How can i ever have a better outlook on men, when i have yet to be proven wrong?

Question

when every man i have ever been around has proven to be nothing but a selfish jerk, or a deadbeat, or just plain stupid.

in fact i have categorized men in 3 areas based just on experiences.

1. men will abandon you the minute things get rough, leaving the girl to clean up the mess.

2. men only want sons, if u have a daughter...they are gone (based on the experience of one of my friends)

3. men are willing to stick around if they are able to take advantage of you in some way.

my dad left my mom when she was pregnant with me. no father influence. i am only 19 (plan to stay a virgin til married...if it ever happens).

i know not ALL men fall under those 3 categories...that there is very very small percentage of good men (but of course those men are married and/or are senior citizens).

i dont care so much about ur opinion on the matter....my question is how can i stop seeing men as those things and give them a chance (im sick of seeing them as "potential ditchers").

and dont suggest i go L*****n...i have been and will always be 100% STRAIGHT!!!!

Answer 1

Honestly, your abandonment issues probably stem from the fact you did not have a dominant male figure while growing up.  You grow up with this skewed perception of all men based on the actions of one man...then, those perceptions are applied to every man you meet.  It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy eventually.  

Changing your perceptions of men will likely require spending substantial time working through the emotional impact your father's leaving had on you as a child.  

Answer 2

Alright, I see you didn't like my last answer.  I can't blame you.  Try a mantra.  You can convince yourself of things even when you have no logical basis to believe them.  If you keep repeating silently to yourself over and over "He's a good guy, He won't leave me"  And if you want to believe, you can convince yourself.  You can re-program your mind.  It works.  I'm not making it up.  Read up on NLP if you want.

Answer 3

Here is reality on 99% of us men. If you want a man you need to accept certain baggage that comes with us, just like having a woman comes with negative aspects.

First, all men cheat at some point in time, it just a matter of opportunity. Women are so catty against each other that they love messing with other women's boyfriends or husbands and it makes it easy for us. Women don't realize that we have short term memory when it comes to s*x and we love variety. No matter how good looking a woman is I can promise you that there is a guy that's tired of having s*x with just her.

Women have been fooled by men claiming that they want children. Reality is that the quickest way to lose a man is to have a baby. Men love women not children. As I've stated before, if your man cares more about a child than being cuddilly with you then you have real problems. Men mainly want kids, so that they can keep the woman tied down while they go do something else or to keep a foot in the door of your life through the child. Whether you want them or not they can always come back to see their kid.

If a woman lowers her standards under the pressure of a man, she will never be able to raise them and the man will never respect her. He'll play with her, but never take her seriously.

If a woman has a child without marriage, that is the kiss of death for a woman, because the man will never, never respect her.

There are good men out there, but if you are only attracting losers, you need to find out what it is about you that attracts them. The easiest way to get rid of losers is to raise your personal standards and maintain them and they will lose interest and move on.

Relationships are tough, the goal is just to find someone that you can manage their faults. Sorry for being long in this response, but this is one of my strong areas. Good luck.

Answer 4

I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THIS WAY. BUT A REAL MAN COMES IN ONE IN A MILLION.

Answer 5

i had this issue dear and it took a lot of healing on my part.

my bitterness towards men when i was young affected my life as I got older.

my 20s was hard because I use to think all men want one thing and that it

boy was I wrong, i realize I was the one with the issue not men

good luck and heal

Answer 6

I think you are on the right direction... the fact that you have the desire not to have a negative outlook on men shows that you want to have a better perspective =).

You are ONLY 19... take it easy.  You have so much life ahead of you.  So I say just continue to mix around with different people (including guys) and I am sure in time you will find out that NOT ALL MEN ARE JERKS ;).

Ii also believe that we must NEVER allow our past (especially bitter experiences) to dictate how and what we think, feel, do and go about things in life.  We will always have memories of our past in our minds FOREVER but that doesn't mean our past CONTROLS us, our attitudes (and way of thinking) and our lives.

Your conviction about staying a virgin till marriage is TRULLY COMMENDABLE.  When we "do it" it's like giving away a special part of our life to another person... now, if we REALLY value and treasure our lives we don't just give a part of our lives away just like that to just anyone... so, GERRRRREAT JOB!!! :) lol

Ok I'll end here... hope what I said will help you in some way.

Good luck!=)

Answer 7

Thanks for putting me in the class of good men - married and a senior citizen.  ;-)

I empathize with you inasmuch as my biological father deserted my mother while she was pregnant with me.  You still have your youth and I would encourage you not to look for men in the wrong places - like bars and taverns.

It does this old mans heart good to read that you are determined to remain virtuous.  Stick to your convictions.  In the meantime try to meet some decent, honest, honorable men.  I'm sure I'm not the last one.  (smiling here)

Answer 8

Well, thanks for this Gordian knot of a problem.

You want our opinion and advice, so long as we try not to contradict anything you think or believe, which is based partially on a problem of the way you think and believe about the world?

Saying you have no father influence is not correct, since your opinion of men is strongly shaped by your father (in this case, very negatively.) Since you base much of your opinion on the bad examples of men in your life, and because those bad examples have made a strong impression on you, you also tend to look for men who live up to those standards.

Ask yourself this question: what would you do if you met a guy who didn't fit into the above 3 categories. Since you start out believing men can ONLY fit in those categories, how can you believe someone can not be a part of those categories? Negative thinking creates negative outcomes, which confirm negative thinking, which leads to more negative outcomes. Is a good, well-adjusted person really going to want to hang out with someone who thinks their kind are all worthless and stupid and looking for an advantage?

A good person will prove themselves, but no one can prove themselves to someone who is convinced otherwise. For example, if you are convinced I am a thief, every action I do will only 'confirm' in your mind the conclusion you have reached. If I am polite, I am only preparing to rob you, if I call you up, more of the same. If I didnt rob you today, its because I am waiting to do it tomorrow, and if I don't do it tomorrow, then it's because it wasn't a good day and I'm just biding my time, until you are lulled into a false sense of security, before I strike. There can be no proof because you aren't looking for proof, you are looking for your theory to be confirmed, and since everything could be used to confirm your theory, you can never be disproven, and thus must think of yourself as 'correct.'

Even good people get driven away by people who don't give them a break. A good guy isn't going to stick around, and still maintain his self respect, if he feels like he has to prove himself everyday. A good man WILL always prove themselves, and they will prove themselves in ways that any good person cannot deny. Anybody can buy you flowers, a good person will know what kind and color of flowers you like. Anyone can know you like chocolates, a good person knows you like chocolates from the store down the street and they saw a sale on the ones you liked and had to pick you up a box, because they knew it would make you happy.

If you have trouble seeing good men, then its not just them. You also have to ask yourself what it is that you are also doing that is making you pick bad guys as examples. If all you see are weeds, is it because there are no roses or is it because you are only looking for weeds?