How can i go about this?

Question

I found out not too long ago that my mother gave a child up for adoption back in 1967 and i had no clue that i have another sibling until recently. Im not sure how to react to this since i grew up as an only child. The child my mom gave up is my big sister. I just found this out 3 months ago and im not sure if i want to meet my sister and her family.

Answer 1

Whatever you decide to do, you don't need to make the decision right away.  It must be a big shock to suddenly learn that you have a sister or half-sister who you never knew about.  

I am on the flip-side of your dilemma -- I was adopted and raised as an only child, but after searching for my birth family, I found out that I have three half brothers and one half sister.  As much as I would like to know them better, I've left the ball in their court and respect their choices not to contact me.

If you haven't already, I would recommend talking with your mom (or anybody else who may have known about the adoption) more about what happened, and find out what she may or may not know about your big sister.  I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision for her to relinquish your sister for adoption, so I expect she will need your support and reassurance that you love her.  

Every woman handles adoption differently though. Some women keep the adoption a secret for years, afraid of what their families would think of them if they knew.  Some women are open about their adoption.  Some women bury it because the experience was too painful and they haven't been able to process the experience.

My birthfather told his wife before he married her that he had a child "out there somewhere" (me), but my birthmother kept the adoption secret, escaped to drugs and alcohol, and never once even though about me while I was growing up.  (I don't hold this against her -- she wanted to keep me and the adoption was too painful for her to cope with.)  

I would recomend journaling about your feelings, your thoughts, and your fears.  Give yourself time to process this new information.  If you're comfortable with the idea, you might want to join an internet discussion group for members of the "adoption triad" -- people whose lives have been touched by adoption like yours.  You can learn more about what your sister may be feeling and what her experience as an adoptee may have been like, and that may help you process your own feelings about whether or not you want to meet her yourself.  If you're not comfortable with the idea of seeking out your sister, you don't have to.  You may not want to meet her and her family right now, but maybe next year or a few years down the road, you will feel differently.  

However, your birthsister may be looking for your mother -- and you.  Each adoptees experience is different, but talking to other adoptees may help you understand what your birthsister may be feeling.  If you can't talk to your mother, for any reason, I would also recommend talking to other birthmothers who may be able to help you understand her decision.

Answer 2

There are many reasons why parents give children for adoption...The most logical reason is that your mom wasnt going to be able to support your sister and she thought that by giving her to another family she would have a better life...I think you should consider meeting her, and dont be so harsh on your mom, she probably did it with the good intentions and it hurt it to do it...

Answer 3

maybe you could request some non identifying information on her through the state. Get a little piece about her life and go from there. Read Journey of the Adopted Self and see if you can put yourself into an adoptees shoes. Visit adoptees blogs, and see if you want to open that door. good luck!

Answer 4

You should go meet your other sister.  She is your relative by blood.  There was nothing that you could of dont back in 1967.  I would go see her!

Answer 5

In the 60's - there was a heap of secret adoptions going on.

It was frowned upon to be pregnant and not married - so many were pushed hard into giving their children away.

(that's what happened to my mother - and many I have talked to personally and read about through books and blogs and online forums).

If you wish to do some reading about mothers who lost babies to adoption - you can check out blogs - here -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Websites about adoption - with links to info on that era - often referred to as the 'Baby Scoop Era' -

http://origins-usa.org/

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/

http://www.theadoptionshow.com/home2.php

If you wish to help find your sister - just post another question asking for help - and name which state she was born in.

Take your time. I'm sure it has messed with your head. I have a very close friend who - after her parents died - found that she had 2 brothers given up for adoption before her & her 3 sisters. It does take time to process. It took quite some time to process it all. It's all worked out fine.

If your sister has come looking for you - don't be afraid. We adoptees aren't a dangerous bunch (usually!!) - we're just wanting to put into place the pieces of our lives that we were unable to know about.

The idea of writing a journal - given above - is a great idea. Write everything that comes into your head - as sometimes getting things on paper can be very useful.

I wish you all the very best.

Answer 6

I'm not sure exactly what you are asking.  Has your sister recently found your mom?  Or are you wondering if you should search for her?

If you are wondering about searching for her, I think if you aren't sure, you shouldn't do it.  You need to resolve, for yourself, why you want to search.  But if you are ambivalent when you search, you might wind up hurting yourself and her (and possibly a relationship between her and your mom).  

If she has recently found you, what does she want?  Does she want a relationship with you?  Does she just want to know some things about her family and heritage?  What can you give her?  What are you comfortable with?

In any event, I think it's that last question you need to settle for yourself.  What are you comfortable with?  She may want a relationship with your mom.  If so, that doesn't have to be about you.  That's another part of your mom's life, and you may have to learn to accept that your mom has another child out there.  But you do have control over what happens between you and her (up to a point of course).  You aren't obligated to let her into your life.  

But you might want to sit with it for a while.  You might find some joy in having a sister.  But don't pressure yourself into anything.  Be honest with yourself, with your mother, and with your new-found sister.  That's all anyone can ask of you.

Good luck.  I wish you well.