How can a woman tell if a man might become violent towards her in the future?

Question

What do you think?

Cosmopolitan magazine says:

HE'S TWO-FACED

"Some people create a false self, meaning they act vastly different in public than they do in private," says Reid Meloy, PhD, a forensic psychologist who specializes in understanding criminal behavior. Your partner may be like this if he's loving and affectionate in public but cold and withdrawn at home. Or if the attitudes and thoughts he shares with others are dramatically different from the opinions you hear when he confides in you. "This is someone who may actually physically hurt someone."

STRESS MAKES HIM SCARY

If small annoyances trigger a dramatic or aggressive reaction in him or you've noticed that he loses it for no obvious reason, you need to be wary. "People like that can't regulate their feelings, which can suddenly escalate," says Meloy, "and that's when their actions may become dangerous."

HE HAS A"SWISS CHEESE" CONSCIENCE

Ask yourself this question: Does your boyfriend ever conveniently set his "good values" aside to do things that are legally or morally wrong, such as betraying a friend's confidence or sneaking out of a restaurant without paying the bill? "People with this kind of a rules-don't-apply-to-me attitude actually enjoy taking advantage of others," says Meloy. "And sooner or later, they will probably turn that on you."

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One of the reasons that I broke up with my ex boyfriend was because I believed when we were together that he would hit me within 10 years. He would ask me if I was cheating on him on a regular basis in an extremely suspicious tone of voice for no reason, he would break a lot of his things when he became angry and once he said "If you keep leaving your things all over the floor, I'm going to wind up breaking them too." like he couldn't control himself, and he acted suspicious when I would go places.

I broke up with him in May. In July, he was at a strip club with his cousin. A stripper started an argument with his cousin and his cousin called the stripper a *****. The stripper spit his cousin's face. My ex boyfriend hit the stripper. She hadn't done or said anything to him. What do you have to say about this disgusting stripper hitter?

Answer 1

I actually believe those are some signs!  I also belive the way your ex treated you (being untrustworthy, suspicious) were clear red flags that this man was NOT for you!  I am glad that he is now your ex.  I also feel that a man being controlling (making decisions on your career, your looks, the way you dress, how you spend your money, who your friends are, family) is a major factor too.

Answer 2

Those are signs as well as how you described your ex. Anytime he acts controlling, extremely suspicious these are red flags. Besides since you now know about him hitting the stripper you know you were right.

Answer 3

Breaking things is already a violent act, as is punching walls etc.  That is already abusive and considered criminal threatening.  There is an abuse cycle of escalation, blow up and honeymoon period.  It cycles over and over and gets worse over time.  Go with your gut instinct above all else.  If it feels wrong, you're right.  Good for you for getting out of this.  Sometimes it is hard to recognize how bad things are.  Always trust your instincts: if it feels wrong, you're right  Once while I was at a domestic violence support group, we were sharing our situations and I couldn't help but think that this one woman was going to end up being killed by her husband.  I though, boy she has it bad!  After the meeting, the facilitator gave her and me a piece of paper that indicated law enforcement standards for "Assessing Whether Batterers Will Kill"  She did not give it to the others.  It was a real wake-up call!  I got out then with a lot of help... I left the link for you to read that handout.  Again good for you for leaving him, even if he never hit you, threats are crumby enough