How can I stay strong while breaking it off with my criminal fiance?

Question

Three months ago I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. He has been in and out of jail, the longest period of time being 2 months (Nov – Jan…the holiday months). He just got arrested yesterday and will probably be in jail or worse for the next few months. I feel like this is the time when I need to face my fears of being alone, and step out on my own. He has a heart of gold, and I know he loves me, but at the same time I know he can never truly respect me because he doesn’t respect himself. Every time he gets in trouble with the law, he seems to get his self straight and swears to change, but by the fourth and fifth time around, I know he won’t. At least he won’t change with the things I’ve tried to say and do with him to help him. If we are supposed to be together then maybe it will happen later on down the road when I have set my standards a little higher. Right now, I just need words of wisdom and advice from anyone who feels they could help. I still have to break the news to my parents and friends. This means that the engagement is off, and to me that means I failed with this relationship. I guess I’m okay with that though, nobody is perfect. What I really want to know though is: what are the best things I can do for myself right now?

Answer 1

no no no, you didnt fail.  its him who failed, he failed YOU. you may not have chosen the best guy for you morally, though emotionally it felt right. my best friend dated this guy who yeah he was sweet to her but he was also 18 and she was 15. they dated for about 8 months and ever since i met him i knew he'd be trouble. skipping all the drama in between, he got really bad. he'd always trip on acid or "triple C" [three bottles of cough medicine] and say all these terrible things to her an dhe wouldnt know what he was doing. then when he was sober he'd be all sad [and he's a real ghetto kid ya know] and he'd say stuff like "oh i do all this **** and i'm kicked outta my house and i'm losing everything and i cant take it" think of it as when this kid was high, its like your fiance in jail. when hes' sober, its like your fiance when he's out of jail and says he'll change, though he doesnt. you know that you can never have a life with this person, especially children. is it fair to them to have their father in and out of the house for months at a time due to reasons they're too young to understand? not only is it not fair to them its not fair to YOU. when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, it doesn tmean a few months at a time sporadically throughout the year, it means 24/7 365 days a year. you need to leave this person. its better for yourself, your future, and probably the people around you. and yes, raise your standards. its fun to be single! date lots of randon guys, have fun [SAFE fun if you know what i mean ;-) ] and maybe you'll find someone really special. if one day this person who you're leaving really does decide to change FOR GOOD, maybe fate will cross your paths again and maybe then you two will be ready to be with each other and create a life and a family. dont be afraid of being alone. you don't need a man to make you who you are. you have your friends and your family, and you know that they are always there to support you and make you happy. above anybody, they love you most of all. after you break the news to your fiance, maybe go back to your parents house or your best friends house for a week or a weekend or so..take a trip to the beach or something so you can spend time with people you love while your coping with this pain, instead of sitting at home alone and feeling sorry foryourself. hope this works for you :]

Answer 2

you are doing it for you, and it's everyones elses problem to deal with

or just smoke some pot  

Answer 3

Break it off clean, neat, and permanent.

Make sure he KNOWS that it's over between you.

If he gives you any trouble, don't hesitate to tell

everyone you know, and the police, that he's giving

you a hard time about breaking up.

Then get on with you life without a backward glance.

He ain't worth it.

Answer 4

You must have a big heart... not him...I can tell you really care about this guy. You sound like you already know what you need to do but you just need reassurance that you are doing the right thing. YOU ARE. Please walk away. It sounds like you have put your everything into this relationship and no he will not change not if you are there helping him and not firm with him... in other words you are enabling him. I am sure he apologizes and says he will get strait and he probably deep down wants to but if he always has you to catch him when he falls he will never learn. Some people really do need to hit a brick wall or fall flat on their faces to wake up. I understand what you mean when you say you feel like a failure beacause you put your all into helping him and he is not doing what he needs to do. But realize you are not a failure. We can only do so much for people they need to want it themselves. Just occupy your time by going to the gym, doing something you have always wanted to do like dance lessons, anything to occupy your time. I'm glad you finally realized and got fed up becase if you were married and then realized this it would be far worse then you really would be invested.if you are meant to be you will see him in the future. For all you know this may be a growing and learning experience for you, and your real guy is around the corner.

good luck!

Answer 5

The best thing you can do for yourself is end this relationship.

You write:  This means that the engagement is off, and to me that means I failed with this relationship

No, this does not mean you failed.  This means you have wised up, made a good decision, and started taking care of yourself.

I am sure your parents and your friends will be happy to hear it.  Marriage to a criminal is not a wise decision.

I suggest that you take a class, join a gym, learn a new hobby.  Stay busy.  Work on improving yourself.  Make you the best you that you can be, and stop associating with criminals.

Read this book:

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends

by Bruce Fisher (Author)

It is available at amazon.com.

Answer 6

yes, it would be wise if you set your standards a little higher.  he has other priorities, and you arent on that list.  

what are you doing with a guy who has been in jail once, much less over and over?  are you kidding?  and you think you have failed?  you arent his mommy.  he is a fully functioning adult and these are his choices.  take yourself out of the equation, you are not that important to him in the first place, or he would be doing honorable things to achieve goals the two of you have set for your future.  

get a grip.  you wont be alone, you will be free of this drama and draining and frankly idiotic way of going thru life.  dont try to save him, save yourself.  he is doing exactly what he wants, dont you realize that?  no one put a gun to his head for him to put a gun to someones head, haha, get it?  

while you are here going thru all this anguish about him, guess what, he is not thinking one bit about you.  so return the favor, face reality, and run because you dont want his next crime to be criminal stalking.  

Answer 7

He's in jail and you think you failed?  A relationship is not something you win or have to succeed with.  It's a relationship.  You grow, dream and succeed together.  If you need help staying strong to break up with a criminal with no intentions of supporting you, then you need professional help.

Answer 8

The best thing you can do for yourself is announce the engagement is off.  Talk to your friends, and take it one day at a time.  Change is hard but you don't have to let it scare you.  You're stronger than you think.  

First of all, don't take the blame for this.  It wasnt' meant to be.  You have grown and matured, and he either hasn't or has some personal demons he needs to face.   YOU did not fail the relationship. It happens.  In my opinion, He failed with adulthood.  He seems to get straight, but really doesn't.  

You will find the strength to be strong once you believe you deserve  better, and you don't need someone.  It sounds like you have decided to stand up for yourself by yourself and THAT, my friend is what will give you the strength to perservere.  

Talk to your parents and friends and let them be your support system.  It's okay to be sad when a relationship ends.  It's also okay to not burden yourself with a bunch of guilt that will keep you tied the the same type of person.

Best of luck to you for much well-deserved happiness in the future

Answer 9

You sound like a pretty strong person with a good heart and sensible head on your shoulders. I think you know what you need to do, but just need a reminder to not let your emotions get in the way of what you know is right.

Your boyfriend is obviously not in the frame of mind to embark on a marriage or even be in a real relationship. He has to get himself straight first, and not just promises, but really turn himself around.

What I suggest to you is to cut yourself from him as much as you can. You need to move in another direction for your health, sanity, and safety. If you can, get counseling. It will be good to talk out your feelings with someone equipped to give you the personal advice you need.

Remember you need to put yourself first now. Don't be ashamed of this relationship being called off. It's better that it happened before the marriage, and it's not your fault. It's time for you to define yourself and what you really want from life and a lifemate. It's not a person who commits crimes and lies.

Don't be afraid to be on your own. From where I stand, you are a great person with a caring heart, smart, and I think it sounds like you're ready to be independent. You can do it!

Best of luck