How can I put a stop to my mom's habit of asking to borrow money?

Question

She doesn't have a car. She gets foodstamps and my brother helps her buy groceries. 9 times out of 10 she is not asking for a loan because she is in need. If she were in need I would help if I had the money. However, she has usually over spent (with bills, weed habit, etc.) and needs to recover from that ... or she was a point to where she had to pay all her bills and doesn't have any left for the weed.

Answer 1

If you're okay with lending your mom money for weed, and your hubby isn't, give her your own money that you would spend personally on yourself. But don't give your mom too much, because in reality you're helping her slowly kill herself.

Answer 2

I am sure that she does not like to ask to borrow money.  Nobody does.  It is humiliating to do that..especially with your own family.  But she DID raise you by herself, and apparantly did a good job.  If you can, buy her some groceries, or put gas in her car, just don't make her feel like she is begging.  You would not be here without her.  She deserves the help.

Edit: With your NEW info about the drug abuse....urge her to get HELP!! She has a problem.

Answer 3

Unfortunately, with years of precedent that have gotten her hundreds if not thousands of dollars from you, this is going to be a hard habit to break.

If you want to understandably avoid confrontation, start making excuses when she asks you for money.  You don't have to necessarily lie, but allow the clear conclusion that you can't lend her the money.  You can say you don't have cash on you to give you; you can say you had an unexpected bill come up and money is tight for you right now; you can even say your husband is starting to ask questions about all the money you are giving her (if he agrees that is okay).

If she doesn't take the hint, then you may have to become more firm or straightforward: tell her you don't mind lending her money every once in a while but it's gotten out of hand.  I wouldn't mention the marijuana usage because then it will turn into a bunch of accusations; just tell her it's starting to put a strain on you.

Her pride may take an initial blow and things may be awkward for a while but it would be a small price to pay to curb this habit.  If things don't blow over, you may have some bigger problems to assess as you figure out if her sole motivation for being involved in your life is to nickel and dime you.  Good luck and I hope it works out for the best.

Answer 4

This is a hard question with no easy answers. You need to think about what you want, and what is attached to your decision. Obviously, just saying "no" doesn't work. You will either need to cut yourself off from her for awhile, or stay around and keep giving her money.

If you decide you really want to say "no" and mean it, you will have to follow through with your decision. That means ABSOLUTELY NO LENDING - NADA!!! She will play all of the guilt games with you. You'll have to be ready for that. You need to be able to look her in the eye and say, "Mom, you make it hard for me to be around you. Every time you ask for money I worked hard to make, it makes me angry and frustrated. I feel like you're just using me. When you want to spend time with me (or us, since hubby is included) and not ask me for money, give me a call." AND LEAVE IT AT THAT. Don't go around her if she keeps behaving in the same way. Really, that's the only way you're going to change her behavior. Even then, it might not work out, because she may choose to not change her behavior. You have to decide if it's worth it.

One other thought: You might want to put your mom on an "allowance" . Tell her you're sick of dishing out money and that you have a lot of financial responsibility already. Tell her that you will give her a reasonable allowance every month, and both of you STICK TO IT. You decide what is reasonable.

In the end, the only way you will change your mom's behavior is to change your own. Unfortunately, none of the choices are easy. But, if you do make a change it might make your life less frustrating. Good luck.

Answer 5

Just say NO.

Answer 6

Read these books:

Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life (Hardcover)

by Linda Martinez-Lewi

How to Talk to a Narcissist (Hardcover)

by Joan Lachkar

Answer 7

First of all, you do not OWE her for raising you or how hard that must have been for her.  That was her responsibility - not your debt.  As far as "loaning" her money - does she pay it back?  If she does, I would loan it to her.  But I bet she cannot afford to pay it back with her low income.  So, it is more of a "gift" to her.  And there are only 2 reasons to give her money - 1) to ease your own guilt or 2) she NEEDS the money.  Since it is not the second reason, you are trying to ease your guilt over having more cash available than she does.  It doesn't really matter what she is using it for - she could buy her dope and then ask you for grocery money - she is feeling "entitled" to your money.  I think the solution is to tell your every time she asks that you will have to speak to your husband about it is his money too.  I bet she quits asking if you can say something like ""Joe" and I discussed it and we agree that it is not in our budget at this time".  There is nothing wrong with you saving for your own future, or making decisions that do not leave money for loans.  Another method would be to tell her when she is not asking that you and "Joe" had a talk and have agreed to not loan money to anyone for xx years so you can save for "whatever".  That way, when she asks again, and she will, you can remind her of your and "Joes" agreement.  Hope this helps you!

Answer 8

well, maybe you can help her find a job where she can stay at home an make money, like babysitting or catering. if not, then you should just let her know that you have bills to pay too and as much as you' like to help, you are unable to for a while. hope this helps.

Answer 9

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