How can I reassure my daughter that she does not owe me loyalty when it comes to her First Mother?

Question

Keep in mind she is ten yrs old. She has told me that she had a dream that her First Mother and I were fighting over who loved her more.

I told her that her First Mother and I love her with all our hearts. That if I had a problem with Fmom or if she had a problem with me, we would work it out together as adults.

I told her that she should not have to choose between either one of us. She can have us both. (as she is in contact with her Fmom and family)

I reassured her that we love her and we are her family. She belongs here with us and no one is going to take her away. (another concern she had) That Fmom chose us as her parents and that how it is going to stay. Fmom is also family and loves you like your grandparents and uncles and aunts.

I've told her that she can tell me anything and i will not judge her or have my feelings hurt. I just want to support and guide her. With all this being she still will tell me I have the best family ever, I love my family, I wouldn'

Answer 1

At this age, she will probably feel uneasy at first. On one hand there's her biological mother, who gave birth to her and was probably the first person she was ever special to. On the other hand there's you, her 'adopted' mom. You've been there through most of her life, and, whether she knows it or not, trying to help her through all life's struggles and hardships. You've been there with her through the good, the bad, and the ugly. She probably knows this and is most likely having trouble who is more important, the loving birth mother or the reassuring 'adopted' mother. Just give her some time and don't push at it. The best thing to do is talk to her birth mother in private to discuss your adopted daughter's feelings. Then maybe she can talk some sense into your daughter. Just know that deep down she cares about the both of you and is only trying not to hurt either of you. I expect this has put her in a very difficult position, and all you really can do is care for her through her through this hard time.

Answer 2

It sounds like you are very much in touch with what's going on and just want to be sure you are giving her enough freedom and enough love -- which is wonderful. She probably does need time -- time to understand, time to grow, time to figure out how she feels and why and if it matters or not, as well as time with you -- which she may be feeling insecure about if you are ill. I would just reassure her -- as you are doing -- that you both love her so very much. And that she is so very lucky because most people do not have such intense love coming from two people. She has both of you to love her unconditionally, and even though she may not be mature enough to see it just as that -- she will some day and she will grow to understand and feel that incredible gift of love that she has from both of you.

Just as a recommendation because I think it's such a good book -- called, "Did My First Mother Love Me?" -- is wonderful and about just what it says -- adoption from the birthmother's point of view in "talking" to her baby about the decision to give her up for adoption knowing how great her love is. It's a great book and the only one like it that I know of.

Answer 3

Perhaps with your health issues she is feeling like she might loose you and is simply reassuring you of her love.

My daughter is also 10. She also has an open relationship with her bio mom and we often have conversations about the love she has for both myself and her bio mom. I'm always very open with her in reassuring her that my feelings would never be hurt by her expressing love or feelings toward her bio mom. I know there's a deep connection there and I would never want her compromise that for me.

One day she even said, "I think I love (bio mom name) more because she gave life to me, but some days I love you more". I told her that was OK to feel that way and I was actually happy to hear her say this because it showed me that feels free and comfortable to express her feelings the way she wants to.

So I think reassurance to have freedom of expression is important. All of what they feel is OK and not a threat to you. She might need some extra reassurance from you now to know that you are going to be OK too.

Answer 4

"She has told me that she had a dream that her First Mother and I were fighting over who loved her more."

I think her dream was about her inner battle of trying to figure out who she is suppose to love more.

I like what "cam" said about her daughter saying sometimes she loves her birth mother more and sometimes she loves her adoptive mother more.  It might be something your daughter is confused about feeling.

Answer 5

it sounds like your doing a brilliant job already x

Answer 6

I don't have an answer but I am interested in the answers you get. I am in a very similar situation. I am adopting my step daughter and her first mom is still in her life.

In fact, her first mom spent the weekend with us this weekend. Her first mom has some disabilities that make her unable to parent my step daughter or be able to take care of her by herself.

My step daughter is 18 months old and I always want her to know she is loved by BOTH of her mothers. I don't ever want her to feel bad about her adoption or her first mother's inability to parent her.

Good Luck with your daugher. I hope I can do as good a job with my daugher.

Answer 7

I don't know.  I'm just sort of in awe of you right now, really.  I'll think on it...

Answer 8

wow... i'm speechless... and will comment in private. you should hold a master-class on how to be an aparent.