How can i feel better about myself? ?

Question

I once had a beautiful partner, a good military career going and a nice car. The best part of life was holding my son for the first time before he was ripped away from my heart forever which lead me into a world of darkness. I now work and travel overseas alone and only carry enough gear to fit into my backpack. Currently i been a bouncer working in different places along the way meeting people but i seem to push them away faster than a blink. I constantly get told i always look so serious and barely smile...i always say "well give me something to smile about", but yet i cant help but feel isolated and lost while walking with a heart turned to coal that seems to drain me of energy. I barely speak of this because ive always thought well why bother when no one lissens. how can i feel better

Answer 1

Is there anyway you can visit your son? Any chance you get you should pay him a visit because just like there's nothing out there like a mothers love, there's nothing out there like a fathers love as well.

♥

Answer 2

Yeah, when you say forever it should be obvious.

And I must say that since you brought it up that this disconnection you now have is connected to that loss. Have you let yourself come to terms with it? What happened to your marriage/partnership when your little baby passed? It sounds like you abandoned everything due to his loss. You've made yourself a lost vagabond. Do you blame yourself for his loss? You shouldn't. If you do you have to forgive yourself. Let yourself mourn for your son, talk to him. He's safe now.

I don't know you enough to know what kind of words will help you. All I can offer is what I believe myself. And I have never had such an experience so I don't know that any words would ever be strong enough for me.

I see that what you did was completely changed your life and who you are and maybe you need to go back to who you were because who you've become isn't working. 3 years ago I gave up all that I believed in because my life seems to suffer more loss as the years go by, I wanted to be someone else and I changed. But I didn't like who I became, I became a follower, which made me invisible and in July I realized that I needed to be who I was because at least I had hope then.  You have abandoned hope and love. I think it's time for you to go home and start with a clean slate. Get a house and live in it and start recollecting the things you used to love (ya know whatever hobbies or trinkets you liked like football posters, I don't know how old you are or what you're into ...and I'm a girl, for me it's home interior and shelves with knick-knacks, I have started to replace all these lost things and it is helping me to feel better - like ME again).

You have to find yourself again and stop abandoning yourself, let your spirit be happy again or at least let it find peace. You're obviously not getting anything by traveling the world so stop now, take a break, go home and let yourself heal. There are always scars and this one might be big and ugly but don't keep it an open wound. Go home.  

Answer 3

You must make friends and talk to them about how you feel. If someone is trying to approach don't push them away. If you fall once doesn't mean you are not going to walk again. when someone breaks your heart, it only makes you stronger and prepares you for the next time. don't ever give up on your self or on your son. smile more often. Love life, live life. wake up every morning to look forward to your beautiful life. Love your life for me :-)

I am so very sorry to hear about your son.  You will never forget about your son, but you will learn to deal with your sorrow in time.