How can I stop my manipulative mother from ruining my relationship?

Question

My mother always seemed to try to ruin or end my friendships when I was a child....now that I am engaged, she is trying to ruin that.

Well...she SAYS she wants us together, but:

* She claims that his mother's culture is barbaric and uncouth and will not accept any gesture of kindness from his family

* She nice...but 'hot and cold' with my fiance, which confuses him

* If I spend a good chunk of time with him, 'something' happens: she gets mad at me, claims I don't care about her, silent treatment, a big argument erupts...

She knows exactly how to get under my skin and reel me in. How can I stop her and not let her ruin our relationship?

Answer 1

Actually you can't. Take it from me because we have a same mom. What i did? If you are in the right age you can decide what you can do whatever she do and say. Don't answer her back just listen to her then you are old enough to decide. She can only ruin your relationship  if you allow her too. I mean just ignore her and if she still keep on doing that talk to her nicely and explain to her that what she's doing is not nice anymore and after that since you tell her you side, don't say anything but do what you want to do as long as it not bad for you

Answer 2

You can stop her by just not getting her involved. Don't talk to her about your relationship. Don't invite her to gatherings where she can cause problems. Don't confide in her on relationship issues. And don't listen to her. Let her give you the silent treatment. Let her throw a fit. That is how she manipulates you! If you ignore her long enough, she'll stop. If she doesn't, it is HER loss, not yours. She can only manipulate you if you let her.

Also, have a talk with your fiance. Just tell him: she's a manipulator, so just be nice and ignore her. If he's a good guy, he'll understand and act appropriately. But don't expect him to be best friends with your mom. If she won't let it happen, it is not his fault.

Good luck!

Answer 3

Marriage is between you and him you should simply don't fully involve your mother in your relationship. Be kind but straight up with your mom, chances are once your marry your going to have to do this many times over.  But let her know its not her place.

Answer 4

Tell your mother that this is your life, and that if she isn't prepared to play a part in the life you are making for yourself with your new fiance, she needn't even bother keeping in touch.

Give her some time to think about this, and if she starts, simply show her the door and tell her to come back when she's feeling less nasty and vindictive.  

Answer 5

Now that you're an adult, you're certainly in a better position to take charge of your life. Tell your mother that you feel she is trying to come between you and your fiance, and that it bothers you. Maybe she's lonely, maybe she thinks you won't love her as much if you spend time with someone else. Talk to her about branching out in her life and taking on more activities. This will give her something else to focus on other than you.

Obviously she is manipulating you, but you need to be clear in your head that until she can respect (not accept) your decision to make a life with someone else, you may have to distance yourself a bit. She doesn't need to be so involved in your life anymore, after all, you are not a child. She is not looking out for your best interest, she is looking out for her own.

In short, she needs to get her own life and you need to live yours. If you allow your mother to "ruin" your relationship that would be your fault.

Answer 6

Perhaps your mother is jealous of your relationship. I think you need to ignore her as much as you can. It's your life & the mistakes are yours to make not hers.

As for her views of your fiancee's family, well she's entitled to her views, just leave the room if & when she starts.

You could buy her a babies dummy, next time she kicks off at you & then has one of her tantrums, simply hand her the dummy & say " if your going to behave like a child, perhaps this will help, it's a replacement for the other one you keep spitting out ".

Good luck. X :-)

Answer 7

just sit her down and very calmly explain to her how you feel,

it sounds to me like your mum doesn't want to lose you as a daughter and as a friend, try to explain to her that although your with him he will never replace her.

if all esle fails love, you may need to cut the apron strings and show her that your not going to let her dictate your life

hope this helps hun

good luck

and congrats on the engagement

Answer 8

Okay let me say this. Your mom is being a Dumb idiot. I think your mom ruined your friendships in teh past becasue she didn't want you to get hurt or to see you grow up. I mean friendships last a life time why would she do that to you. Your her daughter not her aquantice. I think she doens't want you to leave her. Shes afraid if you spend all your time with him. that you will forget about her and not spend time with her. I mean she may not even want you to grow up after all. Be honest with her. One day go over there and tell her how you feel. She has no right to ignore you. I mean she shouldn't do this to you. I know the both of you can work this out and just be honest with each other. Thats all. I hope I helped

Answer 9

your mother is always going to be like this no matter who you are engaged to or who you may actually marry.  This is how she has controlled you your whole life and she will continue to do so as long as you let her.

you have to stand up to mama and limit your time with her as needed.  Remember, you are an adult and when you get married you will be someones wife and later someones mother.  you will no longer be your mother's little girl.  You won't have that luxury because your responsibilities as wife and mother will trump you being mama's baby.

do not live your life trying to please your mother.  You cannot please her unless you do EXACTLY as she tells you at the precise moment she tells you to do it.  Even then you may not be able to please her because she will find something to complain about.  Live your life being true to yourself.

controlling parents even when they aren't overly religious are fond of throwing the 5th commandment around when their children stand up to them and refused to be bullied by them.  That commandment is not about obeying your parent and giving in to their whims or to illegal or immoral behavior.  It is about honoring the position of parent and honoring your elders.  All you owe to your parent (when they are not evil or destructive) is to check in with them to make sure they are well and to make sure they have the basics (food, clothing, shelter, access to medical care).  You don't have to sacrifice your life to do these things.  You don't have to go broke assisting them.

Set your boundaries with mom and stand firm.  She can't make you feel guilty if you don't let her.  You are not doing anything morally wrong by living your life (the guilt thing may take a little while for you to get over, but you just need to be aware that you have nothing to feel guilt about).  You are not her entertainment and you should not be her only social contact.  Point her in the direction of places and organizations where she can meet people and make friends so that she is not monopolizing your time.

Good Luck.  When you are breaking away from a controlling parent, it's a little tough in the beginning but you need to do it now before you get married.  Once you are clear in your mind what is acceptable behavior and what is not, you will be able to stand up to her when she tries to insinuate herself between you and your husband and tries to take over or undermine you with your children.  If you don't get a handle on this before you marry, then she will destroy your marriage.

edit:

you said she knows how to get under your skin, that means you know what your triggers are as well.  Change the way you react to her when she pushes those buttons.  

Change the subject

tell her good bye and call her when you are calm and able to talk

limit the time you spend with her.  

NEVER give her the keys to your house.--controlling parents w/ keys have a habit of stopping by unannounced whether you are home or not.  How would you like mom letting herself in while you and your honey are "occupied" in another part of the house.  or how would you like mom plundering through your personal items while you are out of town.

NEVER discuss problems you are having in your relationships with other people with her--that is only giving her ammunition to use against you and/or them later.