How can a man just not care about a child he has?

Question

I have my own personal story that is long, but to keep it shorter, my son who will be four next week was conceived out of wedlock. I have since turned myself to Jesus and God, and I vow to not be with anyone again unless it is the OnE person God wants me to be with, if there is a person who I am supposed to marry and be with the rest of my life. My son's father I was with once, I finally found him on myspace.com, he wanted to be with me until he saw me (I gained about forty pounds when I was pregnant, and just in the last couple of months starting eating healthy again). He came over to see our son, and we agreed for me to set up a paternity test through the state, which can take another couple of months. Now I understand he doesn't want to see me, I don't look the same as I did before I got pregnant. That is fine, but he changed his phone number, didn't tell me, won't answer my emails through myspace (it says he read them), even the one I asked if he was still planning to take the test. That was weeks ago, he hasn't even bothered to contact me. It hurts, because my son is wonderful and deserves more. How can he just not care? How can someone have a son (if he needs the test, at least he can keep in contact until it verfies he is the dad) and not care? I am sorry if I seem cynical at all, I am just wondering how. Thank you.

Answer 1

The guy's an idiot. He just doesn't want to take responsibility for his action, and he doesn't want to deal with having taken part in this.

Answer 2

You are being emotional which is understandable, and so you are not looking at the whole picture. Yes, most men , most of the times, love and are dedicated to thier sons, but thier are exceptions. This man doesn't really know the baby yet, isn't sure he is the father yet, and see's a lot of complications if in fact he is the father. I am not excusing his behaviour just trying to explain it to you. You were with this man, did he love you or only say he loved you to get to bed with you? You looked different, and were different, not so much into religion. Right? He came to see you and either doesn't want the new you or doesn't feel ready for the responsability of being a dad. So, he is running away, you didn't mention how old is this guy or you. Young men might run away feeling overwhelmed with all that happend. An older guy might react differently. Does he care about this baby?

Not yet and maybe never. He tells himself it is not his, easy not to care about a stranger, isn't it? If he takes the paternity test he will know, but what if it is his, that has him scared!

You can not control other peoples behaviour, so the best you can do is be the best Mom possible. If another man comes into your life you have to be very careful because now you are not only looking for someone to love you, but to love your son as well. It is possible, just don't be fooled by words, actions are everything.

Good luck.

And by the way, a man should be a man, and if he has a child he should take responsability for that child. This guy is totally in the wrong, but plenty of people do plenty of wrong things.  

Answer 3

*this is the point of view from a 13 year old. please forward if you feel a 13 year old is not mature enough to have to deal with this sort of stuff*

Try to give your child all he wants (well, not that way, but just a lot of experiences). Don't try to pamper him by gifts like Nintendo and stuff, even though you can every once in a while, to make up for his dad. be there in a loving and supporting way, spend quality time with him, so he doesn't miss his dad. you might wanna hurry up and get another hubby, because soon your son will hate the idea and might as well do it when you can; lol. that's just a thought.

if you have time and if you feel up to it, take him horse riding or fishing or those type of things dads are supposed to do.

as for the test thing, i have no idea what your talking about.  

Answer 4

(sorry, this might be long.)You know what, this story touches my heart. I am 11 years old and I'm in the same situation as your child, (except different details.)

My dad divorced my mom when I was about three and ever since, I've only seen him a few times. When I was 7, he called my mom's work asking if he could be a part of my life again. So a couple months later, he flew me from Georgia to Colorado. And my mom told him before that that he'd better not leave me again or else she's not gonna let him come back, he promised he wouldn't, but he did.

A few months ago, my mom found his ex-wives number and I called it, just out of curiosity. Then he called me and told me that he was gonna fly out in the middle of June, June passed, they July came, he said he'd come in mid July, he never came! So I asked why he didn't come, he said he had to train a new manager and that he'd come, he promised, even if he had to borrow money, I told him not to borrow money, it wouldn't feel right. I told him that cause I didn't wanna add another part to this EXTREMELY long story. But hopefully there is a happy ending because my mom is a single mother, but she is doing a great job. Also, my dad did the same thing to my mom when she was pregnant with me. He'd look at her and say, " Hey, you're getting a little bulge there." But he can't say anything because he's fat now.

(btw, most of this happened because my mom took my dad to court because he was only paying $300 a month for child support.)

But I've realized that I'm better off without him.

God Bless!

Answer 5

its probably hitting him hard that he has a son. but also if he is not there and seems to not be there why get your sons hopes up because his father will most likely just leave again....I have always wondered how men can have a child especially when he saw the birth and was there for the first few months just stop being apart of there life..  

Answer 6

(Please understand that my answer may be justification for HIM - and not necessarily how I believe or want anyone else to believe!!  Stand by for an ear-full.)

It isn't HIS kid.  He stuck his p***s inside someone and had an o****m... that's it.  The resultant child didn't grow inside of HIM - so he has no attachment to it.  It has been almost five years - FIVE YEARS since he had s*x with you - and you expect some flavor of feeling of caring for a kid that may or may not be his - and that he has never seen or even HEARD OF?!?!

He may have changed his numbers, etcetera because some crazy lady that he may or may not remember is hounding him about paternity... and he is just trying to protect himself.  On the other hand, he may have had them changed because he is an immature prick that wants to avoid all sense of responsibility.

Then, on top of everything, you are intimating that this guy is irresponsible or uncaring - but you didn't mention anything about rape - which means that the two of you took it upon yourselves to engage in sexual relations.  Last time I checked, the only way to make a baby without the use of test tubes is through a cooperative effort between a male and female.  According to your post, you accepted the responsibility to have s*x - and you ended up with a kid.  And now you say that the kid deserves MORE?!?!  Did you consider that when you conceived the child?  And now you expect this guy to have some flavor of feeling for this child.

(Thanks for reading.  I feel dirty just typing that!!  These MAY be some of his feelings - but only he knows for sure.)

Answer 7

I am not sure what happened previous in your relationship. Is he just now finding out about the son?

There are probably ways you can get a test done through the state. I would start there.  If he is going to be a bad dad - it's best to keep your little one at safe distance. However, if he is just finding out, give it time to sink in. Four years is a long time to pass by.

Good luck. Take care of that kiddo!

Answer 8

i have a son that was happily married once untill his wfe cheated on him before they went ther seprate ways they had together a beautiful girl and his wife left beacause of her guilt and went their separate lives so now my son lives with this girl for a year and she was pregnant and i went to go see this child and it didnt have absolute none of my family resimblance and neither looks like my grandaighter my son or myselfand he told me she has an ex boyfriend and he not sure the boy not his i told him go get a dna and i told her she agreed to it and hes not being a man and taking care of his daughter neither and he took all the madness out on his daughter for what the wife has done to him he told me im gonna fx her for what she has done to me he gonna fix his wife for what she has done to him but the littel beautiful 5 year old hasnt ask to be born here  and the wife also had a baby out of the marriage and with another man thats not the other babies father and my son hasnt seen his daughter in 3 years calls but wont go and get her or dont send her nothing and she only 3 hours away  and i tried to go get her so she can see the my son and also our family which i havent seen in the last 3 years was cancelled  because my son got into a huge arguement with his still wife and the girlfriend also dont want my son to see his daughter and but still want him to raise so called kid he not sure of and the baby in his name whole full name this is not fair at all my grandaughter sufferng the loss of a dad is still living and he put that drama queen he has over his only frst born daughter

and since the kid a boy  and he always wanted a son before the daughter was born and he wasnt to happy about her when she was born cause he wanted a son  i had disown him for that till he had came to his senses cause i told him what if  wanted a girl before you were born and when you came out i boy  i wanted to gve your *** up how would you feel so he realised i was right and appologised and now he talks of his daughter when he mad at the drama queen so called baby momma   told him dont ever go against your daughter for no woman cause who gonna take care of you if that boy grows up and disappoint you she gonna resent you for what you took het through and her mom raising her up with diffrent types of men  

Answer 9

1st possibility: The man is not ready to be a daddy, either psychologically not ready, or economy , or both.

2nd possibility: He is busy making preparation to be a Daddy.

3rd possibility: He doesn't even love you (Sorry).

Answer 10

He's a loser! Be there for your child and that's all that matters!