How can i get over an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship?

Question

My last relationship lasted 4 years, he was abusive for 3 years 10 months of it.

He would play mind games and do some really bizarre stuff..and then be normal the next day.

He was extremely jealous and controlling, he would spy on me at work, i wasnt aloud to wear make up , perfume, jewellery, or any "nice" clothes. ( i was only aloud to wear basic long sleeved tops and jeans) i couldnt even shower before work with out a load of abuse and questioning.

He wouldnt let me see my friends, so i lost them.

He made it very difficult to see my family and gave me no end of grief for seeing them.

although he didnt punch me, he would pull my hair and slam my face against something, pinch me really hard, push me, threaten to beat me up, get me on floor, stand on my hair and spit in my face.

once he locked me out of his house (he had a swimming pool in his garden that we had just been in so i was in a bikini) i was soaking wet and it was december, he wouldnt let me in til i stripped off and stood there in the cold for about 20 mins...believe me it wasnt funny, but this is an example of a mind game.

he would steal my make up and nice clothes from me, once we were having a row because he had "hurt" himself (but actually hadnt...he was pretending he had broken a rib) i was trying to get him to go to doctor, i was crying because he was saying nasty stuff, he picked up my bag emptied it on the floor and chucked my stuff round the room.

I would sit in bed and cry all day and got to the point where i wanted to die.

I know it all seems weird but i want you to have an idea of what went on...

now, i am with a lovely man...he really is a knight in shining armour.

the thing is, i find myself getting very defensive, and clam up if i feel anything might go wrong... i try very hard not to make it obvious to him, but i do it to reassure myself...

Im proud of myself for getting out of this mess., but how do i get over it?

i have lost all my friends, and im scared of spoiling the relationship i have now by being defensive.

I feel such guilt for what i put my family through...i really ruined their lives for 4 years too.

I finished with my ex a year ago now.

I havent told my current partner any of this as im scared of looking over dramatic and pathetic.

Answer 1

http://groups.msn.com/NarcissismSupportG...

An ordinary person who meets a narcissist will find them to be marvelous and exciting people, and narcissists will work at being just that, projecting an aura of power, s*x, intellect or whatever, to lure in their victim/supply. Now we all like to put our best foot forward. How many people go and insult someone, or tell him or her what he or she really feels about the person he or she just met or even old friends? It is not in human nature to be truthful (or at least to tell white lies). How then is a narcissist different? Do you hear that sucking sound, that is their black hole of an ego drawing you into their world where they will then manipulate and play with you. It can be a small sucking sound or a tornado depending on the individual narcissist and how they are feeling that day. On off days, a narcissist will be a bit cranky, but when they hit their stride, Casey lower the boom! So the ordinary person, if they don't suspect anything abnormal, will say, "Gee whiz, what a nice person!" And the narcissist will draw them slowly into their web of lies and deceit.

Most normal people have the option of walking away at this point. Like the one that got away, narcissists don't always get a bite on their lure as they fish for victims. In some cases, the narcissist will place themselves in such a position of power so that they force people to pay attention to them, and the narcissist can "play" with the normal person knowing full well they have this power over another. In social situations, the normal person can walk away but in work or in a situation where there is a need to obtain something from the narcissist, then the dyad is in place. Unwittingly, normal people can cooperate with narcissists.

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq21.html

Answer 2

You need to just tell your new man about your past. Your past is what makes you who you are today. Tell him everything that happened, and tell him that your sorry for being so defensive all the time, and that you only ask him to not blame you for how you are today, and maybe if he could help you become a better person. If he really is your knight in shining armor then he will understand, and will help you learn that nothing is going to go wrong and that he's in it for the long run, and will never try to hurt you.

Answer 3

Seek some personal counseling.

You need to know why you were attracted to this abusive person to begin with, and you need to learn what prevented you from leaving as soon as the abuse started.

An emotionally healthy woman would have received red flags upon meeting this guy, and she would never have gotten involved with him.

Even if she had a lapse in judgment and began seeing him, she would have disappeared at the first sign of abuse.

Seeing how you did none of this, you must realize that there is a significant amount of unhealthiness in your life. The danger of not dealing with it is that you will always tend to gravitate towards abusive men. You won't do this intentionally, it will just happen. Everything will feel right to you in the beginning of your relationships, but then you'll find yourself in all too familiar circumstances once again. A trained professional can help you break this cycle.

Answer 4

you haven't told him becuz you don't know if he's goin got understand. its no mystery to your boyfriend that pple are crzy and domestic violence doesn and can happen. U know better than anyone , if he is an understading kinda guy i'd tell him. He'll think you're hiding something or this could affect your relationship now.

if he's not understanding, haven't you learned from your last relationhip

i internalized all my anxieties and it chases my last bf away, i felt worthless and i thought he would leave me and he would be better off wiht someone else

Answer 5

You have now found a lovely man ,keep the past to yourself though,and look forward to a good life,but never give your parents up,because when things go pear shaped they are there still to comfort you ,Good Luck,

Answer 6

To get over this - talk to your current partner - end of story - if you don't it will eat away at you for years to come and may spoil the relationship.

If he cares for you - he will understand