How can I stop feeling guilty about my son's disability?

Question

My son has epilepsy and learning difficulties. He's 3 years old. He's not intellectually disabled but does have some problems and is behind in some areas. I can't stop blaming myself. Even though there is a history of epilepsy in the family, two things occurred which could have explained why he didn't develop normally. I had a hot bath in my second trimester, he fell and hit his head when he was 6 months old (he threw himself back out of my arms when I was sitting). I feel like if I'd been more careful he'd have a happy, normal life without all these complications. I feel like he's not the person he should have been. I love him absolutely, but I don't feel like I let him reach his potential. He is in all kinds of therapy and I'm at home with him when he's not at preschool. But how to get rid of the guilt? I can't just let it go.

Answer 1

l have two children that l am forever grateful that are healthy. But my daughter fell out of her carseat and onto my driveway headfirst, l jammed her finger in the door and had to open the door to get it out. She also fell and hit her mouth on a concrete drain when she was very little. Yes l did fall over too when l was pregnant with both children. We all have hot baths during our pregnancys. I had food poisoning with my first.Just because these things happen does not mean its your fault he has problems.Many many things like that happen to many children all over the world and noone can be blamed. These incidents are not to blame for what sometimes are challenges for you. You are not to blame for whats happened and there would not be a single study in the whole world that will confirm what you believe.I am not a big believer in God but l believe fate (or God) deals you with whatever they think you can handle. (l guess thats why my children are healthy) We all like to believe that our children are perfect and that everything we do will be positive for them. We don't want to fail them. Stop with the what ifs they are not helping you, believe that what you are doing to help your son now,  the unconditional love and support, will live with him forever. Look to the positive l am sure he is the most beautiful little boy that everyday makes you smile. Yes he is what you made him but look at the beautiful little boy you made. No - one is perfect, we just show it in different ways.

Answer 2

If hot baths & banged heads result in learning diffculties,... it would banned!  & I would have all disabled kids.!    

You are not to blame for this........

Disabled & developmentally dealyed kids are only given to special parents .. coz they are the ones who can cope best!

You just dont realise what a special parent you are!

As for letting him reach his potential.. you will.  It takes time for you both to adjust & learn each others expectations.  He will fight you for independence when he is ready.. & will let him have it!

Answer 3

look on the bright sight,he's alive and  he does not need to stay in the hospital,and can walk,run,talk,eat,sleep,play.

dont worry be happy

Answer 4

Talk with your Pastor.

Answer 5

the hot bath and the fall, has nothing to do with it. you have to start to believe it..your son needs a strong mum, not a guilt-broken mum.

i think you should learn more about epilepsy and you'll learn that you don't get epilepsy, because your mum had a hot bath.

also, lots of mums will tell you that their baby fell and hit their head at some point or another. my brother did, so did my niece. and they're both healthy adults. your son has epilepsy, because it was in his genes, not because you did something wrong. it's not like you did drugs or consumed alcohol. you had a healthy pregnancy right? so you did everything possible to have a healthy baby, and nothing that we can do as parents will ever protect them 100% from harm and pain, although we'd really like that.  

so don't do this to yourself? guilt feeling could lead you to break-down and your son needs you. just be there for him, and try to make him show off the best in whatever he sets to do! that's our job!

Answer 6

Okay, well first of all you have to realize that dwelling on the past will not solve anything. As he gets older he will start to pick up on your guilt. The best thing to do is look towards the future and think of ways you can have fun with him and help him learn at the same time. If there is a history of epilepsy in the family tree. Then most likely it's not your fault, your son isn't going to blame you for something you can't help onless you give im the inaccurate idea that you can help it or you could have prevented it. Just as one bit more piece of information, pertaining to the hot bath, 85% of pregnant woman cheat on some of the rules. chances are that didn't really harm anything though i'n not recommending it to anybody else, don't beat yourself up over it. Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 7

You had one hot bath, and he fell and hit his head as a baby once?

Sounds to me like you were far MORE careful than most people are.

We all think "what if" - it's completely normal. What if I'd breastfed my son for longer, would he not be so tiny? What if I'd noticed sooner that my daughter needed glasses, would her vision be better than it is? Nobody's perfect - and you're a much better mum for continuing to think about how you can do better than if you just brushed it off. There's a fine line between blaming yourself and always trying to do better in the future - use your guilt to stay the "doing better" side of the line and you'll be a great mum, just like you are already. The bad parents are the ones who think they are wonderful and perfect.

Answer 8

The hot bath had nothing to do with that. Neither did the fall - do you know how many times mu kids fell as infants? Not necessarily from me and not necessarily from very high above the ground, but they fell. They also bumped their heads a lot. All kids do, it's a part of growing up. Your son is the way he is because of genetics. You could not have changed that in any way. Remind yourself everyday that you love him and never want anything to happen to him and that he's perfect just the way he is. Don't treat him like a baby, he's growing up. Kids with disabilities tend to be coddled and they tend to not like that. They just want to be normal. So if you are going to follow him on the playground and make sure he doesn't fall and get a scratch - ask yourself this: Would I do this if he wasn't 'disabled'? If the answer is no, go sit back down on the bench and watch your son enjoy himself. Trust me, he will have a much better life if you just let him be a kid. For the areas he's behind in, work with him. Get some pre-school workbooks and go over things, he might even be ahead then. Go over basic skills that he doesn't quite yet grasp. Work with him and help him, but don't coddle him. He's your special boy, no matter how he was born. If he ever asks you about his 'problems', tell him that you don't care what the doctor said was wrong with him, because to you, he is the smartest, most special little boy ever. Be glad that something worse didn't happen.

And there I go on and on....lol.

Answer 9

Tell you what, I think it's really the gene that runs in your family. We don't have any cases in ours, I loved hot showers and even sat in a hot tub once (water just below my belly button) when I was pregnant, and at 5 months he fell off the bed (crawled during his sleep) and he's fine.

Maybe one day you'll get tired of blaming yourself and feeling guilty about something that is totally out of your hands. I'm like that, you see. I find it hard to get over my mistakes and regret a lot of things and I just get tired of dwelling on them and I just move on. You could do the same. Just let it go. He's only 3. He may be behind in some, but does he realize it? Does he care? He will find his rhytm and his own way of figuring things. You're providing him with opportunities just by putting him in preschool and therapy. If he's a happy child, you should be happy too. You're a good mommy and you know that because you're doing whatever you can, right? He'll be okay. Don't stress yourself out like this.

Answer 10

I don't know who led you to believe that this was your fault or something that you did wrong, I don't think any of the things you described had anything to do with it,Just keep on loving him the way you do,nobody can really say how these things come about,its out of our hands,I'm sure his life won't be so different from everyone else's and while he has your love he will be happy, you have to stop blaming yourself for you and for him, I don't think he blames you,

Answer 11

I have worked with kids with disabilities of all levels for 5 years.  PLEASE dont blame yourself for a single thing.  I have 2 boys and I couldnt tell you how many times the have banged their heads and fallen over.  You havent done a single thing wrong.

You sound like a great mother and he is very lucky to have you.  The epilepsy is hereditary and can also cause slight developmental delays!!

You have a precious child......chin up honey!!!

x*x

Answer 12

Remind yourself that it takes special parents to have special needs kids.... i am sure you are doing the best job you know how to do. bless you and your family!