How can I teach my 4 year old to stop demanding and start asking nicely for things?

Question

My 4 year old is constantly just demanding things she wants, or wants done. She never thinks to ask first, she just goes straight the I want I want I want! Its really wearing me and my husband down. If anyone has any ideas on how to stop this, I would appreciate any ideas or advise.

Answer 1

Next time she demands for something tell her she cant have it until she asks.If that dosn't work try disaplenting her better.

Answer 2

You need to nip this one in the bud right away or it's going to get worse. Refuse to bow to her wishes and explain she needs to ask for what she wants not demand it.

Answer 3

Don't give into her demands until she asks nicely.

Answer 4

Be consistent in reminding her of the appropriate way to ask.

When she demands, ask her "How do we ask?" then remind her to say please. I know it's frustrating, but do it every time. And don't give her what she wants until she asks properly. And if she refuses to rephrase her request, then a time-out may be in order.

And make sure that you and your husband are setting the same example for her. When dealing with one-another. And when you can do the same for her.  I know as a parent that there are some things we can tell our children and we don't have to make a "request" of it. But when possible, I think we should ask them to do chores, for example. Not really giving them a choice, of whether or not to do it, we need to let them know that they have to do it, but just be respectful about it.

Answer 5

She can learn if you teach her and stay consistant. Do not just give in. My one year old knows to say please and thank you. Yes he doesn't say it perfect, but he uses sign language and says it every time. If he doesn't say thank you, I don't let go until he does. He knows to use his manners. If I can teach a baby, you can teach a preschooler. You can do this. You MUST stay consistant. You can't 'give' in now and then. You MUST stay strong.

I always say that a child doesn't wake up one morning cussing their parents out. It happens in steps. First you have the eye roll, then you have the sigh, then you have a smart comment under their breath, then it moves on worse and worse. EVERY step is in one direction or another. So everything she is doing is leading to one place or another.

Are you sure you are letting her lead in the right way? This means with everything. Not just asking nicely. Is she smart mouthed and arrogant? Will she do what she is told? Does she ignore you? All of those things MUST be addressed immediately! *hugs*

Your in for a long trip. But it WILL be worth it. Oh and I also have a 9 year old. So I'm not just speaking out of 'I guess'. I'm speaking from experience. My son is the most respectful and well behaved child you can imagine. And not just from my opinion. I have had MANY people comment on his behavior. I am never worried about taking him in public. I know he will listen and be respectful. Good luck, its never easy being a parent but it sure is worthwhile.

Answer 6

dont give her anything and ignore her until she asks nicely for it.

Answer 7

Slow them down, make eye to eye contact  (possibly holding each sholder) and let them know,....you need to ask mommy nicely,...like a big girl!

Answer 8

You're enabling her.  Whenever she demands things are you  showing positive feedback to her somehow?  Are you giving her attention by talking to her about what she is doing wrong? She may be feeding off of this attention.  What you're doing wrong is something that you'll have to figure out for yourself.  But in any event, you need to iIGNORE her (go about your business in a regular manner) when she is demanding.  You might say something as a correction, off the cuff like "We don't talk like that to other people" or "Try ASKING and see what happens", but then ignore her again until she does ask.  When she does "ask" for something, reward her by telling her what a big girl she is for asking.  Make a big deal about it, but make "no deal" when she is "demanding."  She'll soon get the message that "asking" is the way to get attention.

Answer 9

I think you first have to reflect upon how you've raised her so far: have you spoiled her in the past? When she demands something, do you supply it instantly? If you give her a particular dish and she decides she doesn't want it, do you indulge her whim for whatever she desires? I think you really have to sit down with your husband and be as honest with yourselves as possible. Then you must decide to work as a team to put a stop to it. Vow that from now on, YOU decide what she is allowed. She may have a couple of acceptable choices, but she doesn't get to make the total decisions about stuff she is not ready for. Also, you have to be prepared for Grand Mal hissy fits because you have indulged her for so long that she may tell you she hates you, throw tantrums, kick...but please nip this in the bud! She will be entering preschool this fall, I presume, and the teacher will be left to clean up your mess.

Answer 10

Make it a game.  If she demands, you can pretend she's not there and say out loud something like, "Gosh, I think I just heard a fly buzzing around in here and it must be hungry because I just heard it demanding a peanut butter sandwich."  Then look around, notice your daughter, and say, "Oh hello, Mary.  I was thinking it was about lunch time.  Would you like a peanut butter sandwich?"  

At the same time it empowers you both.  You have the power to ignore bad manners, and she has the power of a second chance to ask nicely, and you both have the power to make it fun.  If she keeps demanding, you can continue to pretend there's a fly in the room, and even engage her a bit.  Ask her if she heard that pesky fly with the bad manners demanding a sandwich, then laugh at how that fly's mom must be exasperated that her daughter doesn't remember to say please.  

When she replies, "Yes" to the sandwich, you can follow that up with, "Did I hear a 'Yes, PLEASE'?" to remind her to use her nice words.  Keep gently reminding her of her manners until she catches on.  

It can be very difficult at first and she may be willful and stubborn, but she's at the age where kids like to push their parents' buttons, so if you stay calm and let her know she's not going to get a rise out of you, she will learn to comply more quickly.

Answer 11

Don't give in to her demands. Change her behavior by making her realize that when she "demands" things, she will not get it. When she asks for things in a proper manner, only then should she get it.

Its good your trying to break this habit now. It'll only get worse as she gets older.

Answer 12

ignore it unless she asks correctly. spanking isn't a bad thing either, honest it works and children can handle it

Answer 13

Dont give it to her unless she uses her nice voice and asks.

Answer 14

Don't give into her demands or even "hear" her if she is using bad manners. Hope this Helps.

Answer 15

Tell her "I want never gets"; then the first time explain that nice boys & girls ask politely for things.

After that when she says "I want..."; simply tell her "I want never gets" and leave it at that.

Worked a treat for me when I was little and forgot my manners.

Answer 16

Ignore her and then tell her why you are ignoring her.  Tell her that Mommy would do that if she said please.  When she says please, then pull through.  Make sure you tell her that doesn't mean every time.  You have to make sure she knows there are limits.

Answer 17

I agree with everyone else, ignore her demands until she asks politely and make sure you and your husband are modeling the behavior you expect out of her!  You can't expect her to say please and thank you if you're not doing it in your own lives, she's going to act what she says, actions speak louder than words.

Tell her that only when she asks politely will you consider her requests, if she's demanding, you will ignore her.

Make sure that everyone is on the same page, that means your husband, grandparents, aunts, uncles, everyone! She has to learn that she can't get away with it and go over your head to someone else! Make sure that the same rules apply in the houses she's in.  I'm sure everyone will appreciate them knowing she's minding her manners and asking for things and not demanding things.

It won't take long for her to be ignored before she starts asking for them.  She may throw a tantrum or two, but ignore it!!  If you cave with a tantrum, it will teach her that all she has to do is yell and scream and she'll get what she wants, a few minutes of a tantrum and you not giving in is going to show her YOU have control, NOT her and that's what this is about CONTROL!  

Let her go on, when she sees she's not getting attention or what she wants, she will stop.  When she does, tell her you want an apology and if she still wants that same thing she was asking for, tell her to ask the way you've been asking her to, then she can have it.

This is a hard age and it's about testing your limits and control.  Keep your ground and make sure she's not pitting you and your husband against each other, because she will try, so make sure you're both on the same page!  

Good luck!