the best of reasons, some for the worst. You cannot change the fact that your Mother abandoned you, why do you let it rule your life? She did not abandon the person you are now, she did not know you, it was nothing about you as an individual, she just did not want to have a child in her life at that time. I know as an adoptee it must have affected me in some way, who knows the person I may have been had I been raised by my Mother? At the end of the day that is only guesswork, I am the person I am. She made her choice, subsequent ones have been mine. What is it with the "ticking watch", you are no longer in the womb, you cannot turn back time and make your Mother want you, let it go, you are making too much of it, adoption does not define you, how you deal with it does. My adoptive Mother was c**p, cold and distant, often abusive, in fact I wish now she had let me be re-adopted, but such is life, rise above it. Nurture yourself with what I said, it was not your fault. Allowing it to affect you in this way is your choice.  Good luck. x.

Answer 4

You can begin to realize that God created you for a reason- and the fact that both your birthmother and adopted family didn't understand what a gift you were doesn't say anything about your worth- it only shows something about them. Nothing changes the fact that God created you for a plan and a purpose and He loves you and desperately wants a personal relationship with you. I am not talking about rules and religion here- I am talking about a relationship with God through Jesus that can heal your heart and allow HIM to nurture you and and fill the void in your heart with love and joy. You didn't have parents that understood your worth- that doesn't mean you have to live your life not realizing it yourself. You are a treasure to God, and no matter what you have been through or where you have been, His arms are always open to you.

Answer 5

I don't think you can ever truly get 'over it' - as some people think you should.

For me - it comes in waves - depending on what else is impacting on my life at the time. (ie when I had my children - this was a huge trigger to my feelings)

Theresa and Gershom have given some great ideas.

Writing/blogging has been very therapeutic to me. And finding others that totally understand what you're feeling - and not dismiss any of it - has been amazing.

The adoptee forum mentioned above is also my saving grace -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

It's like the family I never had. I've never found such a caring group of individuals in my life.

Do drop in and see if you feel comfortable.

I wish you all the best - take care of you.

ETA: you were already a member - Phoinix??

I don't remember ever seeing you there - and I try to drop in almost daily.

I'm so sorry if you felt humiliated.

That's very sad.

Did you use another name there??

ETA2: there is another called - 'Phoenix' who is new - but I don't think this is you.

I'm confuzzled.

Please email me thru my profile and let me know who you are.

I'm sad that you felt humiliated.

Answer 6

For the most part I've found counseling useless as well. I have a great therapist right now, but he's been working with and researching adoptee issues for decades, so he understands where I'm coming from. The majority of counselors have been clueless when it comes to adoption.

The two things that have helped me more than anything are writing, and hanging with other adoptees. There's a great forum at http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum - there's no place else like it online.

Answer 7

Have you ever considered searching for your birth mother? It sounds like you might need to for closure.  And, maybe if you change your point of view and perception of being adopted it could help you.  She didn't "abandon" you....she gave you a life.

Answer 8

I'm in counselling which isnt great but better than nothing for now. Its good to talk to others who can sympathise, which my counsellor can.

Sorry to hear about your experiences on adultadoptees.org. I've just joined there and it seems a very friendly place. Perhaps you can give us another try. Or there are other forums adoption.com, adoption threads, etc. Just google adoption forums and you'll find some. I've found them very helpful - its good to know others who have had similar experience. It can be difficult to answer each other's questions, but perhaps we can all help each other find out the answers.

If your adoptive mother isn't interested in you, perhaps it would be easier to cut all contact with her. You don't need someone like that in your life. You're better than that.

Perhaps you could try a new type of therapy? Not counselling, something else, see if its helpful.

But I don't know if we can ever get over the effect that abandonment has on us. I wish we could, but I don't know if we can.

I don't know if you read any adoption books, but they could be helpful e.g. Coming home to self, the primal wound, Joe Soll's adoption healing (v. helpful), 20 life-transforming choices that every adoptee has to make, etc.

I hope it gets better for you x

Possum: I'm the new Phoenix on adultadoptees.org. Sorry to have confused you :-)

Answer 9

Not that I would recommend it, but I have hear some folks who like Dr. Laura's book about crappy childhoods.  

We cannot answer your question because we do not know what feels nurturing to you.  It does not need to be literal -- such as the ticking watch.  It can be symbolic -- such as making sure you read a little bit from a favorite book when feeling sad....or eating an ice cream cone once a month.....or going to the zoo, or cooking some favorite comfort foods once in a while.

But my best suggestion.....take what you need, to be mothered,  and turn it around and give it to someone else.  Be a volunteer at a nursing home.  Walk in and ask, who never gets a visit ever??  Take that person under your wing and make them your special person to visit and leave card for and buy a balloon for and make feel special.  Give what you need to someone else, and it will turn around like a boomerang right into your heart and soul!

The best of luck to you.

Answer 10

Why not look toward your adoptive family for love and support? I think they would be a lot more comforting than a watch.

Answer 11

Please do not feel bad or out of place.  You are special because out of the many children available for adoption, you are chosen by your adoptive parents. You are unique.  Parents dont have a choice when they have their baby. They  have to accept the baby whatever it looks but you are special because they loved you when they saw you and they chose you.  There is already a special bond in that.  Maybe one way or the other, you just cant be conceived by your adoptive parents, but you were born to be with them.  Accept them as your parents with open arms because it is meant to be.  You are meant to be with them