How can I stop my daughter's friend from coming over?

Question

My daughter and her friend are 5. Her friend was over last week, and has the most horrid behavior I've ever seen in a child. She's disrespectful, doesn't listen, throws tantrums... the list goes on.

The problem is, for some reason she's my daughter's best friend. They're in the same class and play together. After school, though, my daughter always wants to have her come over.

I dont want her over because of her behavior (she really is a nightmare), but it will break my daughter's heart if I told her that. I also feel awful for not letting her have her over. Am I being a terrible mother?

Or do I have the right to refuse her coming over? I'm also running out of excuses as to why she can't come over... help please!

Answer 1

Ah that's a hard one because you probably don't want her impacting on your own daughter's behaviour either. Well if your daughter is intent on being friends with her, then you have to tackle her behaviour rather than their friendship. You have probably two ways of doing this. Either allow her to come over for a short period of time when you are able to monitor them closely. When she plays up, discipline her (don't smack her but tell her off sternly or don't allow her to have any candy). Otherwise, approach her parents. Try not to be too critical as no one likes to be told that their children are bad. Just be subtle.

Answer 2

I understand your frustration, but the first and most positive thing you can do is look at this as "How can I get this situation to work?" instead of "How can I keep her out?" You're probably at your wit's end, but try to think optimistically and see if this might work, okay?  First - I always found it much more productive to avoid involving the parents if at all possible. Every one of my kids had such a friend and that friend, believe it or not, eventually became one of my favorites.

I always made my "kid rules" clear as day to every child who walked in the door and emphasized that my own were held to the same rules. First I suggested that my child remind their friend of the rules that were being broken. If that didn't work, I would talk to the child directly - in the presence of my own child, so they didn't feel so overwhelmed - this "team work" approach seemed to help a lot.The 3 of us would discuss (making sure your child is on the "partners in crime" end, not the "2 on 1" end. I would tell the child how very much I loved having them come over, but that I just couldn't let anyone break rules. I would ask them if they wanted to keep coming over (some just said, "nope", lol), most did want to keep coming over, loved being involved in the process (especially the part about "we don't need to call your parents, because you can make this decision yourself"), and did their best to comply. Sure it might take a few reminders, but most kids, by nature - LOVE to be part of the team and are honestly not completely aware of how their behavior affects others. 5 is NOT too young for this approach - in fact, it's perfect.

Answer 3

i think you can't beat a child..you just need to widen ur understanding...ur a mom right...ahmm i think the least u can do is show and make her feel that u don't want a disrespectful child..just make it smooth..so u will not hurt her feelings...

Answer 4

It is really hard to do something that will upset your own child but at the same time you have to think of the influence the other child has on your own. They do start to mimic behavior.

I would talk to your child and let then know that you don't mind her friend but that you do not agree with the behavior. Children are not an stupid as people play them down to be.

My son is 6 and has a little friend who is very much rude, but turns out his mama didn't know he was acting like that....it was all about what he could get away with else where.

Then talk to the parent, maybe it is the way the child only acts with other people. They very much like to push buttons.

Just remember you are the parent and to be strong...those cute little eyes can break you heart, but it is better to handle things sooner rather then later.

Answer 5

Talk the parents. If they're no good try guiding the little girl--but remember she's only 5 no kid at 5 can control themself. I know I couldn't.

Answer 6

if this girl has bad behaviour at your house then you are the responsible adult for her and you need to deal with it the same way you would if it was your daughter!

Answer 7

You're the mother.  Say no.  Of course you have 'the right'.  

Be honest with your daughter.  Teaching honesty begins with you.  Tell her she doesn't follow the rules at your house and will not allow her to come over until she learns she must follow the rules and listen to you.

Remember, you're the adult.

Answer 8

The next time Little Friend comes over, sit her down and have a talk with her.   Tell her, "In our house, we have some rules that children have to obey.  They have to use nice manners, say 'please' when they want something, and 'thank you' when they get it.   They must listen to what adults tell them to do, and they cannot throw tantrums if they don't get their way.  Do you think you can obey these rules, so you can keep visiting us?"

Give her a fair chance to try....perhaps another couple of visits, with gentle reminders if she "forgets."  If you've given her the opportunity to change her behavior and she just refuses, put an end to the visits.  Then tell your daughter, "I'm sorry we can't let your friend come over anymore, but we told her what the rules were, and she can't obey them.  Maybe when she's older, she'll learn how to behave better and we can try again."  And stick to your guns.

Answer 9

lay down the rules in your house that certain behaviour will not be tolerated and if she bahaves like this then she will have to go home. Call the mum and explain that her daughter is upset or "must be tired" as she is being naughty and you think she needs to come get her

Answer 10

first off... you are NOT being a terrible mother. not everyone raises a well behaved child that minds. just remember... you are the parent and you get to say yes or no. maybe you can tell her that it is sometimes best if she spends time with other children as well as her bad behaved friend... for example, emma came over last weekend, maybe lucy will want to come over. best of luck :0)

Answer 11

First off, don't lie to your daughter about this.  She is old enough now to learn from this situation.  Tell your daughter what the problem is, but don't say it in a way that makes her think you don't like her friend.  Say something like, "I was really unhappy about the way Sally acted when she was here last time.  You know that we don't throw tantrums and that we have to listen, but Sally doesn't seem to want to follow the rules, so it makes me unhappy when she is here."  

If you are firm about never letting the child over again, then just tell your daughter, you can play at her house, but until she learns better manners, she can't play here.  

Otherwise set out the ground rules with your daughter before the visit...if Sally misbehaves she is going home immediately...and set the rules out with Sally as well.  Tell her firmly that while she is in your home, she will do as she is told, she will not backtalk you or throw a tantrum, and if she does, she will have to leave and won't be allowed to come back for a period of time (maybe a week).  There is no reason you can't lay down the law with a child who you are supervising.

I really don't think it is fair to just not allow your daughter to play with her anymore, at least as long as her behavior isn't rubbing off on your daughter.  Perhaps your tough rules and your daughter's example will teach her how she should act, at least at your house.

Answer 12

Talk to her parents and sort something out

Answer 13

Talk to the parents and maybe your daughter can go to her house instead.

Answer 14

You have a duty to protect your DD, not have her "like" you. I wouldn't ban the girl altogether at once, but start weaning them immediately. At this age, they'll both find someone else easily. When she comes over uninvited, keep saying your DD is busy and have her come back another time. Start arranging other playdates and activities so she IS busy. I wouldn't go to the girl's parents unless they come to you -- it will just cause bad feelings. (No one wants to admit thier kid is a loser.) Your actions will say all. If they ask, I'd save their feelings and just say you've been busy. If they still don't get the hint, THEN you can be more fothcoming. Are you seeing these same behaviors in your DD? That's the case in point.

Answer 15

You have a duty as a mother to protect your family and house.  If the girl's behavior is unacceptable then you have every right to refuse her from coming over.  Your daughter may not like it but we must live our lives the best we can, not according to the wishes of others.

Answer 16

you're the parent and if you do not feel good about having the little girl over because of her behavior, then i just won't have her over.Your daughter just has to understand your reason on why you don't want her over.As for the excuses i d k what else you can say than just coming right out and telling the mom of the little girl the real reason why you don't like her daughter over at your house, but that's all i can think of, there are no excuses you can make for a child that acts horribly, so i would just i guess tell the mom the truth.Of course you risk getting a cuss out from the mom, but other than that, who cares right!, as long as she isn't there at your house...LOL!! Good luck anyhow.

Answer 17

I don't think you can ban her little friend. Plus the kid is five so cut her a break. Maybe she just has not been taught any better. or maybe she needs firm boundaries set. LIke..sindy we don't throw our food on the floor and kill the goldfish in our house. we are kind and we try and act gently. if we are angry we can share out feelings in a nice way"  that kind of c**p. i reckon that will go down real well. I know its a hassle but its also a good way of teaching your daughter how not to behave.

Answer 18

Try what I did. i told the kids hwo were over, even the young ones, the rules. None of what you listed above. If they misbehaved I reminded them once what was not allowed, next time I sent them home. Believe it or not the kids usually behaved.  I wanted the kids to play at my house so I'd know where they were so most of the time things went well.

Good luck.

Answer 19

Talk to her parents and work out a compromise

Answer 20

YOU are the parent...YOU are the one who controls who comes into your house.  She's 5 and needs for you to be influential in who she chooses for her friends.  It is your responsibility to do what's best for her...not to do what makes her feel good.

Answer 21

You are the parent. As such, it is your responsibility to act in the best interest of your child. If you are afraid that this girl's behavior will affect your child, or your child's behavior in a negative way, then you should separate your child from the situation. If the parent of the other asks why, tell her. As hard as it might seem, it would be best for your child, and it might prompt the parents of the other child to do some proper parenting.

Answer 22

it's hurting you more not to tell your daughter than it would hurt her to tell her no

you have every right to tell her no

why don't you talk to the girls parents and suggest that your daughter go to her house for a while

maybe even have her parents over while she plays with your daughter to observe said behavior

chances are, that she will not take advantage of you in the same way with her parents around

maybe you should ask her parents how she acts at home,. then ask your daughter how the other girl acts at your house in comparison to how your daughter acts at the other gils house

as for excuses, just say that she learns how to behave herself at another person's house that she won't be coming over

Answer 23

YOU MIGHT AS WELL FORGET A QUIET DAY ,WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS IT ONLY MEANS THEY WILL HAVE FRIENDS AND MORE FRIENDS ,YOU COULD MOVE TO A FARM WITH NOT A HOUSE WITHIN 10 MILES YOUR CHILD WILL STILL HAVE CONTACT WITH FRIENDS,WE HAD THEM AND IM SURE YOU HAD FRIENDS WHEN YOU WAS A KID,ITS LIFE SOME ARE GOOD AND SOME ARE WILL YOU PLEASE JUST LEAVE.GOOD LUCK.

Answer 24

WHY CAN'T YOU TRY TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM ? TRY SPEAKING TO HER MOTHER . NOT ALLOWING THE GIRL TO COME HOME IS FINE BUT HOW WILL IT HELP IN SCHOOL ? TRY COUNCILLING THE LITTLE ANGEL .TRY BEING HER MOTHER .GOD BLESS.AMEN.

Answer 25

Talk to her parents and work something out.

Answer 26

Where is her mom because if she wants to come over each day, shouldnt her mom be picking her up or knowing where she is?

Answer 27

You are a horrible mother. Put up with her.

Chances are your kid is just the same.

Answer 28

Don't make excuses...they are lies.

You have rules in your home.  Anyone - even a best friend - who cannot follow those rules can't come over.

Believe me, your daughter will survive.  She might even be relieved.  She will certainly move on to another best friend.

This is YOUR home.

Answer 29

Refuse her presence. No need to tolerate bad behavior. Call her parents and state your desires. Be firm but, polite. No other way about it.  Good luck!