How can I tame my ferocious 9-year-old son?

Question

I am a 29-year-old single mother of two boys.

My husband recently left me and as a result, our 9-year-old "Mark" has turned into a ferocious, out of control boy.

You will not believe the things he does. He has been suspended countless times from school, he steals from my purse, destroyed some of my most valued things, cusses frequently, and other bad stuff!

My 12-year-old son "Nathan" is frequently tormented and abused. Nathan had to get a lock on his bedroom door to keep Mark out.

My other family members are afraid to come over. I asked my parents if boot camp or a military school would be appropriate, but they said no. They said that sending a child away could create feelings of abandonment which would make the situation worse, and further deepen his hatred towards me. Plus all those stories about what goes on at some of those boot camps scares me to death.

When I asked my ex-husband to help, he came over with his new girlfriend. You will not believe the things Mark said to her! It made that woman cry and my ex-husband stormed out of the house, very angry.

I read Nathan's journal and found that he wrote very obscene things and draws very violent pictures of Mark! I didn't make a big deal about it because I knew that Nathan really felt that way.

We can't even go out in public! I have tried various things, but they never work! When I punished Mark by sending him to his room and locking the door, he DESTROYED his room! There were holes in the wall, broken glass, all sorts of stuff.

Mark just a few weeks ago locked Nathan in the basement and left him there the whole day while I was at work! Also, a few months ago, Mark kicked Nathan right in the chest and cracked a couple of ribs!

I am at my wits end and I just don't know what to do! Could his horrific behavior have something to do with the fact that he has no dad? Since when I was married, Mark was a perfect little angel?

Help me!

Answer 1

tame your beast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

take him to a psychologist, he can give him a mental examination and decide the best course of action, sounds like this problem is out of your league, there are programs and/or medications that will help, also, this may just be a phase that must be weathered but it would be better to try and fix it now

Answer 3

While Mark is nine, and old enough to understand what divorce is but not mature enough to handle the situation appropriately, he has no right or reason to act out the way he is.

Whether you think boot camp is appropriate or not, I honestly think that would be the best thing for him.. and/or maybe an all boys school. Breaking Nathan's ribs is serious business, and if this behavior continues, his future may be in jeopardy (drugs/abuse/etc).

Now, even if it is because of the divorce that he is doing all this, do you honestly think that he should be able to continue being this way? Seeing as he is only nine, and school will be starting shortly, you want to get him help, and fast! Maybe make him see a psychiatrist/counselor? While it may be costly and somewhat uncomfortable for everyone in the family, it's a lot better than paying for hospital bills (now) and later "jail free cards".

I'd say have him going to boot camp for a month or so, and not all are as bad as you hear; I had a boot camp officer as a substitute teacher a few times. He was strict, but he didn't harm anyone. Then when he gets back home, send him to counseling for a good while. (My brother use to act out, also, but his wasn't as bad as your sons. Counseling did it for him, but it seems like your son may need something a little more intense.)

.... too, are you sure he is really afraid of you? I mean, is this the first time you have disciplined him? Or did you literally beat him? If you hit him in anger, which you should never do, you need to apologize, but he needs to understand that the way he is acting unacceptable. If you didn't, maybe that's what he needed.. a good butt whipping. He needs to realize that you are the parent, not him. He must obey your rules until he is 18, and then he has to follow the law or pay for it.

Hope this helps, and good luck.

Answer 4

i TOTALLY agree with the first answer. my parents punished me. when i used to misbehave they used to take out the belt on me! and that didnt make me hate them at all. its NOT FREAKING ABUSE PEOPLE!  THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ABUSE AND DISCIPLINE. seriously. it teaches lessons. it REALLY does. BE LOUD, BE IN CONTROL, AND PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! YOU ARE THE MOTHER! YOU ARE IN  CONTROL AND YOUR THE ONLY ONE TO DISCIPLINE YOUR KID! SHOW HIM WHAT YOUR MADE OF. NO MERCY. IT WORKS. TRUST ME. GO GET EM TIGER!

Answer 5

Slap him in the face.

Answer 6

You grab him by his ears,

force him over your lap

and bare his bottom

and roast his bunns.

Answer 7

Oh, I m so sorry!   You have been dealt a rough hand and you have been given some incredibly crappy advice.

You need a professional NOW.  See a psychologist right away.  You all need a professional to help you to deal with the incredible changes that have come in your life.  Ask your doctor for a referral.

Good luck!  It can be so hard to be firm but loving; keep telling your son that you love him!!

Answer 8

WOW, you are dense aren't you!

Does his behavior have something to do with him not having a dad.  NO!  He has a dad, but you kicked him out of his life!  (or so Mark believes).  That is why he is all over the girlfriend too, another person trying to compete with Dad.  

I am against parental violence as well.  However I am not against parenting.  A child who acts up needs to be punished.  A child who kicks his brother breaking ribs needs to know what pain feels like.   If you have done research into boot camps, then maybe you should try learning some of their methods of discipline.  You would not have to send him anywhere if home became boot camp.  

It is my belief your son needs 3 things.....

Discipline, love, and understanding.  You will show you love him by becoming the parent he's never had.  You will step up to the plate and correct negative behavior and reinforce positive behavior.  It starts with the basics, calling you mam, and male's sir.  You say please, you say thank you.  Your entire family needs this, not just your youngest.  This would include yourself.  When you have some positive behavior it is immediately rewarded verbally.  When there is a string of positive behavior it is rewarded with a bigger prize.  (going out for snow cones for instance, snow cones and ice cream are great because they can be eaten in the car, and if a meltdown occurs, nobody is embarrassed by either the melt down or the punishment).  Also in the love category is to find a common sport or activity that your small family can do together.  Going to baseball games, playing Frisbee in the park, for a while our family used to wander around Target on Sunday mornings looking at clearance sales.... it was just something we all liked to do.  It is quite tempting to link this to reward and punishment, but that is always a bad idea.  Love shouldn't be conditional.  You do an activity together because you love to do it together as a family.

Finally he needs understanding, and since he blames you, and obviously his brother is not his best friend either, I would suggest a professional counselor.

Answer 9

Hi, I am a step mum to an 8 year old. I have been with my husband (childs father for 4 years). The child has only just started playing up within

the last year. He is also stealing from his mothers purse(buying football cards with the money, beleive it or not!) You boy needs to see a councilor

and I very much understand what you are going through. It isnt easy. I think it is age that contributes to the behavior! My step son has been fine up until now. I would take the child to the docs to check for adhd (attention deficiency), if he is diagnosed they will be able to put him on treatment such as ritilin to calm him down. Also you should discipline him more and if he is going against your other boy, you should really put your foot down as that is unacceptable behavior!

I am not sure if boot camp is such a great idea as he could get worse.

He is probs wanting attention and he has just got to get used to the fact that you and his father are no longer together. You should sit down and have a chat with him and tell him that it isnt as bad as it seems. Things will be better etc!

I hope this helps you and many of us have been in exactly the same situation as you. I am also struggling as a step mother trying to control my husbands kid. It is much harder when you are not their biological parent, so you have a big advantage in one way. Just put your foot down and dont put up with any of his cr*p!

Good Luck with it all

XxXx

Answer 10

he seems to be hurting. can you go to a pyschiatrist?  you may qualify for financial assistance through your state. no sending him away wont work and no spanking wont work. call the nanny!

Answer 11

maybe a therapist or school counselor could be the way to go. he seems stubborn and vicious. so maybe ask him to have a 1-on-1 with his dad, ALONE. no girlfriend with him because it will only enrage him more.

Answer 12

Hes not afraid of you he just don't want to be disciplined and i bet if u keep on doing that he will stop and if he don't take him to a dr. he might have a mental illness

Answer 13

One word Discipline

Answer 14

Your ex was STUPID to bring his girlfriend over, when he was supposed to be there to see his kids... No wonder your son is acting up.

Answer 15

bind his wrists and birch him till he bleeds

Answer 16

Ferocious?

My advice: discipline.

If the kid wont listen to reason, you teach him what authority is by spanking him. Beat his *** and he will quickly learn to respect you as a parent.

And dont give me that "oh no you cant hit a kid" BS - look at what frowning on smacking misbehaving kids has landed us as a society! There is a difference between abuse and discipline and if you want tyour child to grow up as something more than an animal, you will discipline it.  

Answer 17

He's out of control... send him to military boarding school.

Answer 18

Discipline. It's not illegal...... usually, unless you like abuse him by whooping him with a belt buckle or something but otherwise a good round of discipline is what he needs. It's not parental violence, you are only doing it because you love him and you want him to be a good kid. If he keeps up like this he'll be like this later in life and it'll be worse. He'll start going out drinking and smoking at the age of 13-15 if he keeps up. Making them tame earlier makes them better as they age.

Answer 19

It's tough loosing family.

And our culture is violent in metaphorical ways that kids relate to as instructional sometimes.

You guys need a vacation.

Answer 20

I'm sure your ex-husband must have left a belt in the house somewhere?

"Spare the rod, spoil the child".  It's amazing how well his behavior will improve.

That's the problem with this generation.  They have out of control kids, but they don't believe in "parental violence" as you put it.

WTF is parental violence?  It's called spanking.

Answer 21

Until you mentioned that Mark cracked Nathan's ribs, Mark needs to learn what he's doing is not alright.

You really need to talk to him, and explain what he's doing is not okay. If he doesn't listen, then you need to bring up discipline. If discipline doesn't work, then Boot Camp will certainly be an option, and you need to let him know.

VERY IMPORTANT: Be firm, and be serious don't just say something and not follow through; because if you do, Mark will only become more violent as he knows that you won't do anything.

While Boot Camp is an option, it's not always the most glamorous; but believe me, it does work. (I've been sent there when I was a kid) As of now, I'm a completely different person.

I really wish you good luck.

Answer 22

"I have tried all sorts of discipline, but they don't work." Of course they don't work because you have tried all sorts of discipline.  You've tried all sorts of disciplines but have you used one CONSISTENTLY?  No, you changed around because you didn't see immediate results.  Disciplining children takes time, patience and above all consistnecy.  You've only made matters worse.  You beat this child and used a weapon to do it.  It is quite obvious that this boy is angry and more than likely entering puberty.  He has been hurting and all you could think of doing is beating him.  No wonder he is afraid of you...You had better hope that he doesn't tell a teacher about the beating otherwise you are going to wind up having CPS come in and take all of your children and charge you with abuse and child endangerment.  You failed to recognize you own son's pain and to top it off you beat him.  I suggest family therapy for you, your ex husband and all of your children.  It is obvious you need it.

Answer 23

IM SORRY TO TELL U THIS BUT THIS IS EITHER A CRY FOR HELP , A CRY FOR ATENRION ,OR JUST A RESOLT OF THE WAY HE WAS RAISED

Answer 24

wow, im so sorry this is going on. but u have to be firm with him. dont yell at him, that makes things worse. i work at a childrens camp, so i have had to deal with hundreds of kids like this. u really need to talk to him. wen he starts to act out, grab him, talk to him firmly, tell him that its not exceptable wat hes doing, and let him no that if he doesnt stop, u will take something away that he really likes. the more he acts out, the more u will take. and make sure that u dont give in! ddont give it back to him until he actually changes. and if he starts it again after he gets his way, take it away again... and wait longer for his behavior to be better. have him sit in time outs, and make sure there is no distractions. u also shouldnt be leaving ur kids home alone by themselves at such a young age. try getting a babysitter. tell them wats up, and tell them how ur going to change this. they will listen and do wat u say. boot camp isnt that bad. and it will put him into shape. he might not like it wen he first goes, but he will thank you for it after in the long run.

now about ur other son, its not rite that he is drawing those things about his brother no matter how he really feels. its not ok, u need to talk to him and explain that to him and get him to understand that. i hope this really helps u out... email me or message me if u have anymore questions!! good luck!