How can a mother choose to place her baby due to poverty? Is it an unwillingness to seek help or pride?

Question

As an adoptee - I know how profoundly the loss of mother affects one, throughout many stages of life. I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE. As a child I was so lonely for her, but I kept my hurt hidden and many people probably would have used me as an example of a kid who was happy being adopted.

As a mother I can't imagine how I would go through life without my baby. I am the only one who can really intuit exactly what he needs. My body provides him with just the right nutrients for his growing body. I am the one who can calm him just by holding him in my arms.

I've learned how inexpensive babies really can be - I reasearched the benefits of breastfeeding, co-sleeping and cloth diapering and found them to be the best parenting choices I could make. It also happens they are very inexpensive. Perhaps the best things in life really are free.

Do mothers underestimate how utterly important they are to their babies? Why don't they understand that STUFF is no substitute for themselves?

Answer 1

i'm wondering what your definition of "poverty" is?  the way i am interpreting the question it sounds like "poverty" is not being able to own "stuff".  

in my answer i'm defining poverty as a person who is unable to obtain (or maintain) a home, provide food, or clothing, etc.  i believe that despite all the resources out there for mothers some of them just cannot get out of poverty, whether by choice or by lack of capabilities, or other reasons.  in that sense i don't believe they are selfish in giving up their babies for adoption so that those babies can live with a family who can provide the necessities in life.  i also don't believe that it is a simple decision that many mothers can make.

Answer 2

Not all birth mom's are advised of the fact that there is finacial aid available, many are kept in the dark about this and are too young to question those in authority, I had no idea 33 years ago that anyone would help me at all.  It certainly wasn't coming from my parents or those who intended to profit from the sale of my baby, How dare you question someone on the most difficult decision of their poor uninformed life.

Answer 3

I can understand the point that some it is hard to understand how someone can give up a baby after carying it for 9 months. I mean you have a connection with the baby that no one can understand unless they become pregnant themselves. The baby depends on you for everything for the nine mths you are carrying the baby. You feel it grow inside of you. Once the baby is born, there is this overwhelming sense of love you have for a little person, that you have just met. I don't think most birth mothers give up their children on a whim, out of a sense of pride because they don't want to ask for help. Sometimes life deals us a bad hand, where whatever we put down may not be the best. I"m sure that most birth mothers agonize over their desicion before they decide to give up their babies. Some birth mothers at the time of birth are not in the best mind set because the have a dependcy on drugs or alchocol or their life style may not be fitting to raise a baby. Does it make them bad people? No, it just means they made wrong choices.

What most people need to understand, that saying "at least you weren't aborted" or your mother loved you so much she gave you up". May not be the best thing to say to an adopted child. Both sayings still state that your birth mother rejected you. Which is not always the case.

What adoptive parents need to understand is that it's okay to be open and honest with your child about their adoption. Don't treat them any different. Love them, cherish them. Listen to them if they express their feelings about their adoption. Just because we want to talk about, by no means mean that we stopped loving you or love you less. Some adopted kids want a understanding behind the relquinshment.

Others need to understand that just because an adoptee questions why their birth mother gave them up. DOES NOT MEAN they want to live in an abusive home or live in squalor! It's just a question that runs thru some adoptee's minds. It's natural to wonder why a mother would give up her child.

Answer 4

I think most of America is in love with adoption. Unless you have been torched like we have, most people just don't get how damaging adoption is.

Adoption is cruel and unusual punishment for the "crime" of being born at the wrong time.

Answer 5

A lot of women who put their babies up for adoption, a lot of the time is because they don't have a choice.  Times can be very hard for a person on their own, can you imagine a woman with a baby, that may not have a home to go to.  There is that slight chance that she may not be able to breast feed her baby, and as for diapers, the material is expensive.  Not every woman can afford all these things that are required for looking after a baby.  Therefore, the mother puts the baby up for adoption so that the child has a better life.  She is not thinking of herself, she is thinking about the baby, and what is best for the baby.  She really does not care about herself.  She will stay on the streets or whereever she stays, but makes sure that her baby is in a good home, is safe and warm and well fed.  Think about that okay.

They don't always want to put their child up for adoption but she doesn't have a choice. They think about the baby first.

Answer 6

I wish you had more compassion for your birth mother.  She was probably facing a VERY difficult decision.  Perhaps it pains her every day that she had to give you up.  Perhaps she desperately wanted you to have two parents and lots of love, and she wanted you to have all the things she couldn't give you.  Maybe she was lonely for you, too.

Would your childhood have been so painful if you just didn't know you were adopted?  What if your PARENTS -- and yes, they're your parents because they were there for you every day, whether they birthed you or not -- had just lied and said you were their child?  Would you still be so unhappy about everything?

I think you should not look at the past with so much bitterness -- and yes, you sound bitter.  Frankly, I think you could use some counseling, it might help a lot.

Oh, and if you think babies are inexpensive, wait until he's older.  You've got a real surprise coming.  

Adoption is sad and sick?  Ask someone who desperately wants to adopt a child if they think that.

Answer 7

I am sure giving a baby up for adoption is the hardest thing a person can do.   Be thankful you weren't aborted and were given the opportunity to live.

Answer 8

I gave my son up for adoption, it will be 10 years next May. It was the hardest thing I've ever done or probably will ever do. I don't regret it for a minute. I did it for him, my older son & myself. I was emotionally, mentally & financially unstable to take care of another child. I was barely making it with the one I already had & living with my parents. We have an open adoption where I see him whenever I want & he sees me when he wants. He's got the world's greatest adoptive parents. I cant imagine what kind of life he would've had with me. I dont want to think about that. I'm sorry if you didnt have understanding adoptive parents. Not all adoptions turn out bad. I'm glad he was adopted & didnt become a ward of the state. We went through an adoption agency. It was all planned & I knew them before I just handed over my child. He will be 10 in May. There are many reasons to give a child up for adoption, but finances definitely shouldnt be the ONLY reason. There are many resources to take of children, that's true. Some people just cant handle it. Id rather someone give their child to someone who will & can take care of them, then for them to end up abused, molested or dead or watching mommy & daddy get high or drunk in front of them because they were so prideful & kept their child!

Answer 9

since you are a mother i am assuming you are at least 20. please understand that even just 20 years ago things were different and women were discriminated against in the workplace. it was not uncommon for a woman to work the same job as a man and make 30% less for the same work.  maybe she had no family to support her. She probably didn't do it to be mean to you. she probably did it because she loved you enough to give you up in the hopes that your adoptive family would love you and cherish you and give you the things she wanted you to have but couldn't give you. maybe she died in a car wreck when you were and infant. maybe she died in childbirth. as far as only birth mothers knowing what the baby needs, you are wrong. it is the mother/child bond that creates that knowledge.  it is the time spent holding, rocking and tending him that makes you able to know what he needs. don't blame your birth mother for your rotten life. if you have adoptive parents, then blame them. they obviously are the ones who raised you to be ungrateful. it is not your birth mother's fault that you didn't have a perfect life. things may not have been the way you wanted them, but at least you are alive and grown. bad things happen to EVERYONE! get over it and get on with your life. life is way too short to spend it bitter.

Answer 10

For me, my decision was for my son, not me.  I was already a struggling single mom, with monthly eviction notices and not being able to pay my bills.  It was the best thing for him.  He is now in a great and wonderful home with a mom who is able to stay home with him.   I have known the family almost my whole life.  Ours is an open adoption.  He will know who I am when he is able to understand fully.  He sees me and my daughter so we aren't complete strangers.  

Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a perfect situation.  But I believe that he is better off where he is.

Answer 11

It's a lack of options. Things today are not as they were years ago. My mother's best friend became pregnant at 15 and she gave the baby up for adoption. In 1976 in the rural south there were not gov't programs for teen moms, few GED programs or alternative schools, there were no efforts made to encourage parenting, and fathers were not held accountable as they are today. She went to a "home" and had a baby and a state case worker walked out with it the next day. That's how it was. These days, that wouldn't happen.  Now she's part of our extended family but her mother's life STILL is not stable enough to support a relationship with her.

Poverty is different than not being able to provide your children with "stuff". Love does not keep the lights on and heat in the house. I'm sure no woman gives up a child without a sense of loss.

Answer 12

every rationale you provided for a woman NOT relinquishing, is the antithesis of what the adoption agency wants to hear.  they really push the poverty line, and that the most loving thing a young poor mother can do is relinquish.  i honestly don't think those who profit from adoption give two-hoots about the natal bonding that occurs.

i agree with you totally.  i could NEVER relinquish my children.  but, i have made an adoption plan, primarily due to the hyper-emotional circumstances associated with being young, poor unmarried and pregnant.  

society tells us that there is one and only one "proper" why to parent a child: married with financial resources. now, grant it, i do understand the importance of being able to financially provide for a baby, but i often think that the natal bonding perspective is ranked much lower than the "proper mother" perspective.  

and if a young woman does change her mind, she's vilified and called selfish.

trust me, i don't know of any b/f/n-moms who are jumping for joy that they gave some other family the "gift" of a child.  what i do know is that many mourn silently at being placed in the position to make the choice.

also, it's very difficult to stand up to adults around you who are telling you what's best for you and your child.  it's very overwhelming. and --dare if say it--intimidating. i mean, how can a scared 19 year old girl stand up to someone saying to her, "if you change your mind, you will make this couple experience a pain as worse as if the child died!"--how cruel!! and that's just the tip of the iceburg.  

also, when i decided not to place my son, a week's worth of researching revealed a TON of services from WIC, day-care, clothing vouchers, donation services that helped me defray the costs of taking care of my child.  but, i had to find those services, nobody at the adoption agencies even mentioned them to me.  just, "you are young, smart and have a whole life ahead of you to have another baby.  the smartest thing you can do is to give this baby the gift of a stable married family so that you can go on with your life."--yeah, yuck!

so i don't think moms underestimate their importance in their baby's life; i do believe some feel as if they are powerless when fighting against a very powerful machine whose profits are based solely on marginalizing natal bonds, and promoting antiquated propaganda that the only "proper" mother is one with a wedding ring on her left hand.

so don't beat up too badly on b/f/n-moms, it's a bit more complex then most think.

peace-

EDIT: ok, dare i state this again, marginalizing pregnancy and childbirth is as dehuminizing as marginalizing adoptive parents.  as a woman who has endured three, very difficult  (including my current) pregnancies, to say that the biological process of bring life into the world is simply "squirting out a baby" is extremely offensive. but it that helps some people sleep at night, cest le vie!

also, ADOPTION IS NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO ABORTION. ADOPTION IS NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO ABORTION. ADOPTION IS NOT AN ALTERNATIVE TO ABORTION.

repetition worked when i taugh intro-statistics, so maybe it'll work here...

Answer 13

You were adopted.  You had a mother.  Why not appreciate the one you had instead of complaining about the one you didn't know?

There are thousands of reasons for giving a child for adoption and no one can say "I would never".

Squirting out a child does not make one a "mother", it only means one is capable of being impregnated and carrying a fetus to term.

Elizabeth... Punishment?  So, you'd rather live with a mother who would be abusive?  You rather live in squalor, or in a box?

Answer 14

I think you're confusing a lack of material wealth with POVERTY.  They are very different things.  A family who may be considered poor, and not have material weath is one thing.  The kids may wear hand-me-down clothes.  They may not go to the movies very often, and the kids might not have all the best toys.  Maybe they even subsist primareily on bologna sandwiches and Mac&Cheese.  All these things can be easily coped with with a mothers love, but some things aren't so easy to avoid.  

What about children in poverty who live in the inner city.  In these cases, the mother may not be able to find a job at all.  TANF doesn't really provide enough money to subsist.  If the mother cannot afford a car (and she lives in a city without good bus routes - like San Antonio or Houston), she cannot really afford to live in some of the better apartment complexes, even if she does get Section 8 housing assistance, because they are too far away from potential jobs and grocery stores.  What if she ends up having to take shift work, and work the swing shift?  Once her child starts school, that means she won't get to see them AT ALL, except maybe on weekends.  

What happens when the child ages out of daycare, and starts going home alone when they are 12 or 13?  Gangs are everywhere.  Children in gangs DIE.  Families that even have to live near gang activity have to be afraid of stray bullets.  Every year on the news we have several children who die just for living in the wrong area of town.  If a mother does not have an education and does not have enough family or friend support to feel like she can take care of a baby AND better herself, then what is she to do?  If she looks at her life and sees her baby only seeing her one or two days a week, hearing gunshots outside the window at night, passing drug dealers on his way home from school....  well, then you're not talking about "things" you're talking aboug safety.  

A mother who gives up her child so he/she will have more things is not really a mother at all.  A mother who sends her child away to keep him/her safe when she feels she doesn't have any other way to protect them - that mother is loving.  

I'm not saying that all children living in poverty should be taken from their parents.  However, I think you cannot condem any woman for being afraid to raise a child in that sort of situation.  In five years, she could likely take herself out of that place by working hard, and any future children she has would be the better for it.  However, it's unlikely that she would be able to work as hard at bettering herself if she also has a child to raise.  We all know how hard that is, how many sick days there are, how hard it is to find a sitter in an emergency...  We can't judge her for that.  Most women are not strong enough to raise a kid in true poverty - just watch the news, and you'll see enough evidence of that to make you vomit.

Answer 15

as a first mom, i can tell you that no one informed me on how i could possibly raise a child on my own. i had no family, financial, or emotional support. coming from an upper middle class family, i didn't know anything about being able to get housing, food stamps, and all those things. those were just completely foreign concepts to me. then when you have people telling you that every child should have 2 parents and a nice home, you feel bad. unworthy of your own child. not to mention, for me at least, i was in an accident and wasn't able to work for until after the baby was born. believe me, it's not one thing that happens, but a series of events that just depletes you. if you're surrounded by pro-adoptionist, who are brainwashing you, instead of trying to help you get on your feet, they are filling you with thoughts of doubts about yourself and what an act of love you're giving.  it can be overwhelming. i placed my daughter's best interest above everything else. i just wish someone had given me the other side of the story. how i was being told lies and she'd be better with me. that's why there must be adoption reform.

most women are upper middle class and college educated. they use their intellect to make the decision, not their heart. then when they realize what a horrible mistake they've made, it's too late.

i almost forgot, the promise of "open" adoption. that's the new lie. the mother thinks, it'll be bearable if i do it this way, but very few AP's, if any honor that committment.

ask your parents if they had an "open" adoption agreement, which isn't legally binding. that's when they make up stories about the first moms being "mental" or "drug addicts" or even "prostitutes". do you really think that most of these AP's would have taken in a baby, thru "open" adoption, if that were the case? the AP's for my daughter would not have taken her if she had any health problems, because the AP mom had MS.

ps... the AP's divorced a few years later, and the AP's mom's MS has gotten MUCH worse.

Answer 16

Cornered, with no practical support.  That's how.  

Agencies are not in the business of showing mothers how they can parent.  If a mother has no support and is not made aware of the help available to her, it is no surprise if she claims she made a "choice."  It's called rationalization, so she can (try to) live with the heartbreaking consequences.  "Helping" her was, in truth, helping themselves to her child.  She had no choice.

Until we start educating young women in high school and junior high school regarding the value of infant/mother bonding and attachment starting in utero as well as avenues for real help,  uninformed women are going to make this "choice."

"Our adoption agency set her up with an apartment and a job."  Oh hey I could use that help, too.  Can I have the name of the agency?  How about a scholarship?  Will they help me even if I don't have a baby they can broker?  No?  But babies are not commodities, right?

Answer 17

All I can do is give you my son's natural mother's story and you can judge for yourself.

She is 23 and doesn't have a high school diploma. She grew up in the foster care system. She is Mexican. She got pregnant by a 37 year black man who was the town drug dealer. She could not tell anyone but her mom about her pregnancy due to the fact that her family is very racist. She lived with her mom at the time of her pregnancy but she did not want her mom to have anything to do with her baby. Her mom just got out of prison and didn't even raise her when she was a child. Her mom is also on drugs and as sad as it is, my son's natural father is her drug dealer. Therefore she could not seek help from anyone in her family.

She ignored the pregnancy until she was 5 months along. She then sought out an abortion. She was unable to have an abortion due to being too far along. She then decided adoption. She found our adoption agency. Our adoption agency set her up with an apartment and a job. She gave birth to my son. My adoption agency continued to support her for several months after the birth. She then chose to move back home and continue living with her abusive mother and continue a relationship with my son's abusive natural father. She went right back to the abusive relationship's she was in.

My adoption agency is still working with her. She left her mom's house and has moved in with her father. He has been married multiple times and didn't raise her, but it's a better environment than she was in. My adoption agency is trying to get her into these lower rent apartments and help her get her GED. They also are trying to help her get a car as well. They have not given up on her. She has to get to a point where she wants to get out of that cycle of poverty and abuse, and they are really trying to help her do that.

I'm sure your opinion is that they should do all this for her and help her keep her baby. Whose to say she would have accepted this help even if she kept my son? She has barely accepted help for just herself. I believe if she kept my son, he would have ended up living with her at his maternal grandmother's house where he would have been raised in the cycle of poverty and abuse, and she would have been alienated from the rest of her family due to my son being half black.

My son now has a father, a grandmother and a grandfather who would die for him. It's not about material possesions, it's about a child being raised in an environment full of love, and free from abuse. I'm not saying his natural mother doesn't love him, but she has a hard time loving herself right now, and I'm not sure a baby could have fixed that for her. Also, she was adament about him not being put in foster care because she hated it, and she still has an 11 year old brother who is still in foster care. She hates the foster care system.

We have an open adoption and my son sees her every couple of months.

Julie R: I'm so frustrated with how judgemental you are. Therefore, no matter how much research and credibility you have, I have no respect or take any credibility in your opinion. If my son's adoption agency only wanted her for her baby, they wouldn't be continuing to help her or pay for some of her expenses. They wouldn't be desperately trying to get her out of an abusive environment.

What it all comes down to is that my son's adoption agency has a different opinion than you do. They believe that adoption, in some cases, is better for the child and natural mother. In their hearts, they believe they are doing this for the right reasons. You can judge their opinions and their research, but don't judge their motives and their hearts. They are not out to purposely hurt people. They really believe they are helping women and children. Please stop turning every adoption agency and adoptive parent into people who are out to break hearts and ruin lives. We really believe we are doing this for the right reasons. My son's adoption agency is a two woman operation who work with a limited number of adoptive parents, and a limited number natural mothers (no more than 3-4 at a time). They don't make tons of money. The lady who opened it makes around $35000 a year. I know her personally. She doesn't live in a big house and she doesn't drive a fancy car. She quit a great paying job to do what she thinks is right. Not go around "brokering babies" for profit.

She spends way more time with natural mothers than with adoptive couples. She continues to help two mothers who decided to parent instead of place. We have a different opinion than you. Attack our opinion but don't attack our motives.

I have a lot of respect and value many peoples opinion on this site like Marsha R., Heather H., Healing Adoptee,  Trish etc... but I do not respect yours. What's sad about this is I heard you have done a lot of research. However, this research means nothing to me when it comes from someone who assumes that we are all "baby brokers"

Answer 18

Sadly, some mothers who have financial problems give their babies away because there is not a single person on their side telling that they can make it, that they will be good mothers, and that their children need them.  Instead they are told that is "best for the child" to give them away to people who can give them more (usually meaning more material things).

I have read many sad accounts of "birth" mothers who suffer from life-long crippling regrets about giving their children up for adoption.  They realize that their poverty was short-lived.  Very, very often they lament that "no one told me that I would be a good mother.  All I heard was how inadequate I was and how much more someone else could give my child."

We have a different kind of poverty in Western countries.  We have a poverty of compassion and caring for humanity.

Answer 19

Sweetie, I think there area a myriad of reasons why a mother would choose to give her baby up for adoption.  You're assuming this mother would be in her right mind for one.  Some mothers are drug addicts or are in utter poverty themselves, have no education, no supporty system to help, etc.  Although you CAN find inexpensive ways to raise a child, you can't do it on nothing.  In order to work, you have to either have family or friends willing to watch the child or money for daycare.  Daycare is incredibly expensive these days.  Whatever the reason, you have to believe your mother only had your best wishes in mind when she gave you up for adoption.  If you ended up with a family who didn't give you all the love you needed, then that is sad but it doesn't mean your mother didn't have legitimate reasons for giving you up.  I'm an adoptee too and have never felt the sense of lonliness or loss that you describe.  I grew up in the most loving, wonderful home imaginable and haven't regretted for one day that I was adopted.  My mother is everything a daughter would want and her mother's intuition was well in tact.  She gave me everything I needed.

Answer 20

I was made to feel so selfish for not placing my son at birth. The guilt everyone put on me was astounding. During the teen years everything appears to be a major crisis, fights with friends and boyfriends, getting grounded, not going to a dance etc, etc. Finding myself pregnant really was a big deal and I was unprepared to deal with it alone, in the end I did but I really could have used some support. I think that for young moms the stigma attached to parenting can be too much to bear. When a 30 year old finds herself parenting solo there is not  nearly so much negativity involved. In your teens and early twenties everyone and their dog has an opinion on what is "best for the baby". For me, personally, it just became too much to bear and late in my pregnancy I became very introverted and stopped talking to all but two friends and one extended family member, hardly a decent support system. Had I not done this I doubt that I would have brought my son home from the hospital. This is just my story though.

I think, often, young women turn to crisis centers and pregnancy counselling organizations when they find out they are expecting. While many of these places are very trustworthy and will outline and give info on ALL the choices available, many are very pro adoption and they push the idea of a two parent "forever" family down these poor girls throats. Just the thought of some poor girl finding out she is pregnant and then having adoption shoved on her in the same moment is brutal to say the least. They are trusting these places to help them make a life changing decision and what they get is someone else's agenda pushed on them. If the first place they turn to is advocating for adoption then perhaps they aren't looking to other places for more information. Ignorance is allowed to blind them into believing that adoption is truly the best choice. It is often made out to be a silver lining in the darkest cloud these girls have ever faced. I doubt that many who go into these centres are told anything about the resources available to them should they decide to parent. If one isn't aware of assistance how does one obtain it?

***edit

OMG!  When will people stop telling us we are ungrateful for seeking out our natural families??? No child on this planet needs to be grateful to have parents. And no adoptees needs to be grateful for being adopted, that is just horse feathers.

As for the abortion c**p, again NO adoptees needs to feel blessed to not have ended up in a medical waste receptical. That is like telling every person alive to feel blessed they weren't miscarried. GAHHHH!!!

Answer 21

I think only one person has actually answered your question so far.

Yes, Americans live in a society that values material things over relationships. People go to college, not for an education, not to follow their dreams, but to get a degree in a high-paying field. We compare our possessions instead of discussing ideas. As a society, we teach our children that the most important goals in life are a big house, an expensive car, designer clothing, etc. People are judged based on how much money they make and how many expensive things they own.

Within that context, it becomes very hard to believe the small voice inside your heart that says "love is more important than money." An unintended pregnancy is difficult enough; trying to figure out how to afford giving your child a middle class lifestyle can seem to be a deal-breaker. Especially when everyone around you is parroting the same argument: you are poor, you cannot take care of this child, if you loved this child you would give him/her up to a more affluent couple who can give your child everything you can't (meaning things, not love).

Ironically, as you must know, money doesn't buy happiness...for a child, or anyone else. How many children are lonely in daycare or with a babysitter because their parents are working night and day to afford that big house in the suburbs and the two or three cars?

Americans need to go back to real family values. Money is a poor substitute for love.

ETA: Tish, I think we were cross-posting. I see you have answered the question as well (and quite well!).