How can i cope with my husband's old female friend?

Question

My husband has a close female friend and the two have known each other for atleast 8 yrs now. She's married and the guy is also a good friend now. I know my husband and trust him in every way.....

Its just that this girl cannot keep out.... although she stays in a different city, she calls my hubby atleast twice a week.... my husband is equally friends with her husband.

My hubby has positively encouraged including me in this 'trio' as well.....many times.

But i just dont like this girl......cant stand her and her closeness to my hubby. Ok they were good friends but shouldnt she call him lesser now that she's married? Height of things: her husband doesnt seem to object to this 'friendship'.

I've discussed this and fought many times with my hubby..... he says they're just good old friends and that i am worrying unnecesarily.....he thinks my thoughts are ridiculous n that i am overly possessive about him..... its partly true.... i dont seem to appreciate many female friends of my hubby, this one in particular.

Ironically, my hubby never seems to have any problems with my guy friends....(atleast he doesnt show that he does)

This girl has also tried to befriend me many times but i cant seem to accept her.....

Please tell me : is this only in my mind? Am i overreacting and imagining things??

How do i handle this insecurity? I want myself to enjoy each moment with my hubby (whether its with this friend or other good friends) coz i love him so much! Although we've been married for just an year, it kills to think that this girl has known my hubby more than me.....

This is harming me....but shudnt harm our marriage in any way......

I just want to reach a happy and amicable solution....

Please help!!!!!

Answer 1

Hmmm, well if there is some reason you don't like her and you can't put your finger on it, your gut could definitely be right.

I think that because you talked to your husband about your feelings, he should respect them and tell her to call less, however you have to also consider that if he did that, he might still talk to her and just start hiding it from you.

I agree that if I were married, I wouldn't want a woman calling my husband regularly (if at all) I don't care how long they were friends.

Marriages seem to be different nowadays though. I know my mom didn't tolerate it, but I have a friend who has been with her guy for 7 years and he gets calls on his cell from female friends and she does with male friends and she says she doesn't care...but she also checks his cell phone...Go figure!

Answer 2

Know that there are many platonic relationships out there and that you are lucky enough to have a man who respects women enough to have them as friends. So what? She's known him longer. He married you! I am a woman who has many male friends and wouldn't be with a man who could not accept them as such. My advice is to thank heaven for what you have. You don't have to live with this woman or like her. Just understand that your husband does and that the type of behavior that you are exhibiting is only pushing him away and giving him reasons to feel like he may need to start hiding female friendships from you in the future.  

Answer 3

You need to remind yourself that if your husband and his friend wanted any more than that you wouldn't be in the picture. You struggle with self esteem issues and need to find ways to know what a wonderful person you are and not be threatened by anyone.

Time is the only ting that you have to overcome your feelings about their memories together. You will have years to enjoy and build memories together. And most likely they will be of a different variety than he has with her or anyone else.

Your very insecurity and jeolousy may hinder you from enjoying your life with him today.

You need to face this monster head on and accept this friend in your life. Ask yourslf why you don't like her? Would you like her if she were someone you met without her knowing your hubby?

I have felt this same way myself and it hurts so bad and others don't seem to quite get it. It was my own insecurity I was dealing with and not seeing how great I was. It was not until I started getting closer to my enemies and allowing my own charasmatic personality to shine through. Others enjoyed me  as well and the passage of time has given me three years now with my future hubby. My threats don't have what I have with him. What we have is our own and I have learned that I havet o share part of him with the world even though I wish I could just be on a deserted island with him so I did not have to worry about anyone else anymore.

I felt threatened all the time. My very behavior was making me unpleasant to live with and unappealing to him. It almost ruined our relationship.

I finally let go, shut up and allowed him to be who he was and who I fell in love with in the first place.

Best wishes

Answer 4

u do not need to handle your insecurity. u should be the first priority for your husband and he should drop everything what makes u uncomfortable immediately and without any hesitation. friends or no friends - doesn't matter. she makes u uncomfortable u tell him and he tells her not to call him anymore. the end of story. if he wouldn't - he might pack his bags and go live with them. maybe it sounds harsh, but always worked for me - either my way or the hard way. but i never had any dilemmas

Answer 5

Why does she feel the need to call your husband so often That's just weird to me.

I think you can find comfort that she tries to include you though. Most women who want a married man don't want anything to with their wives. You need to let her know this makes you uncomfortable and if she insists on continuing or they do it behind your back then BEWARE!!!

Answer 6

I think you need to stop stressing over this female friend. They have a long history of eight years so unless you have reason to believe that their friendship is anything more than that, I wouldn’t worry too much about. If she’s trying to reach out to you and get to know you, then I would embrace that friendship and really get to know her. Once you really know her, your insecurities may subside. Stop fretting over his friend. It sounds like your husband and this chick and her husband are all very close too. You may just be reading into it. You also mentioned that your husband always includes you so there is no reason to be insecure. Remember he married you.

If you still feel uncomfortable with their friendship then just tell your husband that although you know their friendship is strictly platonic, it still bothers you. Talk it through with your husband and hopefully he’ll understand where you’re coming from.

Answer 7

I completely understand how you feel my fiance has a good friend that's a girl and she doesn't have a boyfriend and I hate that she's known him a lot longer than me. I am just so uncomfortable with him being friends with her, I don't hate her, but she mentioned before that she thought he was hot and I wanted to punch her. He told me he's never had any romantic feelings for her and isn't attracted to her, but I think she's cute, so I feel like he's just saying that so I feel better. I think in your situation as long as he's not spending one on one time with her that's a start. I would be pretty pissed too if she called twice a week. If you love your hubby so much maybe you should bite your tongue and try to befriend the girl if he sees you trying then maybe he might compromise with some of your insecurities. Just because he can't relate to your jealousy issue doesn't mean he shouldn't care that this is killing you. I hope you can work out a solution so you can be happy!

Answer 8

There is no reason for a married woman to be calling a married man, not matter how great of "friends" they are, twice a week. I don't even talk to family members that often.

It doesn't sound like your husband or her or her husband are being shady, but I don't blame you for being upset about this. There are certain boundaries that should be set once you're married, and you're the only one in this situation who seems to grasp that.

You're under no obligation to be her friend, and you've already spoken to your husband about this many times. Regardless of how irrational he may think you are, it's obviously upsetting you and as his wife, you and your feelings should come first to him. But since they clearly don't, you can either go along with this friendship or give him an ultimatum.