How can and/or should I approach my BF with the fact that I disagree with how he is treating/interacting with

Question

his ADULT children?

The general dynamics are that my BF's kids are around the same age as me, and we have geat friendships with each other. (I mean they are my family!) My BF has always had a close 'friendship' type father/son relationship with them. I have been a part of their circle of friends for 5 years and we have been together for 3 years as BF/GF. And I have never stepped in between a situation with him and his kids before. But this situation is spinning out of control fast. I can't be silent any longer.

The issue is that my BF tends to argue and point the finger else where any time there is conflict. And in doing so he drives a wedge between him and those he argues with (mostly close family and friends). Right now neither one of his sons is talking to him, I think they both are feeling like they would like to kick his @ss right now. And from their perspective I can understand why.

I want to help him understand that what has taken place has gotten way out of hand; that he needs to stop pointing the finger and do some massive self reflection on his part in this. And I would hope he could be the ‘bigger man’, to forgive them and apologize for his own behavior.

How can I help him repair his relationships with them, without risking the security of my own? How can I say ‘I think you were wrong in how you handled that and this is what I feel you should do’?

Answer 1

I think that the way you just did it was just fine.  I do not know him at all, but if it were me and you put it to me like you just did here, I would probably get a bit defensive at first but after giving it a little thought I would apologize to you then listen to what you had to say.Don't get overly concerned when he gets defensive at first, that is just what males do, but if he is smart enough to keep you by his side, he will soon realize that you have his best interest at heart and he will listen to you.  It is not always easy for us to listen to someone who is so much younger than we are even when we know that you speak the truth.  Give him a kick in the butt and make him listen, it is to his advantage.  Good luck!

Answer 2

What Orpheus said....

It's like a letter to Dear Abby ~ I'm always thinking, just show him/her the letter! It says it all; it says it clearly; it's thoughtful and "sees" both sides.

But.... family dynamics can be SO screwed up! And sorry, guys, but men, in my experience, are not so good at admitting they're wrong and apologizing. Something about never showing weakness just seems to be hard-wired into them.

If he *wants* to have a relationship with them - and I don't know if he does - then he needs to take responsibility for his actions. How to get him to do that?? Well, you seem to be in a unique position to span the generation gap and say something. Just call it like you see it, and if he takes the hint, then maybe he'll make a change...

I had a great philosophy book in college. (Sorry, can't remember the name.) It defined all the fallacies that people use during arguments - stuff like attacking the PERSON instead of the SUBJECT you're arguing about. Maybe read such a book - either with him or by yourself. Being able to point things like that out to someone in a calm, cool, collected manner *may* effect the desired change...

Good luck! Family dynamics - who knows?? My ex's parents didn't speak to one of their siblings for 20+ years. Things get said - no one apologizes - years go by... it sucks.

Answer 3

His boys need him to listen more and not argue with them.  He doesn't have to agree with them but he needs to let go of the compulsion to correct them.  They'll "get it" soon enough.  He can make suggestions for broadening their perspective - try this book, look at that website.  They just need him to listen.  So you're going to tell him what to do rather than how wrong he is and what he shouldn't do.  Works waymobettah.  Good Luck.